Sonia Marsh - Gutsy Living

Life's too short to play it safe

Is Divorce a Gift or a Curse?

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Is divorce a gift or a curse?
Is divorce a gift or a curse?

 

Is divorce a gift or a curse?

I have been contemplating this particular topic ever since I got divorced in 2015. As a single woman in her sixties, I am grateful for the gift that my divorce has given me. Although it was not easy in the beginning, I have several reasons why I am thankful for it.

I can put my own needs first.

After going through the grieving process of my divorce and feeling rejected and alone, I made a decision to focus on the advantages of being single and free to do what I want. During my marriage, I spent most of my time and energy trying to please my spouse and children. Now, as a divorced woman, I can be more self-centered and prioritize my own needs.

It’s quite liberating to take care of yourself. After 28 years of marriage, I can now enjoy the freedom of eating what I like and when I like, going to bed when I want to, and not having to listen to snoring. I can choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity, travel whenever I feel like it, watch shows that I enjoy, do laundry for one, exercise at my own pace, spend time with my adult children when it’s mutually convenient, and finally call my friends and talk for as long as I want to without any disturbance. Let’s not forget that I have the freedom to date the men I want to date.

Here is my list of top self-care needs:

  1. Exercise: Since turning 25, exercise has become my addiction. Weight training and swimming are now part of my daily routine. I wrote an article on Pat Anderson’s blog, ‘A Fitness Minute’, about what exercise has done for me.
  2. Nutrition: I am interested in nutrition, health, fitness, and longevity. I often listen to podcasts on these topics, have watched an incredible documentary, “The Blue Zones,” on Netflix, and follow the Mediterranean diet.
  3. Travel: In the article I wrote about the benefits of traveling solo, I discovered small ship cruising with no single supplement, allowing me to have my own cabin and pay just for myself.
  4. Dating: You may be wondering why finding a compatible, fun, active man who also travels is on my list of top self-care needs. My answer: Why not? I’m still interested in meeting men.
  5. Netflix: I just had to put that in my top self-care needs as there are many great series and documentaries that both entertain, and teach me about history, space exploration, psychology, and more.
  6. A Sense of Purpose: I feel pressure to be productive instead of watching daytime TV, but why am I procrastinating with my second memoir?

I feel guilty (self-imposed and a waste of time) that I’m not writing my second memoir. You would think that with the number of podcasts, zooms, and Free Bootcamp informative courses offered by Hay House Publishing, I would finally get my butt into my chair and start writing, but “Oh no,” I must just listen to “Make it Happen” with Mel Robbins and she will motivate me to get my memoir writing project going. Have you ever found yourself downloading free workbooks to motivate you to start your project, and then realize you’re spending an inordinate number of hours answering questions but not getting any work done on your project? If so, you’re not the only one.

Having published my first memoir in 2012, I understand the commitment you have to make to get it done. I also remember the marketing side of publishing a book and I ask myself these questions:

Do I want to share my life online?

What if I receive a lot of negative feedback? Cruel comments can come from people who don’t even know me because they just want to be nasty.

When writing a book that appeals to readers, it’s important, to tell the truth and be vulnerable, share emotions, and, in my case, reveal the raw details of my marriage and the transformation that happened during my Peace Corps service teaching orphans and vulnerable children in a small village in the mountains of Lesotho, Africa.

That is the book I want to write; a memoir to help women who are grieving the loss of a relationship, feeling lonely, and unable to find a sense of purpose in their lives. I strongly believe that there is hope, and that being single – whether by choice, through the death of a loved one, or due to divorce – presents many opportunities to fall in love with the person you have become and will always have by your side.”

So, what do you think? Is divorce a gift or a curse? If you are single or divorced, please share your opinion in the comments below.

The Benefits of Traveling Solo

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Sonia on the Paul Gauguin sailing from Papeete to the Tuamotus and Society Islands

# 1 benefit of traveling solo:

I believe that traveling solo gets you out of your comfort zone and allows you to meet new people and forge new friendships.

You may disagree and say, “You meet new people even when you’re traveling with your partner,” but here’s the difference:

When you’re with your partner, you have someone next to you during meals, cocktails and excursions. In a way, it’s your “security blanket” and you don’t make as much effort to get to know other people as you would traveling solo.

