Why does “letting your kids go” seem so painful and yet so right?

As I write this post, a book sits on my desk, it’s title reminding me of what I’m going through right now: Hold me close, Let me go, by Adair Lara.

On August 3rd, I shall be childless for the first time in twenty-two years. My sixteen-year-old, decided to attend NMMI (New Mexico Military Institute.) 

Jordan is my youngest son and I have to let him do this. I’m scared to let him go, however, these are purely selfish reasons. He’s excited about changing schools and looks forward to the challenging environment he shall be facing.

A shaved head, no cell phone, no personal laptop, strict hours, uniform, clean rooms, two hours of study hall per night, leadership training, sports, half an hour of free-time, and he’s excited. It was his choice, and with the school system changing, (unfortunately for the worse in California, due to a bankrupt state,)  I think he will get more attention and a better education at NMMI. We’ve already received a letter from his education counselor asking us to keep in touch with all his teachers. They are all available for forty-five minutes every morning before school starts.

As I look at the role of parents I ask myself the following:

• What is our goal?
• How do we measure success?
• Is there a specific time when parenting ends?

 What do you think?

My definition of parenting is:

Parenting is like balancing on a tightrope: it requires constant adjustments, even when your child is no longer a child, but a parent like you.

Bye, Jordan. I love you and wish you all the best in your new life away from home.

There is no question that a child who is difficult, or a teenager who is defiant, has an effect on the entire family.

I am going to show you how it affected my family and what I believe are three ways to alleviate or resolve the problem. I’m not a therapist, but I am a mother of three sons, who has been through the teenage years, and still has one at home (until next week, when my sixteen-year-old leaves for NMMI. More on that in my next post on Monday August 2nd.)

When my oldest son turned thirteen, he started dating girls with their own set of problems. As a mother new to, and not happy with the idea of her son dating, I discovered that a girlfriend’s psychological problems, would become my own, or at least affect my family. This is what happened, and I never expected it.

The girlfriends:

• lacked parental supervision, guidance and support
• had the “rescue me mentality,”
• latched onto my son for attention.

   I felt stuck in the middle, wondering if I should help the girlfriends, feel sorry for both of them that their divorced parents didn’t seem to care, or take care of my family. I wanted to do all three. I soon learned that taking care of my son, my relationship with my husband and my two younger sons, was the most important thing I could do.

After a couple of stressful years, feeling uncomfortable in my own house, I realized my husband and I were giving more attention to the problem child (something most parents do) while his brothers received leftover attention. My middle son, who thrived on a peaceful environment, spent more time at his friends’ house on weekends than at home, and our youngest spent more time playing video games.

There are many different ways to handle a problem child, or a defiant teenager and I’m sure a behavior therapist can help with each individual situation. There are of course varying degrees, depending on the child’s issues.

This is what worked for us:

• Talk with a therapist who specializes in child/teenager problems.
•  Pull your child/teenager out of the environment/situation. Change schools in your neighborhood if necessary, pull the child away from the problem.
• Try to resolve the problem as a family. Make the child, teenager feel you love him enough to do whatever it takes and want him to be part of the family.

So how did we resolve our problems? In or case, after therapy and a tough love program with our son, we took a very unique approach: we moved the entire family to live a simple life in Belize, Central America. This decision was not just spontaneous, but based on our research, wanting to challenge our kids to grow by living a very different life than the easy, materialistic one they were familiar with. My husband and I also desired adventure and change.

I am always happy to listen to your stories, suggestions and comments.

As a mother, there were times when I asked myself: “What did I do wrong?”

When my oldest son turned nine, I saw signs of defiance; he didn’t respect me. I thought that by staying home, and sacrificing my own career, my three sons would turn out polite, compassionate and well behaved. After all, they had a loving home environment. But was I too soft? Would my son have treated me differently had I been a working mom? Would he have shown me more respect had I put him in daycare?

All these questions have spun around my head while I’ve been revising my memoir, about a mother wanting to heal her family and moving to Belize, where after many trials and tribulations, her family comes together.

For years, parents have been made to believe that a problem child is their fault. Now it seems, mental health professionals have reached a different conclusion.

In a recent New York Times article, “Accepting That Good Parents May Plant Bad Seeds,” by Richard A. Friedman M.D. I came across a mother of three sons, who asked the same question as me, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong?” about her rude and defiant oldest son. After testing, the son showed no signs of any learning disability or mental illness. In fact he tested in the intellectually superior range. Like this woman, her other sons were well-adjusted boys. So the therapist asked the question, “If the young man (17-years-old) did not suffer from any demonstrable psychiatric disorder, just what was his problem?” Dr. Friedman admits his answer may sound heretical, especially coming from a psychiatrist, “But maybe this young man was just not a nice person.” He continues, “While I do not mean to let bad parents off the hook…the fact remains that perfectly decent parents can produce toxic children.”

