I quit dating apps—and oddly enough, my 35-year-old son and I are in the exact same boat. He has women lining up, I’m attracting men 10–17 years older who need a caregiver, and yet… neither of us is finding what we actually want. So what’s going on here?

Why I’ve Stepped Away from Dating Apps

I have quit dating apps for a while for two reasons: one, no luck, and two, people keep telling me that you meet someone when you least expect it.

The Surprising Truth: My Son and I Have the Same Dating Problems

What I find so interesting about online dating is that my 35-year-old son is having the same issues as me.

We’ve actually become quite close as mother and son, sharing dating stories. The main difference? He has no problem getting dates, while I’m only getting a few dates with older men who have health issues.

The Dating Imbalance: Age, Attraction, and Expectations

My son is a doctor who makes a good living and is 6’4” tall, so women flock to him. Listening to dating podcasts, he fits into that tiny fraction of men who are young, tall, and financially successful.

I, on the other hand, fall into the category of mature women who can only seem to find men 10–20 years older than me—men who often need a woman to take care of them.

This feels unfair, especially since I’m thin, active, intelligent, and fully capable of taking care of myself.

The Real Issue: Avoidant Attachment Style

So what’s the problem for both my son and me? Are we both too picky? Isn’t chemistry important?

During our phone conversations, we’ve realized that we are both “avoidants.” This comes from attachment theory (I’ve included a quick YouTube link if you want to explore it further).

Basically, we are not the clingy type. We’re independent and tend to have our guard up—at least I know I do. We don’t easily show physical affection unless there’s real chemistry.

In other words, we’re picky. And maybe a bit naïve in believing there’s someone out there who meets at least 95% of our criteria. Listening to podcasts on relationships and dating, I’ve come to the conclusion that we look at photos of men, (in my case) and women, (in my son’s case) as products. It’s become online shopping for a partner, just like shopping on Amazon, but without the reviews.

Chemistry vs. Companionship

Intellectually, I understand that perfection doesn’t exist—and I’m certainly not perfect either.

But at this stage of my life, I’m not willing to be with a man I’m not attracted to despite what relationship coaches tell us. “You can grow to fall in love with someone’s personality.” Well, I’m sorry, I need to be attracted to the man physically as well.

I work hard to stay fit, healthy and to keep learning. I travel, build friendships, host gatherings, and genuinely love who I am.

I’m tired of hearing, “You can develop chemistry with someone who’s kind or has a sense of humor.” I call that a friend.

And in my online dating experience, I’ve yet to meet a man—even at 80—who wants to be “just friends.” You know what I mean.

I also have no interest in becoming someone’s caregiver at the beginning of a relationship. It’s different if you’ve been married to this person all your life.

Should I Date Younger Men?

Friends tell me I should date a younger man.

And I would—if I knew he genuinely liked me for who I am. Maybe it’s my avoidant attachment style that makes me feel there is always an ulterior motive on their part. A lack of trust on my part.

What I’m Doing Instead: Real-Life Connections

So these days, I’m focusing on real-life interactions.

I’m joining discussion groups and attending art museum events in Laguna Beach. I love meeting intelligent people—men and women—who have traveled, who are curious, and who refuse to become stale in their thinking.

What I’m Hoping For

What I would truly love is a natural introduction—to meet a single man through someone I trust.

Someone who shares my love of travel, snorkeling, swimming, and staying active. Someone who wants a companion, an equal—not a caretaker.

If you can introduce me to that man, please email me at sonia@soniamarsh.com!

And As for My Son…

As for my son, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding someone he can love and marry…

As long as he’s not holding out for 100% perfection.

Solo Cruising doesn’t mean you’re alone.

Evening with the Captain of Le Champlain, a Smithsonian Cruise on Ponant.

Small ships are better for Solo Travelers.

Gala Evening on Le Champlain. PONANT cruise.

Many women worry about solo cruising and about feeling lonely. I’m sharing my experience to help you feel safe and confident about finding companionship and meaningful connections while cruising solo.

My Solo Cruising Experience

I started cruising four years ago. Only once did I feel slightly uncomfortable and self-conscious — on a Crystal cruise when I had to dine alone in three specialty restaurants.

From an uncomfortable dining night to better choices

Reservations had to be made several months in advance, and when I asked the maitre d’ if I could join a sharing table (as I had on other cruises), he replied, “We don’t have sharing tables.” He seated me at a table for two in the most conspicuous part of the dining room, surrounded by couples. That was when I felt lonely.

After that experience, I chose not to cruise with that line again. I now prefer smaller ships with a more intimate feel where the staff get to know you, look after you, and create a more comforting atmosphere.

Why Small Ships Work Better for Solo Travelers

It’s easy to assume a large ship means more people to meet, but I’ve found the opposite: the smaller the ship, the easier it is to connect with like-minded passengers.

Intimacy, shared tables, and friendly staff

My first cruise was on the Paul Gauguin, a small ship with just 330 passengers. The restaurant staff welcomed me and consistently found me a seat at shared tables with other solo travelers and friendly couples who wanted to mingle. Conversations flowed, and getting to know people from other countries while sharing travel stories made me feel alive.

No Single Supplement on PONANT Cruises

I’ve chosen to stay with PONANT and similar small-ship lines (185–330 passengers). One big benefit I discovered: PONANT offers “no single supplement” on many departures, meaning you can have your own cabin without paying extra for single occupancy. On their website, you can filter offers by “no single supplement.”

The Ponant website allows you to filter “no single supplement” under “Offers.”

Highlights from a Smithsonian Cruise on Le Champlain

Many cruise lines organize a welcome cocktail reception on the first or second night of your cruise. Don’t be disappointed if you meet only women at the reception. On one cruise, there were 19 solo women and one man, who happened to be gay, and who had just lost his partner.

Lectures, Panama Canal, Darian tribe excursions

Ponant offers lectures on board. I was recently on a Smithsonian cruise through the Panama Canal and Costa Rica, and we had lectures on the history of building the canal and on the wildlife in both countries by experts in the field.

Mother painting black ink on her child. Ink is used for mosquito and sun protection.

Interesting excursions with small groups. No long lines to get off the ship.

Private beach with no crowds when you sail with PONANT

Food, Service, and Gala Evenings on Le Champlain

The food is to die for, but I’ve always loved French refined food with delicious, freshly prepared meals and smaller portions.

Champagne and Caviar evening on Le Champlain

Friendly crew and staff who get to know you and truly care about you and your comfort.
I like to dress up for cocktails and dinner in the evening and share stories with fellow passengers during a pre-dinner cocktail and dinner.
No tipping as everything is included. Wifi and drinks, including free-flowing French Champagne and nice canapes.

Tips for Making Friends Onboard

– Attend the welcome cocktail and any orientation/social events.

– Sit at shared tables in the dining room or ask the staff to seat you with others.

– Join lectures, classes, and shore excursions — these naturally create shared experiences and conversation starters.

– Be open and approachable: a simple question about someone’s itinerary or hometown often leads to a great conversation.

Should You Try Solo Cruising?

I hope you give small ship solo cruising a try. You’ll enjoy the freedom to explore new places while still enjoying the companionship of fellow travelers and the attentive, familiar crew. It’s a blend of independence, luxury, learning, and social connection — everything I want from travel.