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“My Gutsy Story” by Juanima Hiatt

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The Monster in Me

 

Inside, I trembled like a child caught in a bitter, winter wind. A blanket of numbness spread rapidly across my hands, arms, and face. We were still a few miles from my uncle’s house for the Christmas party, but the iron fist around my lungs was closing tighter, cutting off more of my air supply. I could already hear the chatter of twenty people buzzing like a swarm of locusts in my mind, and I knew that when I arrived, I would be pulled into it, and have to fight for hours to save myself. I knew relatives would corner me and ask how I am, and what have I been up to lately; they would not be able to handle my truth, so I would lie. I would smile and say, “Great!” and then hide in a back room, hoping no one would miss me.

As we sped along the freeway, I watched the trees rush by in a blur. My vision changed, marking the familiar descent out of the present where anxiety overwhelmed, into a more protected place. My surroundings became a haze, and sounds began to dissipate.

“You okay?” My husband, Mike, asked. He knew social functions were hard for me. Even if it was family.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Yes, I’ll be fine.” I wished for once I could just be honest with him. I wish I could scream, NO! I want to go home! But I refused to be a killjoy.

“Mama?” A sweet voice called from the back seat. I turned and smiled at Lacey, her six-year-old charm bubbly and irresistible. “I’m glad you came this time.”

“I’m glad, too,” I lied. I looked to the seat next to her, where her two-year-old sister, Jordan, sat transfixed on a toy in her hands. As if feeling my gaze, she looked up at me and smiled with her whole face, flashing two rows of widely-gapped baby teeth. I chuckled at her goofiness. My girls were beautiful, that was certain, but I wondered how they would fare this disorder of mine. I turned back towards the window, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. Tears because I didn’t want to go to our family Christmas party; tears because I hated what was happening to me. Then I pushed them back as I always did, trying to hide the agony swarming and tearing at my soul. Trying to prepare myself for the act I was about to put on for my loved ones. The act I put on almost every day.

This is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and it was triggered by Jordan’s traumatic birth in 2003. That event blew open the vault door to the abuse I had endured as a child, and I never saw it coming.

After fourteen years of peace with my past, my mind was suddenly plagued on a daily basis with vivid memories of rape and abuse; and not just memories, but reliving the events, where terror and pain consumed me mentally and physically. I lived on edge, jumping at any sudden sound or voice. Fear, panic and anxiety grew like a second skin – I walked in it constantly. But the anxiety became the most difficult to conceal. My level of patience existed at my throat, and anything could set me off – a 180-degree turn from who I used to be.

The rage that suddenly existed inside me shocked and horrified me, and there were times I couldn’t diffuse it. I would never hurt my girls, but the rage sat weightlessly on my tongue, and I would not know it was there until they pushed my tolerance too far. One squabble, and the rage sprung out in a frightening roar before I could stop it, jolting my girls into tears. Then crushed with massive regret, I’d scoop them into my arms with profuse apologetics.

Juanima Hiatt and her lovely family

My entire being overflowed with guilt and shame for this thing I could not control, and for the person I’d become. I grieved deeply for the woman I had been: softhearted, patient, and kind. Led by dreams and ambitions of being a singer and a writer, and owning a house in green country.

Not anymore. Dreams gave way to nightmares, and daily torture by flashbacks of frightening things I wanted so badly to forget, but could not. There was no peace in my heart, no joy, and it would get much, much worse before it ever got better.

The typical stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance took five years, while I unwillingly succumbed to the symptoms of PTSD, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and social anxiety disorder. I lived in a bubble, and the plunge I took into depression and despair was so deep, I nearly took my life.

But then I faced a life-changing question: How would you feel if your daughters experienced the same pain? The idea of my daughters ever enduring this clawed my heart into shreds, and from somewhere deep inside a righteous anger rose. I knew I needed to protect them. I knew that sexual abuse is a generational curse, and if it is to stop, someone in the cycle must dig their feet into the ground and face it, fight it, and heal from it. That someone needed to be me.

I chose to fight, and I have never looked back. I will never again be the woman my husband married; I will be someone better. After all, I know who I am now. I know what I am capable of. I know that by doing hard things, I grow in leaps and bounds. By choosing to live, I have developed courage, perseverance, and an iron will. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I have educated my daughters about sexual abuse, but I am also determined to help as many people as possible by sharing my story. My hope is to shatter the stigma of PTSD and abuse, and inspire others to break the silence.

