If I told you that most women don’t speak the language that men understand and get upset when their needs aren’t being met, would you agree?
As the only female in my family (expect for my dog) I did not realize how much more effective my communication skills with three sons and husband could have been if I had learned how to speak, “Men-glish.” No, this is not a joke, I’m serious. I could have had results when I asked instead of “nagging” for things to get done around the house. But fortunately, it’s not too late. I listened to Alison Armstrong speak at the “Inside Edge” about effective communication with males, whether at home or in the work place, and bottom line, there is a huge difference between the way men and women communicate and how they interpret what they hear.
Alison Armstrong started studying men, twenty years ago, Like so many women she thought:
- Men don’t care.
- Men were actively withholding it.
She soon discovered how much men want women to have what they need and that women don’t know how to ask for what they need. The problem, according to Alison, is that:
- Women need to ask for what they need.
- Women need to stop asking for what they want.
One problem is that most women say, “But I don’t know if I deserve what I need?” A lot of this stems from their upbringing and how their own mothers used guilt; for example, “Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed for you?” which explains why women sometimes have trouble asking for what they need. Alison believes that women don’t ask for what they need (like attention) because of these issues of (not) deserving.
- Women and men don’t ask for what they need so the other person can understand.
- Men often exert so little pressure that their partner didn’t realize they were asking and interpreted it as simply “sharing.”
- Women have a tendency to ask-ask-ask-ask, the same thing over and over again, so men tune out and think they’re “nagging.
Alison says a woman needs to ask herself, “Do I really need this?” first before she follows through with the four steps below.
We need to go from Ask to Enforce to get what we need.
(Level of escalation) is marked with numbers
- Ask (3)
- Insist (5)
- Demand (7)
- Enforce (10)
Have a great ASK. For example, “I need you to organize your closet.” (if you’re talking to a teenager.)
INSIST, is a reiteration of ASK adding, “Was there something you needed to get it done?
DEMAND, “I asked, gave you what you needed, but you didn’t get it done. I want to give you another chance, but if you don’t want to, then you go to ENFORCE.
There are 4 element to a great ASK.
- I need______ (simple statement)
- It looks like______ (what, when, how often, by when) describe details. Most couples assume the other person knows what this means and looks like. Describe it. For example if you want more affection, describe what theat means to you. Don’t assume the other person knows.
- It would provide______ (give, allow, create, results, qualities) Explain this is why it matters to me. Alison gave the example of what she said to her small kids. “If you let mom sleep until 7, mom will be more patient.” Let the other person know what’s in it for them.
- What do you need to give me what I need?______(This is the partner question.)
You can also ask your partner, “What’s your favorite way to be asked?”
or “What do you need to give me what I need?”
I experimented yesterday with my husband and it worked. Instead of say, “Can you check out…..” which is usually how I ask my husband, I said, “I need you to check out….” and he did it right away, which avoided all the nagging.
Do you already know how to communicate efficiently with men, your spouse, your kids?
If you’re a guy, do you agree that you prefer to be asked directly, with a “I need you to…?”
Please don’t forget to call in with your questions today, September 22nd, at 4pm PST with expert Robert MacPhee. Check out how and why
We always try and communicate clearly in our family. We have an in-joke. When my husband was quite young, his father told him: Put the kettle on, but don’t put any water in it. Dad meant – don’t put any more water in it. Chris interpreted as – it shouldn’t have any water in it. So he poured the water that was in it out, and put it on to boil on the gas stove. Of course the bottom burnt out and Chris got into trouble! If we’re ever not sure what someone in the family is asking, we say it’s a kettle moment. It’s so important to be direct and not hide behind vagueness when you’re communicating.
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Good point, however, I’ve had times with my sons when I ask them to get rid of stuff they no longer need in their closets so we can de-clutter the house, especially now that they no longer live here, and they still haven’t. Sam with my husband, so I’m going to try saying, “I NEED you to get rid of old clothes, books and stuff you don’t use.” I’ll see if that works. I love the “kettle” story.
