Is Divorce a Gift or a Curse?

April 22, 2024 by Sonia Marsh 4 Comments

Is divorce a gift or a curse?

I have been contemplating this particular topic ever since I got divorced in 2015. As a single woman in her sixties, I am grateful for the gift that my divorce has given me. Although it was not easy in the beginning, I have several reasons why I am thankful for it.

I can put my own needs first.

After going through the grieving process of my divorce and feeling rejected and alone, I made a decision to focus on the advantages of being single and free to do what I want. During my marriage, I spent most of my time and energy trying to please my spouse and children. Now, as a divorced woman, I can be more self-centered and prioritize my own needs.

It’s quite liberating to take care of yourself. After 28 years of marriage, I can now enjoy the freedom of eating what I like and when I like, going to bed when I want to, and not having to listen to snoring. I can choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity, travel whenever I feel like it, watch shows that I enjoy, do laundry for one, exercise at my own pace, spend time with my adult children when it’s mutually convenient, and finally call my friends and talk for as long as I want to without any disturbance. Let’s not forget that I have the freedom to date the men I want to date.

Here is my list of top self-care needs:

Exercise: Since turning 25, exercise has become my addiction. Weight training and swimming are now part of my daily routine. I wrote an article on Pat Anderson’s blog, ‘A Fitness Minute’, about what exercise has done for me.
Nutrition: I am interested in nutrition, health, fitness, and longevity. I often listen to podcasts on these topics, have watched an incredible documentary, “The Blue Zones,” on Netflix, and follow the Mediterranean diet.
Travel: In the article I wrote about the benefits of traveling solo, I discovered small ship cruising with no single supplement, allowing me to have my own cabin and pay just for myself.
Dating: You may be wondering why finding a compatible, fun, active man who also travels is on my list of top self-care needs. My answer: Why not? I’m still interested in meeting men.
Netflix: I just had to put that in my top self-care needs as there are many great series and documentaries that both entertain, and teach me about history, space exploration, psychology, and more.
A Sense of Purpose: I feel pressure to be productive instead of watching daytime TV, but why am I procrastinating with my second memoir?

I feel guilty (self-imposed and a waste of time) that I’m not writing my second memoir. You would think that with the number of podcasts, zooms, and Free Bootcamp informative courses offered by Hay House Publishing, I would finally get my butt into my chair and start writing, but “Oh no,” I must just listen to “Make it Happen” with Mel Robbins and she will motivate me to get my memoir writing project going. Have you ever found yourself downloading free workbooks to motivate you to start your project, and then realize you’re spending an inordinate number of hours answering questions but not getting any work done on your project? If so, you’re not the only one.

Having published my first memoir in 2012, I understand the commitment you have to make to get it done. I also remember the marketing side of publishing a book and I ask myself these questions:

Do I want to share my life online?

What if I receive a lot of negative feedback? Cruel comments can come from people who don’t even know me because they just want to be nasty.

When writing a book that appeals to readers, it’s important, to tell the truth and be vulnerable, share emotions, and, in my case, reveal the raw details of my marriage and the transformation that happened during my Peace Corps service teaching orphans and vulnerable children in a small village in the mountains of Lesotho, Africa.

That is the book I want to write; a memoir to help women who are grieving the loss of a relationship, feeling lonely, and unable to find a sense of purpose in their lives. I strongly believe that there is hope, and that being single – whether by choice, through the death of a loved one, or due to divorce – presents many opportunities to fall in love with the person you have become and will always have by your side.”

So, what do you think? Is divorce a gift or a curse? If you are single or divorced, please share your opinion in the comments below.

“My Gutsy Story” by Cheryl Stahle

December 19, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

Just Another Religious Festival

“OK”. And with that one word, my 15 year marriage ended. We had both given up so there were no fights or last hurrahs to save our union. I wanted our son. Done. He wanted his pension. OK. We actually negotiated the division of property at Starbucks over lattes. Dutch treat!

It doesn’t get any better than that for a friendly divorce.

However, I had spent the previous 15 years as an ice hockey mom and school teacher for at-risk teens. For this 70s throwback of peace, love, rock and roll, violence didn’t fit with my belief system; however, circumstances dropped it into my lap daily both at home and at school. Along the way I disappeared while serving the needs of everyone else. I couldn’t even remember what I enjoyed doing and I didn’t know where to start in creating Cheryl Version 2.0, middle aged edition.