Juanima Hiatt Bio:

Juanima Hiatt writes from Oregon whenever she can grab precious silence.  She is a member of Willamette Writer’s Group and the critique group, Scribophile.  Juanima has a special place in her heart for kids – especially teens – and a fervent desire to help people.  She loves movies, fly-fishing, hunting, nature, and any activity with her husband and two daughters.

Her memoir, The Invisible Storm, portrays her battle with PTSD and what it takes to overcome the disorder.  She also enjoys writing screenplays, children’s books, and is currently working on a political thriller novel. You can find out more about Juanima and her books on her websites: juanimahiatt.com and theinvisiblestorm.com

Please follow Juanima on Twitter@jhiatt4, Facebook and LinkedIn

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Sonia Marsh Says: Juanima, your story is incredible and I hope it will help others and give hope to those who face what you did. When the birth of your daughter brought back the trauma of your childhood, and you said,

 ” I lived in a bubble, and the plunge I took into depression and despair was so deep, I nearly took my life.”

“But then I faced a life-changing question: How would you feel if your daughters experienced the same pain?”

“I chose to fight, and I have never looked back.”

Your courage and strength to change and do what is right for you and your family is inspiring. Thanks for sharing and I believe in you and know you will succeed in your journey:

“to shatter the stigma of PTSD and abuse, and inspire others to break the silence.”

Please leave your comments for Juanima and she will be over to respond. Thanks for sharing with friends and your fellow readers.

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 Do you have a “My Gutsy Story” you’d like to share?

To submit your own, “My Gutsy Story” you can find all the information, and our sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story” contest page. (VIDEO) Submission guidelines here.

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The next VOTING for your favorite July  “My Gutsy Story” starts on Thursday August 2nd, until August15th.  The winner will be announced on August 16th. Winner gets to pick their prize from our 14 sponsors.

Please share these wonderful “My Gutsy Story” series with others on Twitter and other links below, if you care to spread their work.

Thank you.

Gutsy Book Buzz: Who Gives a Crap?

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I’m one of those last minute spontaneous bloggers who never seems to schedule things until it’s crunch time.

I often have no idea what I’m going to post until the night before–if I’m lucky–but realistically, I sometimes wait until Thursday morning, a few minutes before 8 a.m., when my post is supposed to be written.

So imagine my delight when I found an Indiegogo video, called “Who Gives a Crap?” that resonated with me.

It’s so creative, so well-written, and so honest. It was exactly what I wanted to hear about, not only because of it’s title and double entendre, (the guy sits on a toilet for over 50 hours to raise $50,000) but because the guy is a genius at coming up with a unique concept to fund his project.

So today I’m going to talk about: Who gives a crap? And more importantly, how do you stand out? Here’s what I mean.

  • We live in a competitive world where everyone is striving to have a voice that gets heard above the millions of other voices.
  • We want to be unique, but how is that possible in a world full of other unique people?
  • We keep hearing about the magic formula that will help us reach our goal in no time at all.  As an ex- personal trainer, clients wanted the “quick fix” to get thin or muscular.
  • There is no magic formula for anything except one thing, in my mind. And this “who gives a crap” guy from Australia demonstrates it.

The reason why this guy succeeded in raising more money for his project than he expected is in my opinion, the formula for real success:

1). He is himself

2). He is extremely creative. How many would sit on a potty for that long!

3). He is down-to earth and unpretentious (perhaps I’m repeating #1)

4). He is not conning us.

5). He is an engineer, (I think) and I always admire smart people who haven’t been media-trained to death to sound robotic.

6). He has a project that can help others globally, especially those who are less fortunate than us.

7). If you’ve lived in a country where you depended on rain to flush your toilet, and you’ve had a drought, you can relate. This happened to my family in Belize.

8). His video is “Gutsy.” I mean to sit with your pants down and have a camera pointed towards you in a warehouse is quite “Gutsy,” wouldn’t you say?

9). He has beautiful baby blue eyes. Oops, sorry, but they remind me of my three sons when they were babies.

In today’s world,  we have to think of creative ways to stand out. The questions is HOW? What kind of video would you make if you wanted to raise funds for your book, your indie movie, your project?

