Marriage takes work, lots of work, especially if you want it to last, and these days women are getting divorced not because of infidelity, but because of boredom.
In the article, “Women and Divorce: Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…” it seems that women are questioning if there isn’t “something more” to life and end up walking out even with a decent husband. Why is that?
- Are women becoming more selfish?
- Can we blame books like Eat, Pray, Love?
- Are women going through a new kind of mid-life crisis?
- Have women become narcissistic ignoring their vows, “Until death us do part”?
Apparently 7 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women, and the numbers are soaring among the over-45s, with break-ups in that age bracket increasing by 30 per cent in a decade. Writer Fay Weldon recently said:
“Women in their fifties instigate divorce because they are bored and want to be free and single again, not because they want the emotional and sexual excitement of another man.” They’re encouraged by a recent vogue of ‘finding-yourself” literature, headed by the international best-seller Eat, Pray, Love, which recounted author Elizabeth Gilbert’s decision to divorce her husband and embark on a round-the-world odyssey of– depending on your view – inspirational self-discovery or nauseating navel-gazing.”
Julia Llewellyn Smith, gives the example of Lucy Valantine who, as she approached her 40th birthday, decided to leave her husband after a short five-year marriage.
“On the surface, life was perfect,” she says. “We had a gorgeous Victorian house in the Home Counties, I had a great job with a blue-chip company, and my husband was a lovely chap. He was kind and gentle and my friends all loved him. There was nothing wrong with him, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to change my life.”
Her husband was devastated when she left him, and in what sounds like a mid-life crisis, or perhaps a rebellious phase, she decided to:
- Get a tattoo
- Buy a Harley-Davidson motorbike
- Ride across Australia and New Zealand
- Teach English in Costa Rica and China
- Work in a Zambian orphanage
- Travel through Siberia and Mongolia.
Now, six years later, Valantine divides her life between the UK and Spain, where she runs a travel agency. Her ex-husband is happily remarried with a baby.
Just like Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about spending nights sobbing on her bathroom floor in her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, Valantine did the same though for opposite reasons. While Gilbert questioned whether she still loved her husband, Valantine questioned whether she did the right thing in leaving her husband.
Julia Llewellyn Smith, author of “Women and Divorce: Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…” states,
“Fifty years ago, a woman such as Valantine would have been rare indeed. Divorce was taboo and few women had the guts, let alone the financial means, to brave the social stigma of walking out on a decent husband simply because she felt there must be “something more”. Until recently, with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, the most commonly cited reason was infidelity.”
This desire for women to do what they want, to live a more fulfilled and exciting life is something I myself am experiencing today. Just like Valantine, I have a strong desire to teach English abroad, perhaps in Laos or Vietnam, to travel to Australia and New Zealand, to help children in Africa. You can keep the tattoos and Harley Davidson though. The good news is I’m not leaving my husband. He knows I’m always dreaming of new ways for us to do exciting things in life, and I know we shall within the next five to ten years.
What I find interesting is the new trend among baby boomers who are retired to go in different directions. This doesn’t mean they divorce, but simply that they allow one another to pursue their dreams. ABC shows this new trend in a video, “Together but Apart.” My friend Bob Lowry from Satisfying Retirement has a different opinion on this matter in his post “This Can’t be the Answer.”
So I believe that all relationships, however good, go through bad patches. There will be times when you drift apart and you need to find a way to reconnect. The difference is those who stick it out, who manage to live their passions together, and who don’t stop their spouse from experiencing a new opportunity just because, “they’re not interested,” will survive.
As with anything, marriage is about give and take and also about being flexible. It should not feel like letting go of your dreams just because your spouse has no interest. Who wants to feel imprisoned?
Do you think women are changing? If so how and why?
Fascinating subject. I didn’t realize this was a new trend, but I can understand it.
I put my dreams and desires on the back burner while my husband followed his career path. Now I’m finally feeling as if I’m on my way (better late than never) and if he chose not to ride this out with me I would leave.
A girl can only give and give so much.
b
I hear you Barbara. You’re an ambitious woman and you’ll get there. Any plans to live in other states or countries?
I see things very differently. I am 40 and two women very close to me are being divorced by bored husbands who are tired of dealing with raising kids and paying the mortgage. In one case, it is even more devastating because both children involved have special needs. I am trying to keep my own dreams bubbling a little on the back burner during these busy working soccer mom days, but I certainly wouldn’t pitch my hard-working hubby just because he’s not into all the same things I am. If anything, he’s the one trying to get me to travel more.
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Christine.
Yes you bring up the opposite side of husbands who are bored with their family life. I’m sorry for your friends. I have read that having a “special needs” kid often leads to parents divorcing, and have also seen that happen.
As you can tell, I’m a huge fan of travel, especially to get away from everyday life and to change one’s outlook on the world. Kids benefit tremendously from seeing the world too. I know it benefited my three sons.
