As a mother, there were times when I asked myself: “What did I do wrong?”

When my oldest son turned nine, I saw signs of defiance; he didn’t respect me. I thought that by staying home, and sacrificing my own career, my three sons would turn out polite, compassionate and well behaved. After all, they had a loving home environment. But was I too soft? Would my son have treated me differently had I been a working mom? Would he have shown me more respect had I put him in daycare?

All these questions have spun around my head while I’ve been revising my memoir, about a mother wanting to heal her family and moving to Belize, where after many trials and tribulations, her family comes together.

For years, parents have been made to believe that a problem child is their fault. Now it seems, mental health professionals have reached a different conclusion.

In a recent New York Times article, “Accepting That Good Parents May Plant Bad Seeds,” by Richard A. Friedman M.D. I came across a mother of three sons, who asked the same question as me, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong?” about her rude and defiant oldest son. After testing, the son showed no signs of any learning disability or mental illness. In fact he tested in the intellectually superior range. Like this woman, her other sons were well-adjusted boys. So the therapist asked the question, “If the young man (17-years-old) did not suffer from any demonstrable psychiatric disorder, just what was his problem?” Dr. Friedman admits his answer may sound heretical, especially coming from a psychiatrist, “But maybe this young man was just not a nice person.” He continues, “While I do not mean to let bad parents off the hook…the fact remains that perfectly decent parents can produce toxic children.”

This is a new way of thinking of problem children, and “there is little, if anything, in peer-reviewed journals about the paradox of good parents with toxic children,” Dr. Friedman says.

In his summary, Dr. Friedman states, “For better or worse, parents have limited power to influence their children. That is why they should not be so fast to take all the blame–or credit–for everything that their children become.”

I would urge you to send the article to anyone who may be going through a rough time raising their kids, as it may help them stop blaming themselves.

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you couldn’t resist tasting every single chocolate in that large box your mom received as a gift? I do. And then what? Did you wrap your arms around your stomach and say, “Mom or Mum (if you’re English) my tummy hurts?”

This was a pivotal moment in my life as I recall mum saying to dad, “let her eat all of them. She’ll feel sick and learn a lesson.” This was my mother’s approach. She said the same thing when I turned ten, and my best friend, Lilian, and I melted a pound of raclette, (a Swiss cheese) in a frying pan, and mopped it up with fresh bread. We both loved food and sometimes overdid it. Suffering the consequences of my actions, at a young age, taught me to take charge of my actions. Had mum or my dad said, “Don’t eat more than one or two, you’ll get fat,” I know this message would have remained ingrained in my mind for life.

Where I live (not far from Hollywood) there is tremendous pressure for young girls to remain skinny, and I cringe when I hear fathers tell their daughters, “I shall pay you for each pound you lose,” or, “When you lose fifteen pounds, I’ll take you to Disneyland.”

My mom was interested in child psychology, and applied various principles to the way I was raised. I have tried to incorporate some in the way I raised my three sons. One, was to always have candy in a bowl on our coffee table, that way it was not considered “forbidden.” An interesting thing happened: After my son’s second Halloween, they were able to make their candy last for months. Other parents would take the bag away, and ration it out for their child.

Another principle I call a “gift” from both my parents was their attitude towards education. Neither one of my parents went to college. They were teenagers during WWII. Instead of forcing their choices onto me, as to which college I should attend, and what I should study, they let me decide, and therefore I was motivated to do well for myself, and my future. When I was sixteen, I really wanted to become an air traffic controller. My parents never criticized my choice by saying, “You realize how stressful that job is,” or, “Sonia, you have bad eyesight, they won’t accept you,” like some people said.” Their attitude allowed me to think things through and make my own decisions. Their lack of “control” put me in charge of my education.

My mom passed away when I was twenty-five. At the time I lived in Paris, and my father was fifty-seven. I shall always be thankful to my dad for not saying, “You can’t move to the U.S. You’re my only child. Who will take care of me as I get older?” He let me follow my dreams, and not once, has he made me feel guilty about my decision.

The three gifts I have tried to pass onto my children during childhood are:

• Be responsible for your actions
• Be responsible for your choices
• Live your life, live your dreams.

Ask someone who knows you well, “Am I a risk taker?” What would they say? Are they right?

My friends call me a risk taker, and people I speak to at the gym or local coffee shop say, “Wow, your life is so exciting. Mine is boring compared to yours.” My answer. “Anyone can do it. It just depends on how you view life.”

We are all risk-takers. Think about it. We drive (more accidents now caused by drivers texting,) we cross streets, we catch planes. We may not see those as risks, because we consider them a necessity. So why can’t we uproot ourselves from a job we’re not passionate about, a relationship that isn’t working or a town we’ve grown tired of? Why do we put up with situations we’re not happy with?

The most common answer given is fear. We hate change, breaking our routine, but what we need to realize is that security can only be found on the inside. We cannot control what’s on the outside.

Right now, we are seeing major changes, adjustments and shifts in the global economy. No one is really sure where things are heading, and there are wonderful opportunities, if we open our eyes. Does it matter what others think about our choices? Most of the time, they wish they had the guts to do the same. So why not seize this moment to grow and discover new things about yourself. That is one of the benefits of travel. Our year in Belize, Central America,  with our three sons, taught me how to simplify and downsize: two useful skills to have in today’s economy. My sons became more creative, bonded with family, and saw people living in poor conditions, yet enjoying their life.

This leads me to my next move. As soon as our house in California sells, my husband and I are relocating to Naples, Florida. We are ready to open a new chapter in our life. Both of us see opportunities for change and need to get out of Orange County, to take advantage of a more serene lifestyle. What if it doesn’t work out? some of you may be asking. My answer, I don’t think that way. Everything in life teaches us something new. It’s our attitude towards change, that counts.

For those of you wishing to change, I recommend taking one small step this week. It’s the small steps that lead to something bigger in the long run. Let me give you a few examples:

• Research a class or an activity you’ve been interested in taking and sign up.
• Try a new recipe to spice up your life.
• If you want to grow your blog, try a new approach: Interview some famous people. Here’s how.

Become a snake. Just as a snake sheds its outer layer of skin, we all need to keep growing, no matter how old or young we feel. So shed your skin and go for it.

(I realize many of my readers are already risk takers. You know who you are.)

Priscilla has a fabulous blog about cooking and asked me to Guest post on her blog.
Thanks for the privilege Priscilla. Please come over and visit Priscilla and share a gourmet meal, in beautiful Belcastel, southwest France..

Priscilla shares recipes, cultural traditions, and other fun foodie stuff on her website and at She’s Cookin’ at OCFamily.com.
She is a wife, mom, writer, creative persona, and amateur photographer who considers good eating one of the most important pleasures of life!

When a friend sent me this video on the future of shopping, I was shocked. Would you enjoy shopping for clothes like this?

A quick and efficient way to shop for clothes is to:

• Know your style
• Select three stores that carry your style and only shop there.
• Think about what you need ahead of time, so you stay focused.

My Guest Post on She’s Cookin’ will be later this week.