Any thoughts? Please let us know and share with your friends. Thanks, Sonia

 Photo credit above purpleslog

“My Gutsy Story” Mary Hertslet

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Life Lessons Learned

On the registration form for my 50th high school reunion, in the year 2000, we were asked to finish the sentence,  “If I had it to do over again, I would – – – ” When completed, our answers were collected, compiled into a booklet and given to each of us. I completed the sentence with, “I would not change anything.” I was surprised to see that many others had completed the sentence in the same way. They seemed to be happy with the life they had, as was I. Also, I added a bit of advice I had already given to some of the younger generation, which was my own mantra for life: “Take advantage of your opportunities, follow your passions, and never stop learning.” A caveat to this, of course, is that you have to prepare yourself first, so that when that opportunity does come along, you will be in a position to accept it.

Together, working as a team through hard times, hard work, and with perseverance, my husband, Hersh, and I were able to start reaching some of our goals in life by taking advantage of opportunities that came to us. Sometimes, when I felt downhearted, he would say things like, “Don’t worry, we have our whole lives ahead of us”, or “The world is our oyster”. I believed it too.

After three years in the Marine Corps during WWII (two years in China), Hersh completed college and received his masters in geography. Meanwhile, I brushed up on my office skills, preparing ourselves for opportunities we might have of a career that would take us traveling. Travel was our passion. When he saw a magazine in the college library, listing positions for teachers in foreign countries, he immediately sent out applications.

In 1955, Hersh and I flew across the South Pacific, to the island of Guam, where he was under contract as a high school geography and history teacher, and I was a secretary at the school. This was the beginning of a six-year adventurous life, during which time we traveled the world.

At the end of each two-year contract, we had a three-month R&R (Rest and Relaxation) that we used for travel. This was a time before jets flew across the South Pacific, before air-conditioning, computers, etc. It was also before many people had traveled throughout Southeast Asia or explored the islands of the South Pacific as we did with our five-month-old son, Steve. We made a trip around the world later when Steve was two years old. Not much had been written about exotic places like Egypt and India. Nepal had just opened their borders. We were some of the first outsiders to enter their country.

1957 – Leaving Guam for our first three- month travels throughout Southeast Asia and the South Pacific.

Traveling through the world in the 1950s was difficult and rigorous, especially with a small child. Hersh was a consummate geographer, wanting to see countries and islands of the world from the viewpoint of the people and their lands, and not just as a tourist. It was also the most educational six years we would spend.

We lived in a pre-globalization era. We traveled during a time when the past was on the brink of colliding with the future. It was an opportunity we had then, that no longer exists

Meanwhile, island life on Guam for six years was enjoyable. Living in a Quonset hut in a small village, without telephone, TV, etc, was a culture shock, to say the least. However, we adjusted quickly and loved every minute of our life there.

After six years abroad, we returned to the States in 1961 and resumed a more normal life with our son who, by then, was five years old and ready to start school. Hersh returned to college at Rutgers University where he acquired another degree that enabled him to change his career. Afterward, we moved to the Washington, D.C. area where he began working for the Department of Defense.

Had we not taken the opportunity that was given us early in our lives, we would have missed this great six-year adventure completely. In 1976, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.  After 24 years of marriage we spent the next 33 years living with this insidious disease.  He died in 2009.

Now, as I look back to a time long ago, when we took advantage of an opportunity, I can remember our great adventures during those years when there was a time for us, and the world was our oyster.

Mary Hertslet Bio:

I grew up in Independence, a small town just outside of Kansas City, Missouri. While working at a bank in Kansas City, I met my husband on a blind date (the first and last).  After three years of marriage, Hersh and I went off to see the world and live on a beautiful South Pacific island for 6 glorious years.

After returning to the States, we settled in Maryland, bought a house and raised two wonderful children. I am also a proud grandmother of twin granddaughters.

In the 1980s I started a business in arts and crafts that lasted over twelve years. Finally I had to give it up to become a full time caregiver for Hersh until he went into a nursing home.

To help with my grief of knowing he would never be home again, I decided this would be the best time to start researching and writing a memoir.  As I wrote, I took pages to read to him.  He was no longer able to speak, but I could see the sparkle in his eyes and sometimes even a few tears.  I continued writing and reading to him until his death in 2009.  At that point, I stopped writing my memoir.  After 57 years of marriage, it was impossible to write  through my tears. I have started writing again this year, mostly essays and short stories, hoping it will bring me back to finishing my memoir.