Yes, of course travel is enriching for children as well. But all this talk of self-fulfillment and enrichment is the luxury of the upper middle to upper classes. Most regular people are lucky to afford a roof over their head and enough gas to “travel” to work every day. It just floors me.
I’ve lived in Africa, and Europe for 25 years and the US for 28, and I think it depends on your priorities. I know many who prefer to drive an expensive car here in the U.S, like a Mercedes, and who rent a one-bedroom apartment. So I’m sorry to disagree, it all depends on what’s important to you. In Belize, so many lived on their social security checks and this was where they could afford health care. So moving to another part of the world, is not for the upper middle classes, but for those who want a simple life.
P.S. I absolutely feel that husbands deserve the same unconditional commitment from us that we expect from them.
Very true.
My wife talks about her first marriage where she was a stay-at-home-mom. By mid morning she had all the housecleaning and meal preparation done. She became bored with it quickly and found a job and day care for her toddler so she could find work, for no other reason than to do something productive. By the way, my wife chaffs loudly when she hears these politically-correct statements by Oprah, and their ilk about motherhood being a full-time (or even a double-time) job.
I think if a woman is her own person rather than her identity being defined as being “someone’s wife”, then there is greater support to being in a true “partnership”. My wife and I support each others endeavors and share in individual successes and even failures. If you AND YOUR PARTNER find ways to make your lives rich and fulfilling, you may not need to Zambia to teach school.
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I think many of these women who say they find their husbands boring are not stay-at-home moms. They have their own identity already and perhaps traveling, experiencing, and volunteering in other less-privileged parts of the world is extremely rewarding. We all have different definitions of “rich and rewarding.” Of course you can stay in your home environment and help too, but there are certain people, including my 86-year-old dad, who never grow tired of new places, people and cultures.
I am happy that women are no longer bound to abusive/boring marriages, but I fear that women might abandon a good marriage because they are bored with life in general. Twenty years in a relationship is worth sticking out a little while longer.
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Brenda,
Abusive and boring are very different. I agree that boring could be related to the a woman bored with her own life. But it could also be a woman married to someone who might not want to get out their comfort zone and try new things. I am interviewing Robert MacPhee on, “How to get out of your comfort zone,” on September 22nd. If you know anyone who has a specific question on this, please send them over to call Robert MacPhee. More information will be posted on my blog, September 19th
I don’t think women are changing that much, but I do think that the reason people don’t stick it out together has a lot to do with expectations and perception. Unrealistic expectations bring disappointments, and if women expect perfect men (as one example, they’re going to be disappointed, that brings disattisfaction and so on. Perception has to do with how you see a marriage. Why should being married mean you can’t travel or do other things you want to do? I’m a baby boomer and I have friends who stay married but do their own thing. They remain good friends and will do until the day they die, but they live their own lives.
Another lover on the scene is what makes the difference though. When you want to live with someone else, then it’s divorce time.
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Tahlia, Good to see you here. So I’m curious now. How much apart are these couples who do their own thing like traveling etc. A few months? A year?
Good subject, Sonia, and great replies. Marriage changes like everything else in a culture. The role of men and women have changed a lot in the last decades and so have the dynamics in relationships. Women are now so much more independent, having their own jobs and ways to survive financially, which opens up a whole new way of thinking and creating new ways of “being together.”
It takes the right partner and the right kind of “investment” in communication and valuing your partner’s personality and interests to make a marriage or love relationship good for the long haul.
In the end we are all responsible for our own choices and decisions. Marriage is a big one. It would be really good if you can pick the right partner and you both make the decision to do what it takes not get bored, except maybe now and again for a little while ;).
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Yes, I’m sure the changes in women’s roles contributes towards this more independent thinking, however, I do think it’s interesting that even “older” women during retirement years say, “I’m going to do what I feel like doing even if you don’t want to.” The ABC video shows examples of that.
Here still the main reason of divorces is alcohol, violence and having a lover, being bored? Maybe, but it is not so popular:)
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You bring up an interesting point since you live in Eastern Europe, and the “bored” women are probably more from North America and Western Europe.
Excellent article and as usual, you asked a fascinating and insightful question, one that probably has multiple correct answers.
I tend to think that older people are not getting divorced for frivolous reasons or because hubby has become boring/dull. More likely, unless they are under 40, they were married at a time when marriage was considered the best/usual thing to do, pregnancy, and/or as a result of parental/social pressure.
I believe that marriage is right for about 50% (rough estimate) of the population, while the other 50% are much better off single and doing our own thing. I realized that when I was 32 and a successful career woman, which may have contributed to my decision. However, my ex-husband, who remarried several years later, is still one of my best friends.
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I guess that men have been leading much more independent lives during their marriages while women have been at home with the kids, so now they feel as if it’s their turn?
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