Slowly I experienced rebirth, dabbled in online dating (just don’t!), raised an amazing son and developed deep interests in yoga, reading and writing. My regular haunts included Starbucks, yoga studios and bookstores. Not exactly the life of a thrill-seeker but joy appeared in subtle ways through the perfect backbend or a well written novel devoured over a latte and cookie. I was restless though. After so many years living in ice rinks and never taking a vacation I had to blow off some steam and this lovely life I had created did not include adventure.

Three weeks. That became my gift of time and for once in my adult life, I had freedom. Throw caution to the wind, this was a childless adventure. My friends thought I’d head to the shore with a stack of books when I shared the news of a getaway. Not this time.

The Festival of San Fermin! That’s where I chose to go so I planned a vacation around that religious holiday. Traveling to the major cities of Spain introduced me to centuries old neighborhoods, gothic cathedrals, and fabulous museums. I soaked it all in while spending siesta time sitting in plazas drinking cava. Three weeks. Time for me. And for kicks, I went alone and did not activate international cell phone service. No one to tell me when to get up, what to eat for dinner, or how to spend the days.

I enjoyed 2 glorious weeks traveling throughout Spain with my camera in hand. I wandered through street markets, toured museums and palaces and chose to view only masterpieces at the Prado. I even crashed a wedding reception. Why not? No one really knew what I was doing but me. I enjoyed freedom for the first time.

Did I mention that the Festival of San Fermin is more commonly called the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona? I didn’t tell too many people from home either. I certainly didn’t tell my mother what adventure awaited me. My guess was that wouldn’t go over too well.

Cheryl Stahle in Pamplona and the bulls — The bulls in Pamplona

A train ride later, I entered the tiny village of Pamplona. The annual kickoff food fight had fortunately already ended by the time I settled into my hotel but the partying had just begun. I began to realize that my standard glass of wine was not going to be the norm for the next few days.

Mardi Gras looked tame compared to Pamplona during the festival. Dressed in obligatory whites with red sash and scarf, I elbowed my way through the crowds to enter the streets. Once there, African conga drums played, strangers pulled me into their arms to dance in the street and mimes entertained all. Music poured forth from stores and vendors filled the streets selling t-shirts and flags. The streets provided sensory overload but once I got into a rhythm, the crowds became invisible. Callemucho . The drink of San Fermin poured freely usually by flask or 2 gallon jug.

Cheryl Stahle in Pamplona — Cheryl Stahl in Pamplona

After a night of partying and no sleep, the actual festival began. Fueled with over a decade of pent up energy, I chanted “let ‘em loose” in my mind. Catch me if you can. But I’m not quite as foolhardy as it appears.

First, most of the people running had imbibed for at least 24 hours. I chose to toss back just one flask of Callemucho (cheap wine and soda). Juts for courage I thought but my balance remained rock solid. Next, a plan. I wasn’t about to run on a cobblestone street the width of a standard American alley full of drunks without knowing the lay of the land. I watched the first day, safely ensconced on a balcony two stories above bull level.

Day 2 however I joined the crowd in the street. My earlier reconnaissance showed that the end of the run was safer as there were fewer people (still packed shoulder to shoulder), a bit more space on the street and a fence to leap over should the need arise. So that’s where I planned the start of my run.

I heard the shot indicating that the bulls had left their pens, waited my 17 seconds for them to arrive, and then hit the street. There they were, 10 agitated, magnificent 2000 pound beasts and me soaking wet at 115 pounds. This sister ran fast, smelled their musky odor as they swept by and breathed a sigh of relief as I choked on their dust when they roared past. My 2 seconds of glory. Not trampled, not hurt and only a slight glow of perspiration on my brow. I ran with the bulls. Feel my power now people!

This single mom can do anything these days. When life gets tough or when I’m feeling a bit beaten up, I don my red sash from Pamplona, look at the photos I took of the bulls on my desk and smile. I found my inner courage again. I’m getting to know myself too. Life’s not so bad as Version 2.0.

Cheryl Stahle, memoirist, author and founder ofYour Best Writing Group (www.yourbestwritinggroup.com) lives in Doylestown, PA with her son. Cheryl consults with aspiring authors to guide them in telling their life stories. She has a special interest in working with adoptive families as an adoptive parent herself.

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Thank you Cheryl for giving women the courage to do something so unique and spectacular for themselves. I am a firm believer that when you get out of your comfort zone, you get that special feeling that you can accomplish anything in your life and you are a perfect example of this.

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Do you have a “My Gutsy Story”?

To submit your own, “My Gutsy Story” you can find all the information, and our sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story” contest page. (NEW VIDEO) Submission guidelines here.

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Jill Fales, winner of our first “My Gutsy Story” contest, picked the following prize:

Spectrum Specialties and Awards just joined on 11/2/11 with a wonderful prize: 1000 14pt business cards with UV coating, full color process, & double sided print. I am so thrilled as I know they do quality work.