Mary can be reached via e-mail at: clemmary1@yahoo.com

 Sonia Marsh Says: I think the best response from someone when they look back upon their life is to say, “I would not change a thing, or I have no regrets.” I know my own father has said that to me, and he is 87.  I also think we need to remember the important lesson you give us:

“Take advantage of your opportunities, follow your passions, and never stop learning.“

I enjoy your writing and hope that you continue with your memoir. You have so many adventures to write about that we would like to read. Thanks Mary for sharing your “My Gutsy Story”.

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Do you have a “My Gutsy Story” you’d like to share?

To submit your own, “My Gutsy Story” you can find all the information, and our sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story” contest page. (VIDEO) Submission guidelines here.

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Please leave your comments for Mary and she will be over to respond. Also remember to share the “My Gutsy Story” series with your friends by clicking on the buttons to your favorite sites below.

 Thanks, Sonia Marsh.

 

Vote for your favorite June “My Gutsy Story”

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It’s time to vote for one of your 4 favorite “My Gutsy Stories”, and once again, they are all fantastic.

From June 28th until July 11th midnight, PST, you can vote for your favorite June 2012, “My Gutsy Story.”

To VOTE, please go to the poll on the right  side of this post. You will find it on the sidebar listing the names of all 4 “My Gutsy Story,” authors.

Here are the 4 stories. Only ONE vote per person.

June 4th:

First of all we had Doug Edwards with his story about how he decided to change his life at age eleven.

Doug Edwards

June 11th:

Marla Cerise

Marla Cerise went through many tragedies in her life and how she was able to survive them.

June 18th:

Jeffrey Crimmel

Jeffrey Crimmel

Jeffrey Crimmel shares his important message: “We are only visitors in another country and have to respect their traditions and not attempt to impose our own. ”

June 25th:

Madeline Sharples

 

Madeline Sharples

Madeline hopes that her story will inspire others to find ways to survive their own tragic experiences.

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Do you have a “My Gutsy Story” you’d like to share?

To submit your own, “My Gutsy Story” you can find all the information, and our sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story” contest page. (VIDEO) Submission guidelines here.

Please share the “My Gutsy Story” series with your friends, fellow bloggers and other writers by using the buttons below. Thank you.

 

“My Gutsy Story” by Madeline Sharples

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When my older son Paul died by suicide in 1999 after a seven-year battle with bipolar disorder, I knew I had to find ways to keep myself busy and productive or else I would wallow away in my grief. At the time of his death I was writing grant proposals for a homeless shelter, but I found too many reminders working from my home office. The solution, I thought, was to work outside my home.

After two false starts at part-time jobs outside – writing grant proposals for our local free clinic and managing capital campaigns as a fundraising consultant – I decided the way for me to live with the death of my older son was to get rehired by the aerospace company I retired from in the mid-1990s where I had worked off and on since the mid 1960s. When a job opening came up in January 2003, I jumped at it and was hired.

My job was to help my company produce proposals, a huge document or set of documents, meant to persuade the government to hire us to do their needed work. The job was challenging, meaningful, and very stressful – all necessary to keeping my mind so occupied with other things I would have no time to grieve. Each proposal project had a defined beginning, middle, and end so it gave me the opportunity to work with ever-changing proposal teams. I thrived on that socialization, the respect others had for my work, and the challenges of training engineers how to write in English.

Meeting stringent deadlines made me stronger, and keeping my mind on the job stopped me from dwelling on my loss. Plus, I gained skills in setting goals, organizing work and the people I worked with, and managing to a deadline – all skills necessary to my writing career now.

But I kept feeling the draw of creative writing. I had studied journalism in high school and college, I had taken many writing classes and workshops, and by 2009, I was already shopping a memoir I had written (in my “spare” time) about the death of our son and how our family survived. So I started to think about retiring from my day job again. Except I kept hesitating. I was afraid to take that step. I was afraid I would fall apart without my full-time job crutch.

Even though I asked myself: why was I doing my company’s work – of taking men and women back to the moon? Why should I do this work instead of working on my own writing projects? Why was I sabotaging my creativity and healing? I rationalized that I needed the structure, the socialization, and the money. I rationalized that I wouldn’t do well working from home again – alone. But it was none of those. I just plain refused to find out if I could live and survive on my own and as the full-time writer I so longed to be.