Some solo travelers may feel uncomfortable being by themselves, however, a small ship (330 passengers) is ideal to get to know other passengers and crew members. After a couple of days you feel like you “belong” to a large family.

On my recent solo trip to French Polynesia, I met other solo travelers and several couples, and was able to have all my meals and evening cocktails with different people so I never felt alone or out of place.

Excursions also enabled me to meet other travelers while on my snorkeling trips, or cultural trips on various islands.

You even get to know the entertainers, “Les Gauguins and Les Gauguines,” on the Paul Gauguin ship

 

Air Tahiti Nui Flights are direct from Los Angeles to Tahiti

I did not realize how “close” this beautiful part of the world, French Polynesia is from Los Angeles. Only 7.5 to 8 hours of flight time, and as far as the time difference, it’s only 2 hours behind California time zone. So no jet lag for me, compared to Paris which is 9 hours ahead of LA.

Everything ran smoothly, and we landed at the Papeete airport at 5:30 a.m.  Greeted by Polynesian musicians at the airport, I quickly found the Paul Gauguin representative who took me and a small group of other passengers to the Intercontinental hotel.

I was unsure of what to do when I landed in Papeete so I took the pre and post tour package which included a day room, transfers to the ship and a meal at the hotel. I tried to rest for 30 minutes but couldn’t fall asleep, so I decided to swim in the infinity pool followed by fresh pineapple, mango, papaya and French cheeses and bread for breakfast.

Swimming pool at the Intercontinental Hotel in Papeete, Tahiti.

At 1 p.m. we were on a guided tour organized by Paul Gauguin to a very modern museum with ancient canoes and wood carvings followed by a visit to a sacred site still used today made of lava stones.

Around 3:30 p.m., the bus took us to the Paul Gauguin ship and registration was quick and easy. You just had to show your passport and your Covid (free) health form.

My room was on Deck 4, and so convenient for the excursion office and reception open 24/7 . The Marina was at the end of my corridor and I collected  my snorkel and fins right after confirming all my excursions.

Dinner on the first evening was with Linda, a solo traveler, Loic, the French guest lecturer from Brittany with a topic entitled “Paradoxical Paradise,” and Chuck, another solo traveler from Ventura, California.

I was exhausted from the night flight from LA, so went to bed early on my first evening.

Fakarava Island

We sailed to Fakarava island and I was happy to relax on the first day so I had breakfast and later, swam 50 “short” laps in the pool.

A free excursion was offered to those who wanted to snorkel at a local beach on the island. A tender  took us to a pier where we waited for a bus to take us to a beach for snorkeling. The water was warm but the coral and fish were not so abundant at this location. I was a little disappointed but that changed on the following day when I had the most beautiful snorkeling excursion.

In the evening, we had the singles cocktail reception with about 21 solo travelers, mostly women, but with a mix of French and English speakers. Fortunately I speak French, having lived in Paris for 15 years, so I could also mingle with French guests. Every announcement and lecture on the ship is offered in both languages.

Beautiful calm weather during the 10 days in January – February 2024

January 26, 2024

I ordered my coffee between 6-6:30 in my room and today was my first snorkeling excursion. We were taken by tender to our boat and had two guides to follow; one in front and another guide watching us from behind. I saw many black-tip shark and colorful fish. Parrot fish and many more, (wish I knew the names of all these colorful fish) even a giant eel hiding in a tunnel. The visibility was incredible and fortunately, the coral is unspoiled in this part of the world.

I joined my new friends, Sylvia and Dave and danced to Bruno Mars on the pool deck during cocktail hour with Mariechu, a talented singer and the musicians of the Sound Waves band.

My solo traveler friend Chuck had booked one of the two restaurants requiring a reservation for dinner at the French restaurant, La Veranda. The food was excellent, foie gras, fresh fish and French cheeses. The evening ended with the band playing at Salon 5, and Mariechu singing Whitney Houston and many other hits. Sylvia and I danced and had a fun evening on the ship.

My next blog post will cover the black pearls visit as well as the blue-eyed eels. I hope you enjoy!

Any comments are welcome.

 

 

 

 

Who wants to join me on the Paul Gauguin in Tahiti and Bora Bora?

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The Paul Gaugain ship

 

A few months ago, when I was having a difficult time dealing with the stress of mental illness with my son, I decided to book a trip. This is what I tend to do when I’m fed up, and need a break.

