Breaking the Silence
In horror, I stared at my 11-year-old daughter as she, with tears running down her rosy cheeks, recounted the times and places my own father had molested her. I was torn from my place of denial with a vengeance that knew no mercy. A war waged inside of me. The little girl in me, who never faced her own issues, and being the mother who was always overly protective, fought for freedom from reality. The very thing I thought I had so protected her from had happened. I was in shock. The stark realization of it began to sink in as I tried to make sense of everything I had been thrust into.
I was 35 years old and had never told a soul that I, too, was an incest survivor. I was totally convinced I would go to the grave with the “secret”. Now, because of my silence and denial, my own precious little girl, whom I thought I had protected with my life, had fallen victim to the very same thing I had endured. “Dear God, how does one survive so much pain,” I prayed. I honestly thought my heart would break. My whole foundation of belief was shaken to the core. I had convinced myself that I would never again have to deal with what happened to me as a child between the ages of 7 and 12 years of age.
I had very vivid memories of every incident down to the details but, until then, I felt nothing emotionally. I had blocked out all feeling but remembered everything. I taught myself as a little girl to separate from my body when I couldn’t deal with the trauma. The real me floated on the ceiling playing with the butterflies while watching what was going on below. I would feel sorry for the little girl below, because she looked so sad. But I was just glad it wasn’t happening to me.
Interesting enough, I had been in ministry for years, teaching and praying for the needs of other women when the force of my own past hit me like a ton of bricks. I slowly realized that I, just like the women I ministered to, must begin the journey of walking through the pain of what happened to me to reach the shores of deliverance. I had been in denial for so many years. I had no idea where the journey would take me and I was scared. I knew I had to break the silence. I started with my daughter.
I went to work immediately to give my daughter all the care and love that I had so desperately needed as a child, but never got. My mom instincts took the place of my own victimization. I listened, validated, and comforted her with assurance that I totally believed her and would be there continually as she worked through her emotions. I didn’t realize it at the time but I found that in validating her, I was also validating myself, as no one else ever did for me.
Confronting and exposing within my childhood family was the hardest thing that I ever had to do but I knew if I didn’t the incest would continue. I felt like a wicked person at having to make my mom look at the truth. It was horrible and heart breaking for me to watch her pain at my disclosure in detail. But she soon accused me of lying and regressed into denial of which she was always good at doing. Our relationship, faced with truth and not pretension, was never the same. She could not accept the truth. She did confront my dad. But somehow they excused themselves of any responsibility and continued living as if it never happened. I eventually had to release any expectations of her and accept the fact I could not change her, nor make things better for her.
The moment I released her from any of my expectations was the beginning of freedom for me. And when I realized I would receive nothing emotionally from either of them, I released myself from the responsibility of protecting anyone ever again from this kind of violation, nor would I keep their secret. I was the victim. But that is the day I became a ‘survivor’. And that was the day the generational pattern of incest was stopped in my family. It was at that point that I knew my grandchildren would not be victims to the same crime. The darkness had been exposed to the light. The power of the “secret” was gone. I felt empowered and free from the entanglements and emotions of the past.
Today, my daughter and I both are still learning to “live loved” by our real “Father” in Heaven.
DIXIE DIAMANTI is a Certified Life Coach, author, speaker, and teacher, Dixie has reached out to women and men on the Central Coast of California for many years, leading them into freedom. She believes that every child of God has a distinct calling, and through her work, she assists and coaches them in finding their unique purpose in life. Dixie loves to encourage and challenge clients to move forward in uncovering and making use of the hidden treasures within themselves through the coaching process of self discovery. She is a wife, mom, and nana, to a large and supportive family. Website:www.reflectionsofgracehome.com
Dixie’s book: “Climbing Out of the Box,” My Journey Out of Sexual and Spiritual Abuse Into Freedom and Healing, can be purchased on Amazon.com.
E-mail: Dixie@reflectionsofgracehome.com
SONIA MARSH SAYS: Dixie, thank you for opening up and sharing your story of how you broke the cycle of incest within your family. Your strength and courage in confronting your mother and releasing the “power of the “secret,” will help others see how you have healed and stopped the cycle of abuse within your family.
Dixie Diamanti’s is the 2nd story of our second series “My Gutsy Story®” Anthology #2. Mary Hamer’s is the first one.
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Your courage in breaking “the silence” takes courage. I hope your story can inspire others to do the same.
Sonia Marsh recently posted.. “My Gutsy Story®” Dixie Diamanti
Thanks Sonia! If my story can make a difference in the lives of others then I am blessed. Thank you for providing an avenue for sharing with so many.
I have read Dixie’s book and highly recommend it. Dixie’s gutsy move to break the silence and thereby break free is inspiring.
Bless you my friend…you are always so encouraging!!
You have an amazing testimony Dixie! I am certain your story will be used to open the door of healing for many others. Your book ‘Climbing out of the Box’ is a powerful and compelling story of breaking free. I highly recommend it! Awesome job! Greg
Thank you Greg for your continued support and belief in me!
