The Monster in Me
Inside, I trembled like a child caught in a bitter, winter wind. A blanket of numbness spread rapidly across my hands, arms, and face. We were still a few miles from my uncle’s house for the Christmas party, but the iron fist around my lungs was closing tighter, cutting off more of my air supply. I could already hear the chatter of twenty people buzzing like a swarm of locusts in my mind, and I knew that when I arrived, I would be pulled into it, and have to fight for hours to save myself. I knew relatives would corner me and ask how I am, and what have I been up to lately; they would not be able to handle my truth, so I would lie. I would smile and say, “Great!” and then hide in a back room, hoping no one would miss me.
As we sped along the freeway, I watched the trees rush by in a blur. My vision changed, marking the familiar descent out of the present where anxiety overwhelmed, into a more protected place. My surroundings became a haze, and sounds began to dissipate.
“You okay?” My husband, Mike, asked. He knew social functions were hard for me. Even if it was family.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Yes, I’ll be fine.” I wished for once I could just be honest with him. I wish I could scream, NO! I want to go home! But I refused to be a killjoy.
“Mama?” A sweet voice called from the back seat. I turned and smiled at Lacey, her six-year-old charm bubbly and irresistible. “I’m glad you came this time.”
“I’m glad, too,” I lied. I looked to the seat next to her, where her two-year-old sister, Jordan, sat transfixed on a toy in her hands. As if feeling my gaze, she looked up at me and smiled with her whole face, flashing two rows of widely-gapped baby teeth. I chuckled at her goofiness. My girls were beautiful, that was certain, but I wondered how they would fare this disorder of mine. I turned back towards the window, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. Tears because I didn’t want to go to our family Christmas party; tears because I hated what was happening to me. Then I pushed them back as I always did, trying to hide the agony swarming and tearing at my soul. Trying to prepare myself for the act I was about to put on for my loved ones. The act I put on almost every day.
This is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and it was triggered by Jordan’s traumatic birth in 2003. That event blew open the vault door to the abuse I had endured as a child, and I never saw it coming.
After fourteen years of peace with my past, my mind was suddenly plagued on a daily basis with vivid memories of rape and abuse; and not just memories, but reliving the events, where terror and pain consumed me mentally and physically. I lived on edge, jumping at any sudden sound or voice. Fear, panic and anxiety grew like a second skin – I walked in it constantly. But the anxiety became the most difficult to conceal. My level of patience existed at my throat, and anything could set me off – a 180-degree turn from who I used to be.
The rage that suddenly existed inside me shocked and horrified me, and there were times I couldn’t diffuse it. I would never hurt my girls, but the rage sat weightlessly on my tongue, and I would not know it was there until they pushed my tolerance too far. One squabble, and the rage sprung out in a frightening roar before I could stop it, jolting my girls into tears. Then crushed with massive regret, I’d scoop them into my arms with profuse apologetics.
My entire being overflowed with guilt and shame for this thing I could not control, and for the person I’d become. I grieved deeply for the woman I had been: softhearted, patient, and kind. Led by dreams and ambitions of being a singer and a writer, and owning a house in green country.
Not anymore. Dreams gave way to nightmares, and daily torture by flashbacks of frightening things I wanted so badly to forget, but could not. There was no peace in my heart, no joy, and it would get much, much worse before it ever got better.
The typical stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance took five years, while I unwillingly succumbed to the symptoms of PTSD, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and social anxiety disorder. I lived in a bubble, and the plunge I took into depression and despair was so deep, I nearly took my life.
But then I faced a life-changing question: How would you feel if your daughters experienced the same pain? The idea of my daughters ever enduring this clawed my heart into shreds, and from somewhere deep inside a righteous anger rose. I knew I needed to protect them. I knew that sexual abuse is a generational curse, and if it is to stop, someone in the cycle must dig their feet into the ground and face it, fight it, and heal from it. That someone needed to be me.
I chose to fight, and I have never looked back. I will never again be the woman my husband married; I will be someone better. After all, I know who I am now. I know what I am capable of. I know that by doing hard things, I grow in leaps and bounds. By choosing to live, I have developed courage, perseverance, and an iron will. My faith is stronger than it has ever been. I have educated my daughters about sexual abuse, but I am also determined to help as many people as possible by sharing my story. My hope is to shatter the stigma of PTSD and abuse, and inspire others to break the silence.
Juanima Hiatt Bio:
Juanima Hiatt writes from Oregon whenever she can grab precious silence. She is a member of Willamette Writer’s Group and the critique group, Scribophile. Juanima has a special place in her heart for kids – especially teens – and a fervent desire to help people. She loves movies, fly-fishing, hunting, nature, and any activity with her husband and two daughters.
