As a mother of three sons with strong views on parenting, I decided to tackle a subject which has been in the news lately, “helicopter parenting.”
The reason I want to talk about it is because, not only does it affect how we raise our kids today, but also how they turn out in college and in the work world.
First of all, what is a “helicopter parent?”
According to Dr. Robyn Silverman, a specialist in adolescent and child behavior, “a parent who hovers around her child and swoops in at a moments notice whenever she sees her child in any distress or discomfort, even when having a little bit of a challenge.”
A video of the interview with Dr. Robyn Silverman.
Of course our job is to protect our children, but some parents may have gone one step too far. They constantly check-in on or up on their child, because of their own anxiety. They call and text, even during school hours, which is a real problem for teachers. As Dr. Silverman points out, “it’s the who, what, where, when and why of over protection.”
Helicopter parenting becomes a real problem when it continues into college and then their adult child’s job. Some parents can’t let go and start calling their child’s boss when they’re sick, or checking in on their child’s job interview.
This has become a major problem today for companies hiring young people brought up by “helicopter parents.” The kids never learn problem solving and often depend on their parents to take care of them, even when they’re adults.
So what can parents do?
- Coach your child rather than solve their problems for them
- Ask your kid to come up with solutions
- Teach your kids to brainstorm
- Teach your kids to think on their own
I don’t know about you, but did your parents hover around you? Mine didn’t. They actually allowed me to leave home at fourteen and attend boarding school in England. That was my wish, and they stood by me. I now realize how difficult this must have been for my mom who only had me. In those days, we had no e-mails, no texting and I think I learned some valuable lessons on being independent which I’ve passed on to my own three sons.
My youngest, sixteen, wanted to leave home and attend NMMI, a military boarding school in New Mexico, and the only contact I’m allowed with him for twenty-one days, is letter-writing. This is difficult for me as an empty nester, but I realize this is important for him.
Here is an interesting article on Helicopter parenting, if you want to read more.
Let’s get a discussion going. Your thoughts are always welcome.
Ah, I recognize this so well… There has been lots of debate over here about that for several years now… It's called curling parenting in Swedish!
I do recognise myself in this description, mostly because my kids speak three languages and if they're having difficulties communicating in one of the two languages I share with them, then I do tend to swoop in and help them. Mind you, I think this will fast become a thing of the past, as the moment when their Italian becomes better than mine is fast approaching!
excellent thoughts, sonia, couldn't agree more. when i lived in england, my parents let me ride the train to downtown london and go shopping with a friend at age 12. nowadays that would be akin to child abuse. what a different world we live in.
with my son about to head off to college in 2 weeks, i re-read a passage by joseph campbell that i love and try to live by: "a clinging mother is a terrible weight on the life of a young man." your son sounds like an incredibly independent young man. congratulations, mom – sending loving wishes as you brave those 21 days. xo
I don't think I was a helicopter parent. I think parents today perceive more danger in the world for their kids than I ever did.
What a fantastic post. My parents taught us all to be independant & I hope I am doing the same with my own children. I owned a business & employed apprentices. In the job application or interview process I didn't select any applicants for an interview or job trial if their parents contacted me or delivered the resume or filled out the paper work on the kids behalf. I felt I wouldn't just be employing the teenager but also the parent & that never runs smoothly in the long term!!!These kids don't know how to function independently in the adult world.
I don't think we did that, nor did my parents do that for me. Help our kids out when they were in a real bind? Yes. Other than that — time to back off, but to be available.
Of course, I grew up in the day when I could head out on my own, and as long as I was home in time for lunch or supper, or phoned home, everything was OK. I don't know if that would work today; I think parents are much more fearful — probably with good reason.
That, btw, the dilemma we face with our grandchildren. They can't just leave home and wander over to their grandparents' place — even thought our homes are only about ten blocks apart. That is really sad; a far cry from the days of my "growing up."