Rhonda Hayes, came in second. Since she was the first to submit her story and since this was the first contest, she also won a prize and selected a chapter critique from Angela Ackerman..

Angela Ackerman offered two choices: a first chapter critique or a blog consultation offering her expertise on your blog layout, content, etc and offer advice on tweaking it to improve, draw in visitors, increase visibility, etc. Winner can choose which would benefit them more. Angela and Becca have put together the most helpful blog for writers called The Bookshelf Muse.Check out their emotional thesaurus, weather thesaurus and so much more to help writers.
Angela Ackerman

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Voting for your favorite December “My Gutsy Story” starts on January 1st-January 11th. The December winner will be announced on Thursday January 12th.

Please leave your comments for Cheryl below.

Are women divorcing for frivolous reasons?

September 5, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

Marriage takes work, lots of work, especially if you want it to last, and these days women are getting divorced not because of infidelity, but because of boredom.

In the article, “Women and Divorce: Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…” it seems that women are questioning if there isn’t “something more” to life and end up walking out even with a decent husband. Why is that?

Are women becoming more selfish?
Can we blame books like Eat, Pray, Love?
Are women going through a new kind of mid-life crisis?
Have women become narcissistic ignoring their vows, “Until death us do part”?

Apparently 7 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women, and the numbers are soaring among the over-45s, with break-ups in that age bracket increasing by 30 per cent in a decade. Writer Fay Weldon recently said:

“Women in their fifties instigate divorce because they are bored and want to be free and single again, not because they want the emotional and sexual excitement of another man.” They’re encouraged by a recent vogue of ‘finding-yourself” literature, headed by the international best-seller Eat, Pray, Love, which recounted author Elizabeth Gilbert’s decision to divorce her husband and embark on a round-the-world odyssey of– depending on your view – inspirational self-discovery or nauseating navel-gazing.”

Julia Llewellyn Smith, gives the example of Lucy Valantine who, as she approached her 40th birthday, decided to leave her husband after a short five-year marriage.

“On the surface, life was perfect,” she says. “We had a gorgeous Victorian house in the Home Counties, I had a great job with a blue-chip company, and my husband was a lovely chap. He was kind and gentle and my friends all loved him. There was nothing wrong with him, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to change my life.”

Her husband was devastated when she left him, and in what sounds like a mid-life crisis, or perhaps a rebellious phase, she decided to:

Get a tattoo
Buy a Harley-Davidson motorbike
Ride across Australia and New Zealand
Teach English in Costa Rica and China
Work in a Zambian orphanage
Travel through Siberia and Mongolia.

Now, six years later, Valantine divides her life between the UK and Spain, where she runs a travel agency. Her ex-husband is happily remarried with a baby.

Just like Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about spending nights sobbing on her bathroom floor in her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, Valantine did the same though for opposite reasons. While Gilbert questioned whether she still loved her husband, Valantine questioned whether she did the right thing in leaving her husband.

Julia Llewellyn Smith, author of “Women and Divorce: Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…” states,

“Fifty years ago, a woman such as Valantine would have been rare indeed. Divorce was taboo and few women had the guts, let alone the financial means, to brave the social stigma of walking out on a decent husband simply because she felt there must be “something more”. Until recently, with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, the most commonly cited reason was infidelity.”

This desire for women to do what they want, to live a more fulfilled and exciting life is something I myself am experiencing today. Just like Valantine, I have a strong desire to teach English abroad, perhaps in Laos or Vietnam, to travel to Australia and New Zealand, to help children in Africa. You can keep the tattoos and Harley Davidson though. The good news is I’m not leaving my husband. He knows I’m always dreaming of new ways for us to do exciting things in life, and I know we shall within the next five to ten years.

What I find interesting is the new trend among baby boomers who are retired to go in different directions. This doesn’t mean they divorce, but simply that they allow one another to pursue their dreams. ABC shows this new trend in a video, “Together but Apart.” My friend Bob Lowry from Satisfying Retirement has a different opinion on this matter in his post “This Can’t be the Answer.”

So I believe that all relationships, however good, go through bad patches. There will be times when you drift apart and you need to find a way to reconnect. The difference is those who stick it out, who manage to live their passions together, and who don’t stop their spouse from experiencing a new opportunity just because, “they’re not interested,” will survive.

As with anything, marriage is about give and take and also about being flexible. It should not feel like letting go of your dreams just because your spouse has no interest. Who wants to feel imprisoned?

Do you think women are changing? If so how and why?

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