I have always been fascinated by the Paul Gauguin ship to Tahiti, Bora Bora and the Society islands of French Polynesia, so why not find out more about the ship.

I was curious if they offered “no single supplement” fares and was surprised to hear that they do offer cabins for solo singles travelling. Here is a recent list of their trips with no single supplement. I started my research watching You Tube videos describing the Paul Gauguin ship and the islands I’ll be visiting during my 10-day cruise.

The ship only has 330 guests and 209 crew members. It has 165 staterooms and suites and a spa and 3 restaurants. What I am looking forward to is the exclusivity, the all inclusive program, all drinks and tips are included and only the excursions are extra.

What’s included on the Paul Gauguin cruise?

  • All shipboard meals, in your choice of venues
  • Complimentary 24-hour room service
  • Complimentary beverages, including select wines and spirits, beers, soft drinks, bottled water, and hot beverages served throughout the ship
  • In-room refrigerator replenished daily with soft drinks, beer, and bottled water
  • All shipboard entertainment, including our troupe of Polynesian performers and live music in the evenings
  • Presentations by onboard experts, and select sailings feature guest hosts
  • Onboard gratuities for room stewards, dining and bar staff
  • Watersports, including complimentary kayaking and paddleboarding from our marina or destination beaches
  • Complimentary snorkel gear for use throughout the cruise
  • Use of our secluded, white-sand beach in Bora Bora*
  • A day on our private islet, Motu Mahana, off the coast of Taha’a, featuring snorkeling, watersports, a barbecue, full bar service, and Polynesian hospitality (on select voyages)
  • Complimentary Wi-Fi throughout the ship

Video explaining what to expect on a Paul Gaugain Cruise

So this morning I landed in Papeete, Tahiti, and this afternoon, I board the Paul Gauguin and will update you on my impressions. I hope you follow my adventure on this gorgeous ship.

Māuruuru, (Thank you.) Let me know what you’d like to find out in the comments section below.

Mental Illness and What I’ve Discovered

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Illustration of a mind
Schizophrenia: Mental Illness- NAMI.org

It’s no surprise that we are feeling overwhelmed with all the wars going on in the world, the surge of  mental illness among our youth, loneliness among the elderly, and global warming to name a few, we have to shift our mindset to being kind, and practicing gratitude in order to “survive!”

Mental Illness and What I’ve Discovered

People don’t normally talk about mental illness within their own family but since I’ve become open about my situation, I realize that nearly everyone knows someone, or has a family member, suffering from a mental illness.

When I realized how mental illness in a loved one can change your life, I asked: “Why Me?” It throws you of course and now I spend my time learning as much as I can about schizophrenia, a disease that afflicts 2.8 million adults in the U.S. This is not what I was planning at this stage of my life.

Not only is my son suffering from delusions and voices in his head, but I’m suffering from not being able to get through to him that he needs medication and help. If you’re not careful, stress can take over and we all know that stress is the root cause of so many health issues.

I find it difficult to focus on writing my second memoir as well as blogging. This post has been in draft mode for several months until today, when I said, “Enough! get moving and publish it!”

Who knows, I may be able to help someone who is going through the same problems as I am.

I have some links below that have been extremely helpful to me and maybe you or someone else you can share these with.

Where Can I Get Help on Mental Illness?

In case you are not familiar with ways to get help, I want to give you a valuable book, podcast and links that have enabled me to understand more about mental illness.

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has become my life saver. Our monthly support group helps me and other parents share the crises, traumas and occasional positive stories going on with our adult children. Our NAMI group leader has become my mentor and pillar when I need help.

I feel like I’ve been studying a new subject in college in order to understand schizophrenia and learn effective ways to speak to my son. Books such as: I’m not sick: I don’t need help, talk about the LEAP method.  Listening to podcasts like the one run by 3 moms of schizophrenic sons: 3 Moms in the Trenches on mental illness, has given me insight into what to expect.

Finally, for those of you who live in California, we have a new plan for schizophrenics called Care Court.

“CARE Court connects a person struggling with untreated mental illness – and often also substance use challenges – with a court-ordered Care Plan for up to 24 months. Each plan is managed by a care team in the community and can include clinically prescribed, individualized interventions with several supportive services, medication, and a housing plan. The client-centered approach also includes a public defender and supporter to help make self-directed care decisions in addition to their full clinical team.”