Dixie, Thank you! What especially resonated with me was where you wrote, “I didn’t realize it at the time but I found that in validating her, I was also validating myself, as no one else ever did for me.” Profound!
Thank you PJ for reading and commenting!! I found that transparency in myself opens the doors for others….
Very powerful story. I was a victim of abuse, but never blatant sexual abuse. My mother tortured me mentally, off and on for years. Finally I had to tell her that I forgave her, but I could not have her in my life. It was a great feeling.
What you’ve done with your life is extraordinary, Dixie. Each person you help is one step closer to extinguishing the pain for others.
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Barbara recently posted..Let Me Tell You About My Giant Son
Thank you Barbara….isn’t it empowering to establish those boundaries without guilt!! Thanks for sharing…I will go check out your blog, too!!
Dixie Diamanti recently posted..Love Speaks Freedom~~Delivering Us from Our Addictions to Food
This is one of the most harrowing stories a parent could possibly read. You’ve told us of disclosing the facts to your mother and of her denial but not made mention here of the reaction of any other family member or more importantly of the police. I would have to hope that you’d made sure your father was arrested and tried for these despicable acts and for others he may have committed where at last there might be mental release for other victims.
I’m sure your husband must have been incensed when he found out what had happened. I’m glad you found the strength to go on with your life and hope your daughter recovered as well as you did.
David Prosser recently posted..Fact, Fiction and Conspiracy Theories.
Yes, David, my daughter is doing well…the difference has been it has ceased being a secret and in that she talks freely, as do I, and recognizes the symptoms of dysfunction most of the time that comes from this kind of travesty. It is constant growth though. You can read the whole story that should answer a lot of your questions in my book, Climbing Out of the Box, my story out of sexual and spiritual abuse into freedom and healing, on Amazon. My life is truly a miracle. Our relationship with God made all the difference. I led support groups for years for women who were victimized as children and was greatly rewarded in witnessing how much healing comes from sharing your story, finding other who experienced the same, and finally feeling free to move forward. Thanks for you comment!!
Dixie, your courage is an example to others who have hidden their stories for decades, and in coming out against your perpetrator and speaking the truth, you opened the door to protection for your daughter. As I see it, God gave this precious child to you to lead the way and in her leading, you have both protected future generations. Blessings on you and your daughter!
Love that Sherrey! I totally agree. In fact, in my book, I describe as I drove to my mothers house that day to tell her, struggling with the guilt of what it would do to her, God reassured me that by doing this, telling the secret within the family, I was breaking the generational pattern of incest. And because of it, my grandchildren would be safe..(I now have 5 of them)…. Never quite thought of it terms of her leading the way, however. I will def. be sharing that with her!! Thanks so much and blessings to you!!
Dixie Diamanti recently posted..Love Speaks Freedom~~Delivering Us from Our Addictions to Food
So much of my own story here Dixie..except it was my grandfather. I’m so sorry for your pain and the pain of your daughter. And so VERY thankful for our Redeeming Father!!
For my daughter, since it was my dad, it was her grandfather too. Unfortunately Caryn there will always be an audience out there who need hope from our stories. If in our vulnerability we can help others to have hope then we will……exposing the secret! I am so sorry for YOUR pain as well my friend and I pray you have found healing and hope in your generation!! Without the Lord where would we be? Blessings to you!!!
Dixie Diamanti recently posted..Love Speaks Freedom~~Delivering Us from Our Addictions to Food
Oh gosh – such a painful story, yet one of bravery and love.
Lady Fi recently posted..Walking through history
Thanks for commenting Lady Fi! Blessings!
Wow, I can imagine the gut whack you felt at your daughter’s revelation, and what a blessing for both of you that you know how to support her! Your example is a powerful one for many situations, not just this one. Thanks for sharing.
It is one that is hard to describe but I have to say that God is even bigger than that…thanks for your comment Sharon!!
Powerfully written. It is the voice of millions that are still silent. Thank you for speaking up and speaking out.
Cathy Severson recently posted..The Fleeting Moments as We Age
Thank you Cathy…..that is my prayer!!
It’s wonderful to read of a mother who finds the strength to protect her child,even though she herself was left exposed.
What strength you showed in confronting your family and dealing with your parents’ denial!
Thank you Mary. It took a while for me to get to that place of confronting but the clearer it became that my denial only enabled him to do it to my child, then I found the strength to stop it…..knowing that if I didn’t it would continue. I didn’t feel alone, though. God was there all the time giving me the strength. Thanks for your comment!
What a horrifying story. What strength it must have taken to pull you through that revelation and the memories of your own abuse at your father’s hands. Somehow, God gave you the courage to go on and to tell your story so that other victims of incest can benefit from your message.
Penelope J recently posted..Never Give Up on Your Dream
Yes, Penelope, it was def. God in action…how does one survive such a crime without Him intervening? I pray my story does give hope to those who thought there was none!! Thanks for commenting!
Dixie Diamanti recently posted..Finding My Real Daddy