Her memoir, The Invisible Storm, portrays her battle with PTSD and what it takes to overcome the disorder. She also enjoys writing screenplays, children’s books, and is currently working on a political thriller novel. You can find out more about Juanima and her books on her websites: juanimahiatt.com and theinvisiblestorm.com
Please follow Juanima on Twitter@jhiatt4, Facebook and LinkedIn
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Sonia Marsh Says: Juanima, your story is incredible and I hope it will help others and give hope to those who face what you did. When the birth of your daughter brought back the trauma of your childhood, and you said,
” I lived in a bubble, and the plunge I took into depression and despair was so deep, I nearly took my life.”
“But then I faced a life-changing question: How would you feel if your daughters experienced the same pain?”
“I chose to fight, and I have never looked back.”
Your courage and strength to change and do what is right for you and your family is inspiring. Thanks for sharing and I believe in you and know you will succeed in your journey:
“to shatter the stigma of PTSD and abuse, and inspire others to break the silence.”
Please leave your comments for Juanima and she will be over to respond. Thanks for sharing with friends and your fellow readers.
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Thank you.
Juanima, You opened my eyes to all those who suffer from PTSD, other than what the media covers mostly: troops returning from war. Thakns for sharing your brave story and your fight to help others.
Thank you so much, Sonia. I do hope to get media to expand on their coverage to include those who have PTSD who are NOT veterans. Certainly, they deserve tremendous coverage, but people should understand this is not a disorder exclusive to vets. Rape is still the number one cause of PTSD. Thank you so much for posting this story! You’re helping me share! 🙂
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
Not just a gutsy story but a beautifully written gutsy story. I admire your efforts to pay it forward. Abuse of any kind is something I’ve fought against most of my life. Sexual abuse is in a category all its own. You are a shining example for your daughters.
b
barbara recently posted..Post 201: A Retrospective
Thank you for your kind words, Barbara! And thank you for fighting against abuse. It is brave and wonderful people like you who will help bring this more into the open so it can be stopped. It breaks my heart to know hundreds of thousands of victims have just stayed silent their whole lives, harboring this incredible pain. I so badly want people to know the freedom of healing. Thanks again, B. 🙂
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
Oh – what a story. So much beautiful bravery. Thank you for sharing.
Lady Fi recently posted..On the beach
Aw, Lady Fi, you’re very sweet. Thank you so much. <3
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
Add ‘Inspiration’ to your middle name, Juanima. Even for those who have not experienced the abuse done to you, reading your story inspires our spirits to step out of our own denials and into the abyss of anger & depression in order to move towards the shores of acceptance and peace within our souls. By the end of your Gutsy Story, my own sense of personal conviction for self-care became stronger. Thank you so very much.
Doreen Cox recently posted..UNEXPECTED VISITORS
Wow, Doreen – your words brought tears to my eyes! I’m so glad it touched you in that way! Makes me just want to hug you. Thank you for your amazing words. I’m truly taking them to heart, and carrying them with me today. God bless you!
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
I found myself entranced with, not ony the story, but the unflding of it. You have a special alent for including the reader in developing action. I intend to follow your Blog and pehaps buy your book. Thanks!
Dearesr Juanima. Your story was very poignant and well written and so heroic.
I, too, suffered from PTSD only this was abuse of another kind- from chemotherapy; with the treatment and after effects of the horror. It took quite a while before I could complete the one (semi) serious chapter in my newest satirical survival book “Dancin, Shmancin with the Scars.” The essay is called Touched by an Angel in an Inappropriate Place and still to this day I occasionally burst into tears when I read it.The hair grew back and I am fine still sometimes…
The good thing: we are all here healthy and happy to share our journey. You are simply wonderful!
Good luck, Juanima.
AND
Have Fun!
Jan Marshall
My dear Jan, thank you for your amazing post. And thank you for sharing your personal story. What a trying time… I can’t imagine. And yet you, too, have chosen to fight and even write about your experience. I would love to read your essay if you would ever choose to share it. And I know what you mean… there are even parts in my book that still make me cry to read. The pain is still so raw in some places. But you are SO right – we are healthy and happy to share our journey. Or at least I’m working on the happiness part. You have to do it on purpose, right? Thank you for your encouragement and sharing a piece of your own inspiring growth. God bless you, friend. 🙂
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
What a wonderful compliment, Dee! Thank you so much! If you buy the book, I hope you’ll tell me your thoughts on it. I just LOVE hearing from my readers. It has sparked some really amazing conversations and relationships. Thank you, dear friend. 🙂
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
I was not sexually abused as a child, but have a close friend that was… The suffering never ends. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and above all, giving back to those who might need your help. The world is a circle for a purpose. What comes around goes around. We must help each other.