Nah, can't say I see myself as a helicopter parent.
My own mother was aggressively dominant and protective – and had a hysterical fit when I packed my bags and left home at age 18.
Sadly her inability to 'back off' has been the cause of very 'distant' mother and daughter relationship. I hope to do better by my own children.
I recognize helicopter tendencies in myself, but as my boys get older, I'm realizing that letting go is not always a scary thing. As long as I can do it a little at a time 🙂
I see some of my friends doing this and it drives me nuts. I am learned over the years to somewhat back off although I know I have a little more work to do.
@LadyFi
Can't believe the funny name in Sweden too.
@Louise
The language thing is a different situation. As you said, kisd learn fast.
@Amanda
What a great quote by Joseph Campbell. i agree with it.
@Jeanie
Why do they perceive more danger? Because of TV?
@Trish
I didn't realize parents contacting employers really happened, so glad you confirmed it for me.
@Rob-bear
That must be frustrating for you, depending on the age of the grandkids.
@Return to Norway
You made a good point for those who don't believe it happens.
@Jenny
Sounds like you're learning and doing at the same time. Good for you.
@Debbie
I think all of us do some some extent. Balance is the key.
This phenomenon has baffled me since the first time I became aware of it. My mother-in-law used to say, 'You raise your kids for someone else.' She was right. What good is giving them wings if you are keeping a net over them?
I honestly think these parents have their own ego problems, but that's probably an entirely different post.
Thanks for the post!
In Danish it's "curling forældre", just like in Sweden, though I daresay "rugby" parenting is more approporiate, since some kids are hardly allowed to touch the floor anymore!
Sometimes I feel like a bad mother, because I'm so opposite of the helicopter parenting. Things really have to get bad before I swoop in!
We never were, but sometimes it seems that our kids are. It's difficult to not want to say something, but if we don't see any real harm, we tend to bit our tongues and let them raise their own.
There are certainly many parents who do this. I just saw a comedy sketch of a guy who said his mom was hovered over him. He said that if he got up to pee during the night, that when he got back to his bed, that it was made.
HA HA!
Good luck with your move.
Thanks for visiting my blog, Gutsy W. You're always welcome.
This is a great post. It's often difficult to get the right balance between over and under parenting. Important to keep trying though.
There's obviously a balance between being too hands-off and too hands-on. That said, there's no ONE right answer because every child is different and what works with each individual child varies. I'm also interested in the topic of "helicopter parents" because my eldest child is now in 2nd year university and my 2nd child is completing high school this year.
I recently wrote an article titled, "Parenting My Way" that you may find interesting. Here's the link:
http://karynclimans.com/2010/07/30/parenting-my-way/
I am so glad you paused at my blog long enough to leave a comment and introduce yourself. I love your blog topics. I try my very best to not hover and usually push the boys to go that extra step. I find I am unlike my friends as I relish every new year of growth due to the new experiences and challenges that my child will encounter. With each passing year their character comes marching forward even at times when it kills me to watch them fall under full assault from the variables of life.
Let me point out for example,that the news in the world today is strange,violent,and indeed portrays a place that is not safe.I understand this compulsion that parents have,to call and check up on young teenagers,we wouldnt be paying much attention to our instincts if the thought to call them when they arent close by didnt cross our minds.The issue happens when we interrupt them at school of course or if we use cell phones to extend our control over them where it isnt warrented.These parents arent freaks,and in my opinion I think they,re simply reacting to a really crazy world.I live in a small town,and I have two kids.I sometimes think I made a responsible choice to live here instead of a huge city where the crime is high,and as soon as I get cozy….something sick happens down the road.I found out that several convicted child molesters live near my daughters school.I also understand that kids need to grow and you cant hover all the time however,any parent who loves a child cant stand the thought of letting the child walk to school for example,only to get a phone call from the police that hers or his dead body was found…this is real!
The worlds a crazy place,parents are just reacting.