Sonia Marsh - Gutsy Living

Are you a helicopter parent?

August 19, 2010 by Sonia Marsh

As a mother of three sons with strong views on parenting, I decided to tackle a subject which has been in the news lately, “helicopter parenting.”
The reason I want to talk about it is because, not only does it affect how we raise our kids today, but also how they turn out in college and in the work world.

First of all, what is a “helicopter parent?”
According to Dr. Robyn Silverman, a specialist in adolescent and child behavior, “a parent who hovers around her child and swoops in at a moments notice whenever she sees her child in any distress or discomfort, even when having a little bit of a challenge.”

A video of the interview with Dr. Robyn Silverman.

Of course our job is to protect our children, but some parents may have gone one step too far. They constantly check-in on or up on their child, because of their own anxiety. They call and text, even during school hours, which is a real problem for teachers. As Dr. Silverman points out, “it’s the who, what, where, when and why of over protection.”
Helicopter parenting becomes a real problem when it continues into college and then their adult child’s job. Some parents can’t let go and start calling their child’s boss when they’re sick, or checking in on their child’s job interview.
This has become a major problem today for companies hiring young people brought up by “helicopter parents.” The kids never learn problem solving and often depend on their parents to take care of them, even when they’re adults.

So what can parents do?

Coach your child rather than solve their problems for them
Ask your kid to come up with solutions
Teach your kids to brainstorm
Teach your kids to think on their own

I don’t know about you, but did your parents hover around you? Mine didn’t. They actually allowed me to leave home at fourteen and attend boarding school in England. That was my wish, and they stood by me. I now realize how difficult this must have been for my mom who only had me. In those days, we had no e-mails, no texting and I think I learned some valuable lessons on being independent which I’ve passed on to my own three sons.
My youngest, sixteen, wanted to leave home and attend NMMI, a military boarding school in New Mexico, and the only contact I’m allowed with him for twenty-one days, is letter-writing. This is difficult for me as an empty nester, but I realize this is important for him.
Here is an interesting article on Helicopter parenting, if you want to read more.

Let’s get a discussion going. Your thoughts are always welcome.

Why do we love?

August 12, 2010 by Sonia Marsh

Photo from Photobucket

Why do we love? Most of us would give reasons related to qualities we see in another person but perhaps not how the other person makes us feel about ourselves..

After reading this article, in Psychology Today, I gained a different perspective on why we fall in love.

According to Hank Davis, Professor of Psychology at the University of Guelph in Canada, “We don’t fall in love with a person because of their qualities, per se, rather, we fall in love with ourselves in their presence. In other words, we fall in love with the version of ourselves that we become when we are around them.”

“Love is deeply, even primarily rooted in our feelings about ourselves, and secondarily about our loved one.”

When we feel good about ourselves we attract other people, yet when we’re sad or depressed, we build up an imaginary shield which keeps people away. This happens to all of us, and sometimes it takes forcing a smile to get the communication going again.

Professor Hank Davis continues:“If, for example, I normally perceived myself as relatively unattractive or unintelligent, but I felt good-looking or smart in my lover’s presence, I am likely to get hooked on her. I might go on about how beautiful, smart or enticing she is, and I might actually believe those things, but the truth is it’s the new improved “me” I have fallen in love with. This may be a version of myself I hoped to be all my life and if she is the key to finding it, I want to be around her more and more.”

Does this mean that when we fall in love with someone, they see our potential and over the course of a long-term marriage or relationship, we strengthen those qualities? I think that a healthy relationship does bring out, and perhaps even pushes us (whether we realize it or not) to bring out the best in ourselves.

“Kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship,” according to Professor Arthur Aron in Discovery Health.

“Kindness and intelligence, are extremely important in the process of falling in love. And attractiveness is not connected to these things. These two attributes are things that people learn about someone from knowing them over time. Intelligence is important in all aspects of life, especially in love. But kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship.”

So why do we love?

Perhaps our reasons are selfish in that we want to feel happy and good about ourselves, however, isn’t it important to feel good about ourselves in order to share our love with others?

But will it make you happy?

August 12, 2010 by Sonia Marsh

Photo by AnnShaw

Do you like to spend money on nice things or vacations?

A recent article in the New York Times, shows that people are happier when they spend money on experiences instead of material objects and when they stop trying to outdo the Joneses.

I completely agree with this statement which is why my husband and I moved our family to Belize in 2004, for one year. These were the days of conspicuous consumption when some parents in our neighborhood purchased a flashy new BMW, Mustang or large truck for their son or daughter, on their sixteenth birthday. We did not want our sons to think they were entitled to such material possessions, as did many of their peers. So we escaped to live a simple life in Belize where adventure and new experiences became part of our daily life.

There seems to be a new trend in the U.S., according to retailers, where “consumers have gravitated more toward experiences than possessions over the last couple of years, opting to use their extra cash for nights at home with family, watching movies and playing games.”

