Is life about quality versus quantity? Growing up in Paris, I would say “QUALITY” is my motto. 

It has helped me think before making impulsive decisions as it relates to the following areas in my life:

• Food choice (I prefer to buy fresh good quality food, than processed items.)
• Exercise (I prefer to do short focused work outs, than hours on the treadmill.)
• Clothing/shoes (I prefer to buy one item I really like than three on sale that are just okay.)
• Friendships (I prefer one or two “very close” friends I can count on than fifty superficial ones.)
• Coffee (I prefer one cup of excellent coffee a day, than three cups of weak coffee)

But there is one item where I don’t believe quality time counts more than quantity of time and that’s raising your kids.

How we raise our kids is a very “touchy” subject. And I won’t argue with you, because you know what you’re doing is the right thing for your family.  So let me say, that as far as my own situation, I did what felt right to me. I stayed home with my kids.

WHY? Because,

• I was lucky to have a husband who could afford to pay our bills.
• My husband supported me in sharing the same beliefs.
• I wanted to stay home and raise my three sons rather than have them in a childcare.
• I wanted to cook family meals and shop for fresh food like my mother did when I was a kid living in Europe.
• I wanted to be less tired and less stressed at home and not worry about my job.

WAS I RIGHT? Yes,

• I enjoyed raising my kids.
• I was home when my teenager started getting in trouble and could take care of the problems.
• I gave my husband less stress by taking care of him and our family.
• I offered a set table and family dinners every night, to stimulate family conversations.

WAS I WRONG? Yes,

• I felt guilty about not paying the bills.
• I did not offer my husband a break from quitting a job he didn’t enjoy by helping out financially.
• I have been out of the the competitive workforce for twenty years, and can only find minimum wage jobs despite having a Bachelors in Environmental Science.

My recommendations:

Stop worrying about whether you’re doing the right thing or the wrong thing by working or staying home with your kids.
Do what feels right to you. Don’t listen to articles that tell you, “Stay home and raise your kids. If you can’t, you can’t.
Don’t listen to articles that say, “Kids do better with a few hours of quality time parenting at night when you get home.” If you able to, and want to stay home, then do it.

Who really cares what the media tells you. Each kid, and each parent is different. Believe me, I know from my own three kids. So do what feels right to you.

That’s why I drink quality coffee every day. It just feels right and makes me happy, even if the media says too much caffeine can cause breast cancer. I’ve also read articles that state caffeine is good for you.

Smile. Make the right choice for you. Enjoy life.

I stumbled upon a young mother, the mommyologist and her blog post called: Embrace Your Body, week from August 9-13. Please hop on over if you want to participate in her survey.

After giving it some thought, it occurred to me that when we are young, wrinkle-free and gorgeous, we keep beating ourselves down. We believe that we are not attractive, we are fat, because we say, “My thighs are just so freakin’ huge.” But our face is fresh and did I mention “wrinkle free,” and yet we say, “UGH! My stomach is totally hanging out!” (Italics taken from mommyologist)

We spend way too much time focusing on the negative aspects of ourselves, when we could be using our energy on developing our strengths.

• Why do we do this?
• Does it help?
• If so, in what way does it help?

I love getting older. I feel fortunate that growing older has brought me other gifts I didn’t have as a younger woman:

•  confidence
•  taking better care of my health and body
•  realizing the importance of learning new skills and staying energetic

Why do we spend so many years beating ourselves up? Why is it easier to think negative thoughts about ourselves than to be positive.

Imagine if we shifted all that thinking to something LOVING and HELPFUL and BELIEVED in ourselves. Wouldn’t we be able to accomplish our goals and dreams for ourselves, our family and perhaps even our world?

Why does “letting your kids go” seem so painful and yet so right?

As I write this post, a book sits on my desk, it’s title reminding me of what I’m going through right now: Hold me close, Let me go, by Adair Lara.

On August 3rd, I shall be childless for the first time in twenty-two years. My sixteen-year-old, decided to attend NMMI (New Mexico Military Institute.) 

Jordan is my youngest son and I have to let him do this. I’m scared to let him go, however, these are purely selfish reasons. He’s excited about changing schools and looks forward to the challenging environment he shall be facing.

A shaved head, no cell phone, no personal laptop, strict hours, uniform, clean rooms, two hours of study hall per night, leadership training, sports, half an hour of free-time, and he’s excited. It was his choice, and with the school system changing, (unfortunately for the worse in California, due to a bankrupt state,)  I think he will get more attention and a better education at NMMI. We’ve already received a letter from his education counselor asking us to keep in touch with all his teachers. They are all available for forty-five minutes every morning before school starts.

As I look at the role of parents I ask myself the following:

• What is our goal?
• How do we measure success?
• Is there a specific time when parenting ends?

 What do you think?

My definition of parenting is:

Parenting is like balancing on a tightrope: it requires constant adjustments, even when your child is no longer a child, but a parent like you.

Bye, Jordan. I love you and wish you all the best in your new life away from home.

There is no question that a child who is difficult, or a teenager who is defiant, has an effect on the entire family.

I am going to show you how it affected my family and what I believe are three ways to alleviate or resolve the problem. I’m not a therapist, but I am a mother of three sons, who has been through the teenage years, and still has one at home (until next week, when my sixteen-year-old leaves for NMMI. More on that in my next post on Monday August 2nd.)

When my oldest son turned thirteen, he started dating girls with their own set of problems. As a mother new to, and not happy with the idea of her son dating, I discovered that a girlfriend’s psychological problems, would become my own, or at least affect my family. This is what happened, and I never expected it.

The girlfriends:

• lacked parental supervision, guidance and support
• had the “rescue me mentality,”
• latched onto my son for attention.

   I felt stuck in the middle, wondering if I should help the girlfriends, feel sorry for both of them that their divorced parents didn’t seem to care, or take care of my family. I wanted to do all three. I soon learned that taking care of my son, my relationship with my husband and my two younger sons, was the most important thing I could do.

After a couple of stressful years, feeling uncomfortable in my own house, I realized my husband and I were giving more attention to the problem child (something most parents do) while his brothers received leftover attention. My middle son, who thrived on a peaceful environment, spent more time at his friends’ house on weekends than at home, and our youngest spent more time playing video games.

There are many different ways to handle a problem child, or a defiant teenager and I’m sure a behavior therapist can help with each individual situation. There are of course varying degrees, depending on the child’s issues.

This is what worked for us:

• Talk with a therapist who specializes in child/teenager problems.
•  Pull your child/teenager out of the environment/situation. Change schools in your neighborhood if necessary, pull the child away from the problem.
• Try to resolve the problem as a family. Make the child, teenager feel you love him enough to do whatever it takes and want him to be part of the family.

So how did we resolve our problems? In or case, after therapy and a tough love program with our son, we took a very unique approach: we moved the entire family to live a simple life in Belize, Central America. This decision was not just spontaneous, but based on our research, wanting to challenge our kids to grow by living a very different life than the easy, materialistic one they were familiar with. My husband and I also desired adventure and change.

I am always happy to listen to your stories, suggestions and comments.