This is a new way of thinking of problem children, and “there is little, if anything, in peer-reviewed journals about the paradox of good parents with toxic children,” Dr. Friedman says.

In his summary, Dr. Friedman states, “For better or worse, parents have limited power to influence their children. That is why they should not be so fast to take all the blame–or credit–for everything that their children become.”

I would urge you to send the article to anyone who may be going through a rough time raising their kids, as it may help them stop blaming themselves.

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you couldn’t resist tasting every single chocolate in that large box your mom received as a gift? I do. And then what? Did you wrap your arms around your stomach and say, “Mom or Mum (if you’re English) my tummy hurts?”

This was a pivotal moment in my life as I recall mum saying to dad, “let her eat all of them. She’ll feel sick and learn a lesson.” This was my mother’s approach. She said the same thing when I turned ten, and my best friend, Lilian, and I melted a pound of raclette, (a Swiss cheese) in a frying pan, and mopped it up with fresh bread. We both loved food and sometimes overdid it. Suffering the consequences of my actions, at a young age, taught me to take charge of my actions. Had mum or my dad said, “Don’t eat more than one or two, you’ll get fat,” I know this message would have remained ingrained in my mind for life.

Where I live (not far from Hollywood) there is tremendous pressure for young girls to remain skinny, and I cringe when I hear fathers tell their daughters, “I shall pay you for each pound you lose,” or, “When you lose fifteen pounds, I’ll take you to Disneyland.”

My mom was interested in child psychology, and applied various principles to the way I was raised. I have tried to incorporate some in the way I raised my three sons. One, was to always have candy in a bowl on our coffee table, that way it was not considered “forbidden.” An interesting thing happened: After my son’s second Halloween, they were able to make their candy last for months. Other parents would take the bag away, and ration it out for their child.

Another principle I call a “gift” from both my parents was their attitude towards education. Neither one of my parents went to college. They were teenagers during WWII. Instead of forcing their choices onto me, as to which college I should attend, and what I should study, they let me decide, and therefore I was motivated to do well for myself, and my future. When I was sixteen, I really wanted to become an air traffic controller. My parents never criticized my choice by saying, “You realize how stressful that job is,” or, “Sonia, you have bad eyesight, they won’t accept you,” like some people said.” Their attitude allowed me to think things through and make my own decisions. Their lack of “control” put me in charge of my education.

My mom passed away when I was twenty-five. At the time I lived in Paris, and my father was fifty-seven. I shall always be thankful to my dad for not saying, “You can’t move to the U.S. You’re my only child. Who will take care of me as I get older?” He let me follow my dreams, and not once, has he made me feel guilty about my decision.

The three gifts I have tried to pass onto my children during childhood are:

• Be responsible for your actions
• Be responsible for your choices
• Live your life, live your dreams.

Ask someone who knows you well, “Am I a risk taker?” What would they say? Are they right?

My friends call me a risk taker, and people I speak to at the gym or local coffee shop say, “Wow, your life is so exciting. Mine is boring compared to yours.” My answer. “Anyone can do it. It just depends on how you view life.”

We are all risk-takers. Think about it. We drive (more accidents now caused by drivers texting,) we cross streets, we catch planes. We may not see those as risks, because we consider them a necessity. So why can’t we uproot ourselves from a job we’re not passionate about, a relationship that isn’t working or a town we’ve grown tired of? Why do we put up with situations we’re not happy with?

The most common answer given is fear. We hate change, breaking our routine, but what we need to realize is that security can only be found on the inside. We cannot control what’s on the outside.

Right now, we are seeing major changes, adjustments and shifts in the global economy. No one is really sure where things are heading, and there are wonderful opportunities, if we open our eyes. Does it matter what others think about our choices? Most of the time, they wish they had the guts to do the same. So why not seize this moment to grow and discover new things about yourself. That is one of the benefits of travel. Our year in Belize, Central America,  with our three sons, taught me how to simplify and downsize: two useful skills to have in today’s economy. My sons became more creative, bonded with family, and saw people living in poor conditions, yet enjoying their life.

This leads me to my next move. As soon as our house in California sells, my husband and I are relocating to Naples, Florida. We are ready to open a new chapter in our life. Both of us see opportunities for change and need to get out of Orange County, to take advantage of a more serene lifestyle. What if it doesn’t work out? some of you may be asking. My answer, I don’t think that way. Everything in life teaches us something new. It’s our attitude towards change, that counts.

For those of you wishing to change, I recommend taking one small step this week. It’s the small steps that lead to something bigger in the long run. Let me give you a few examples:

• Research a class or an activity you’ve been interested in taking and sign up.
• Try a new recipe to spice up your life.
• If you want to grow your blog, try a new approach: Interview some famous people. Here’s how.

Become a snake. Just as a snake sheds its outer layer of skin, we all need to keep growing, no matter how old or young we feel. So shed your skin and go for it.

(I realize many of my readers are already risk takers. You know who you are.)