I remember my dad talking about my mom one day when interrupted her while she was talking: “Mary, I ask you what time it is and you tell me how to make a watch”.
I sometimes interject when my wife is talking to me and say: “… and the short story is…?”
I hope that clears up the issue.
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Yes, that is one of the points that Alison brought up and all the men nodded, “yes.” They could relate to women not getting to the point, so now I’m just going to say, “I need you to take the trash out.” Apparently men like being asked. Women think that’s stupid because they should know.
My husband likes me to prepare a job list for the day (one day at a time) and then in the morning when we’re reading the newspapers together, he can ask me, “What do you need for me to do today?” and know that he can simply grab the list when he’s ready to run errands. So simple, but it’s taken us a few years to get to this.
What a great idea Lois. That just proves that men like to feel”useful” and meet the “needs” of the woman they love. Thanks for giving me a useful tip to use with my husband.
Great tips – I’m going to try them out!
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Let me know if they work. Alison states these are techniques we can use in the office environment too.
“Do you know how much I’ve sacrificed for you?” – never say that, unless you want to divorce:)
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Good point, but that is more to explain what some women heard from their mothers when they were growing up, and therefore feel less deserving.
Our script is something like this.
Me: You never do what I want.
Him: I don’t know what you want.
Me: I don’t think I need to list everything. You should know.
So, this has been helpful. He doesn’t know.
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Right. I’m so glad it helped, and it’s true. Apparently the mistake we make is thinking that men know what we want, and they are deliberately trying to “hurt” us by not doing what we’d like them to do. It’s because they don’t “know” what we want.
Lauri, let me know how this works for you.
Ha! No I don’t know how to get through to them. I’ll try these tips. Sometimes I think they LIKE being nagged. Otherwise why don’t they do things straight away?!
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Sonia,
How eye-opening! I really don’t know at all how to communicate with men. I have a lot of old baggage that gets in the way. I get emotional and you know how much they love that! (Not at all.) I’ll have to try this out. Thanks so much.
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Sandra,
I do think this works and the examples Alison gave about how men and women communicate were so true. The men in the audience were nodding in agreement as much as the women.
So true that we women need to give examples of what we mean when we ask for something. concepts and words have different meanings to different people. The man’s heart may be in the right place, but a woman wouldn’t know it if she’s too busy focusing on how he didn’t do “it” specifically per her expectations. We women have the responsibility to explain our expectations, and to learn when to take a step back and notice when they are doing the best they can. Most things don’t have to get done exactly the way we’d do them. That’s okay, they still get accomplished and with a more cheerful heart when we let go of the need to control exactly how the garbage must be taken out, for instance. The bottom line is it got taken out, so we should express our gratitude and not dwell on it.
Thanks for the pointers on communication. I didn’t notice the “enforce”
Ella,
Thanks for your informative comment, and explanation of women’s expectations. You’re right, I did not mention the ENFORCE. I believe it’s the consequence of not getting the job done. Unfortunately, I did not have more notes on that part. But I got the impression that you rarely need to reach that step if you follow the method she described.
(Wishful thinking? I hope not.)
Sorry I’m so late getting to this post. Excellent advice. Communication has been a total fail more times than I can count in my family of all males. My complaint most of the time is that I can’t read minds, so if they don’t tell me what’s on theirs I have no clue.
I’m one of those people who probably over share. I would like to find a middle ground. This is very helpful.
b
Barbara,
Sounds like you just talk like most of us women do, and men like women to “get to the point.” Alison brought that up too, and all the men in the audience nodded in agreement.
I was out of town in San Francisco (one of your favorites, as I remember) and just got to your excellent post. Feel like I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar. I’m making an effort to remember this next time Mary “suggests” that I do something. Thanks!
Glad it might be of use to you and Mary.