Cheers from the Blue Ridge Mountains, Virginia!! (Where we find peace and quiet…LOL)
Teri! Nice to see you here! 🙂 Thank you so much for your comments. I am so sorry for your friend. There is indeed MUCH suffering, living with a history of sexual abuse. But the whole point of my memoir is that it CAN end. It absolutely can end. It’s the reason I wrote my story…because people who suffer this way need a glimpse of hope, and to see living proof that healing is possible. And I love what you wrote: The world is a circle for a reason. I LOVE that! We DO need to reach out and help one another. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I do wish I was in the Blue Ridge Mountains myself! I need some of that peace and quiet. 😉
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
Juanima, thanks for your courageous sharing of your story. As a child of emotional and verbal abuse by my mother, I’m so glad you stopped and realized that you wanted to break the cycle of behaviors. That takes a strong soul and lots of courage. I noted that you live in Oregon and are a member of Willamette Writers as well as a critique group. I’ll be contacting you about the critique group; I’ve been looking for one.
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Heart Filled with Gratitude
Sherrey, are you a fellow Oregonian?? 😀 Certainly get in touch with me! The critique group is online, but they’re good. Thank you so much for your thoughtful words. I remember reading your Gutsy Story, just so in awe of your strength to stand up to your mother. That also takes tremendous courage! And it’s proof that we are ALL capable of change, and of making great changes in our lives – and even in the world. You, too, are impacting so many by sharing your story! I look at my daughters today, and my fight is not over. But I am SO glad I didn’t give up. I am so glad I could get past myself and see that there were other hearts at stake. Other futures. I was so close to destroying all of it. Thank you… for your tremendous encouragement! Much love to you, Sherrey!
Juanima recently posted..I Just Went Through Something Terrible! Will I Get PTSD?
Thru tearful eyes, what a relatable read. I wanted to think I was perhaps gaining some insight to help my daughter who has PTSD, but I realized the cloud follows myself as well. I have pushed my daughter thru therapy when I am the one who actually should have a bit for myself.
Well done my friend, privileged to call you mine.
My dear Trista, you show true courage and awareness by acknowledging your need for help. For more than a year I denied the symptoms that so clearly showed I was in over my head. I wouldn’t be where I am today without finally reaching out. The stigma I placed on therapy is no more, and as I tell in my book, I had plenty of reasons as a teen to never want to trust therapists again with my struggles. But when you find the right one – they become a catalyst toward a life without the emotional pain and burdens you now carry. The self-care I learned in therapy also carries over to my daughters. You are better able to help your loved ones when you help yourself. I am proud of you!!! And indeed, you are a friend, and I am very happy to call you one, too. <3
Juanima Hiatt recently posted..Press Release: Autobiography Transports Readers to a Dark World Many Know, But Rarely Speak About: PTSD
It must have taken great courage for you to write “The Invisible Storm,” and face your past. I imagine that it was both traumatic and cathartic. Your vivid portrayal of what it’s like to have PTSD drew me into your story and made me a participant. Your lyrical prose adds depth and perspective to a harsh subject.
Penelope J recently posted..Never Give Up on Your Dream
Penelope, thank you so much for your compliments and encouragement. You are right about the writing of the book! It was very difficult, to say the least, writing the book so honestly and with so much detail about the pain of PTSD and healing, and about my past. But it was SO worth it, when I get comments such as yours, and like the one I received on FB yesterday from a woman who herself had been traumatized at 15, and then later developed PTSD. She said my book inspired her and gave her hope, and my eyes welled up when I read that. People NEED hope, and I feel it helps knowing someone else has been through the same pain and came out on the other side. Thank you so much for commenting!
Juanima Hiatt recently posted..A Life Cut Short?
How brave of you to be so honest. I applaud you for determining to make a change for the sake of your children. I say this because, I, too, was a victim of abuse who decided to do the same. My best to you.
Teresa Cleveland Wendel recently posted..Crop Circles in my Backyard
Teresa – thank you so much! And I applaud you, too, brave lady, for making that same decision! Your post made me smile. This journey is truly not easy, but I hope you realize how much strength and courage it took to keep stepping forward, day by day. You are passing on those attributes to your children! You are changing their destiny because of what you chose to fight for. Thank you so much for sharing! I wish you all the very best, and wonderful years of strength and victory to come.
Juanima Hiatt recently posted..A Life Cut Short?
I think that it is great that you managed to overcome your PTSD. Finding the strength to do it must have been difficult, but courage was also needed to , as you say, break the cycle.
MuMuGB recently posted..The Olympics : I Was There
MuMuGB, Thanks so much for your comment. I’m not completely over PTSD – I still deal with some symptoms – but I definitely pushed through the healing that needed to happen to break the cycle of abuse so that my daughters can have a different, better life. I also live every day with HOPE, that one day I will be symptom-free. I think attitude is everything when it comes to getting better! Thank you so much for posting! 😀
Juanima Hiatt recently posted..A Life Cut Short?