Well, I finally did retire, but it took me until April 2010, to do it. When I look back at all those years of indecision, I realize I just couldn’t make the final decision until I was good and ready. Until I felt comfortable enough with myself. Until I stopped carrying around the grief and sorrow.

And the timing was perfect.

Two months after I retired I got a publishing contract for my memoir Leaving the Hall Light On: A Mother’s Memoir of Living with Her Son’s Bipolar Disorder and Surviving His Suicide that I had been pitching for over two years. Almost immediately I was knee-deep in revising my book and getting it ready for publication and getting more and more involved with the social networking necessary to publicize my book. Best of all, after my book was published, I was able to move on to the career I’ve wanted to have since I was a teenager: as a journalist and creative writer.

I like to think that Paul’s death gave me the gift of this new career and a new mission in life. I created a book with the goal of helping others who have experienced a loss like mine; I am working as a web journalist for several online sites that deal with survival, healthy living, and being a vibrant over 60-year old; I’m busy writing a novel, and I discovered my most important work of all: helping to erase the stigma of mental illness and prevent suicide with the hope of saving lives. If my writing helps attain that mission, it will all be worth it.

Madeline Sharples Bio:

Madeline Sharples studied journalism in high school and college and wrote for the high school newspaper, but only started to fulfill her dream to work as a creative writer and journalist late in life. In the meantime she worked most of her professional life as a technical writer and editor, grant writer, and proposal manager. She sold real estate for ten years while her boys were growing up, and instead of creative writing, she took creative detours into drawing and painting, sewing, quilting, and needlepoint.

Released in hardback in 2011, her memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On: A Mother’s Memoir of Living with Her Son’s Bipolar Disorder and Surviving His Suicide, will be available through Dream of Things in paperback and eBook editions in July.

It tells the steps she took in living with the loss of her oldest son, first and foremost that she chose to live and take care of herself as a woman, wife, mother, and writer. She hopes that her story will inspire others to find ways to survive their own tragic experiences.

She also co-authored Blue-Collar Women: Trailblazing Women Take on Men-Only Jobs (New Horizon Press, 1994), co-edited the poetry anthology, The Great American Poetry Show, Volumes 1 and 2, and wrote the poems for two photography books, The Emerging Goddess and Intimacy (Paul Blieden, photographer). Her poems have also appeared online and in print magazines. Madeline’s articles also appear regularly in the Huffington Post, Naturally Savvy, PsychAlive, and Open to Hope. She also posts at her blogs, Choices and at Red Room.

She is currently writing an historical fiction book, but her main mission is raising awareness, educating, and erasing the stigma of mental illness and suicide, through her writing and volunteer work, in the hopes of saving lives.

You can purchase her memoir at Red Room or Amazon.

MADELINE’S BOOK TRAILER:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TMOVHAmSlc

Become a Facebook fan of Madeline Sharples (for book news and writing tidbits)

Her two blogs are: http://madeline40.blogspot.com/ and http://www.redroom.com/member/madeline40

Visit her website, and Tweet her@madeline40

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Sonia Marsh Says: Madeline, I don’t know where to begin with my praise for you, your courage and your determination. The way you chose to handle your grief by immersing yourself in your work, is probably the best way to handle such a tragic loss as that of a child.

On a lighter note, I’m envious of the skills you have:

“Plus, I gained skills in setting goals, organizing work and the people I worked with, and managing to a deadline – all skills necessary to my writing career now.”

I’m finding it so difficult to keep organized, and almost wish I had help to handle the paperwork and filing, so I could keep up with what I enjoy most: meeting people, networking  and connecting. Any advice would be appreciated.

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 Do you have a “My Gutsy Story” you’d like to share?

To submit your own, “My Gutsy Story” you can find all the information, and our sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story” contest page. (VIDEO) Submission guidelines here.

***

The next VOTING for your favorite June  “My Gutsy Story” starts on Thursday June 28th, until July 11th.  The winner will be announced on July 12th. Winner gets to pick their prize from our 14 sponsors.

Please share these wonderful “My Gutsy Story” series with others on Twitter and other links below, if you care to spread their work.

Thank you.

 

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