Practicing gratitude and kindness has saved me from negative thoughts.

Self-care, a new buzzword, is one of those important elements in taking care of yourself when you have to take care of a loved one with a mental illness. My way is to exercise, and swimming and weight training consistently allows my mind to rest.

Here is a list of ideas that I have taken to handle my stress

  • Exercise, exercise, exercise daily. Find something you can stick with and enjoy.
  • Join a support group. In my case, I joined NAMI, and we meet once a month to share our problems and seek help. They offer many educational zooms with professionals.
  • Join a spiritual or religious community. In my case, I’ve joined a spiritual center where I get a boost of positivity every Sunday, and have made several new friends.
  • Practice Gratitude daily. I’m a huge fan of Rhonda Byrne’s books and follow her “Law of Attraction,” and her MAGIC book for daily gratitude journaling.
  • Travel and reward yourself. In my case, I need to live my life, and travel always gives me joy and a fresh perspective.

Have a wonderful 2024

Please share your comments on the blog post.

 

 

 

Stop People Pleasing, Start Setting Boundaries

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Growing up, I discovered that people pleasing was the way to get people to like me.

I remember wanting to please my parents, so I was well-behaved, did my school work and said “yes” when I was asked to do something. I often received compliments from other parents saying, “What a sweet girl you are.” My mother would say she was proud of me.

People-pleasing was so ingrained in me from childhood that I wasn’t being true to myself. I had a hard time saying, “No” to requests, and even gave away a new outfit to my friend who said how much she liked it. I was a people-pleaser. I hated confrontations or hurting people’s feelings. This continued through adulthood and transferred into my relationships with men. I understand that men also suffer from people pleasing due to a “fear of rejection, insecurities, or the need to be well-liked.

What does it mean to be a people-pleaser?

Being a people-pleaser generally describes a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process. The most common signs are:

10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser

1. You Cannot Say “No”

You have a hard time saying no because you want to be accepted and liked by everyone. You think the best way to do that is by being overly agreeable.

2. You Feel Anxious About Others’ Opinions of You

This also stems from insecurity—you have fears about people perceiving you in a way you may not like, so you conform your behaviors to fit into a box even if you are not being true to yourself.

3. You Never Have “You” Time

You don’t schedule any kind of alone time or dedicated time for yourself so that you can always be available for others. Even if you do have time alone if you’re asked for something during that time you make yourself available immediately.

4. You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries

You feel as though others need you more than you need yourself, and you don’t set boundaries because you want to be helpful. You feel bad saying no to others, maybe because you have felt shamed for setting boundaries in the past.

5. You Apologize for Things You Don’t Need To

You feel as though you are responsible for other people’s feelings and reactions to everything, so you own things you don’t need to and make things your concern that doesn’t have anything to do with you.

6. You Need Constant Approval

You have a history of needing to get approval, so you people-please because of the validation you feel in the short term.

7. You Generally Don’t Share Your Feelings With Others

You are reluctant to share any feelings because you feel as though they don’t matter and other people’s issues are more pertinent.

8. You Have Low Self-Esteem

You have a history of anxiety, depression, trauma, or any kind of emotional or mental health concern that has led to low self-esteem or low self-worth. You look for external validation to fill the holes inside you that require internal work and validation.

9. You Always Agree in Order to Be Liked

You often say “yes” to be accepted and succumb to peer pressure. You feel like this will make people like and accept you.

10. You Fear Being Labeled “Selfish”

You are scared of being called selfish because that would mean that you’re putting your needs ahead of the needs of others.

What I’m working on to heal my people-pleasing tendencies

Today, I’m struggling with #4 (setting healthy boundaries.) I’m finding it easier to set healthy boundaries with men who are pushy and don’t show respect. The difficulty comes when I want to be honest, but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. Healthy boundaries are essential to women to protect ourselves, especially when dating or traveling solo. My next trip is to Croatia with a small group of 20 people. I don’t for see any problems as we have a guide escorting us, and I’ll be able to focus on meeting other like-minded travelers.

What do we mean by healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are the limits we place around our time, our emotions, our body, and our mental health to avoid being controlled, manipulated or drained by others. We want to stay true to who we are and protect ourselves.

Are you a people pleaser? Have you mastered the art of setting boundaries? Please share your comments below.

 

 

 

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