I think this is wonderful news, as far as getting families to spend more time bonding, than out spending. Jennifer Black, president of the retailing research company Jennifer Black & Associates says, “I think people are realizing they don’t need what they had. They’re more interested in creating memories.”

If we look back at our lives, what do we treasure most?

Memories
Purchases
Experiences

It’s sad to see that it takes a recession to make some people realize that spending time with family and friends means more than purchasing an electronic gizmo.

I don’t think the “I want it now” generation has been happy acquiring more stuff. Research shows that anticipation increases happiness.

As far as memories go, how many of you remember the bad things that happened on your trip abroad that later become your most exciting travel tale? I remember, at thirteen, getting stuck in an elevator in Budapest, Hungary, with my best friend. Although terrified at the time, we laugh about it today.

We need to get back to basics; memories, experiences, reconnecting with family, friends and community. I wonder what long-term consequences this will this have on a U.S. economy which relies on consumer spending to grow?

Quality versus Quantity–Parenting, Food, Exercise and more

August 9, 2010 by Sonia Marsh

Is life about quality versus quantity? Growing up in Paris, I would say “QUALITY” is my motto.

It has helped me think before making impulsive decisions as it relates to the following areas in my life:

Food choice (I prefer to buy fresh good quality food, than processed items.)
Exercise (I prefer to do short focused work outs, than hours on the treadmill.)
Clothing/shoes (I prefer to buy one item I really like than three on sale that are just okay.)
Friendships (I prefer one or two “very close” friends I can count on than fifty superficial ones.)
Coffee (I prefer one cup of excellent coffee a day, than three cups of weak coffee)

But there is one item where I don’t believe quality time counts more than quantity of time and that’s raising your kids.

My three sons on vacation 2007

How we raise our kids is a very “touchy” subject. And I won’t argue with you, because you know what you’re doing is the right thing for your family. So let me say, that as far as my own situation, I did what felt right to me. I stayed home with my kids.

WHY? Because,

I was lucky to have a husband who could afford to pay our bills.
My husband supported me in sharing the same beliefs.
I wanted to stay home and raise my three sons rather than have them in a childcare.
I wanted to cook family meals and shop for fresh food like my mother did when I was a kid living in Europe.
I wanted to be less tired and less stressed at home and not worry about my job.

WAS I RIGHT? Yes,

I enjoyed raising my kids.
I was home when my teenager started getting in trouble and could take care of the problems.
I gave my husband less stress by taking care of him and our family.
I offered a set table and family dinners every night, to stimulate family conversations.

WAS I WRONG? Yes,

I felt guilty about not paying the bills.
I did not offer my husband a break from quitting a job he didn’t enjoy by helping out financially.
I have been out of the the competitive workforce for twenty years, and can only find minimum wage jobs despite having a Bachelors in Environmental Science.

My recommendations:

Stop worrying about whether you’re doing the right thing or the wrong thing by working or staying home with your kids.
Do what feels right to you. Don’t listen to articles that tell you, “Stay home and raise your kids. If you can’t, you can’t.
Don’t listen to articles that say, “Kids do better with a few hours of quality time parenting at night when you get home.” If you able to, and want to stay home, then do it.

Who really cares what the media tells you. Each kid, and each parent is different. Believe me, I know from my own three kids. So do what feels right to you.

That’s why I drink quality coffee every day. It just feels right and makes me happy, even if the media says too much caffeine can cause breast cancer. I’ve also read articles that state caffeine is good for you.

Smile. Make the right choice for you. Enjoy life.

What is wrong with women and what we can do to change?

August 5, 2010 by Sonia Marsh

Photo from Photobucket

I stumbled upon a young mother, the mommyologist and her blog post called: Embrace Your Body, week from August 9-13. Please hop on over if you want to participate in her survey.

After giving it some thought, it occurred to me that when we are young, wrinkle-free and gorgeous, we keep beating ourselves down. We believe that we are not attractive, we are fat, because we say, “My thighs are just so freakin’ huge.” But our face is fresh and did I mention “wrinkle free,” and yet we say, “UGH! My stomach is totally hanging out!” (Italics taken from mommyologist)

We spend way too much time focusing on the negative aspects of ourselves, when we could be using our energy on developing our strengths.

Why do we do this?
Does it help?
If so, in what way does it help?

I love getting older. I feel fortunate that growing older has brought me other gifts I didn’t have as a younger woman:

confidence
taking better care of my health and body
realizing the importance of learning new skills and staying energetic

Why do we spend so many years beating ourselves up? Why is it easier to think negative thoughts about ourselves than to be positive.

Imagine if we shifted all that thinking to something LOVING and HELPFUL and BELIEVED in ourselves. Wouldn’t we be able to accomplish our goals and dreams for ourselves, our family and perhaps even our world?