As a mother, there were times when I asked myself: “What did I do wrong?”
When my oldest son turned nine, I saw signs of defiance; he didn’t respect me. I thought that by staying home, and sacrificing my own career, my three sons would turn out polite, compassionate and well behaved. After all, they had a loving home environment. But was I too soft? Would my son have treated me differently had I been a working mom? Would he have shown me more respect had I put him in daycare?
All these questions have spun around my head while I’ve been revising my memoir, about a mother wanting to heal her family and moving to Belize, where after many trials and tribulations, her family comes together.
For years, parents have been made to believe that a problem child is their fault. Now it seems, mental health professionals have reached a different conclusion.
In a recent New York Times article, “Accepting That Good Parents May Plant Bad Seeds,” by Richard A. Friedman M.D. I came across a mother of three sons, who asked the same question as me, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong?” about her rude and defiant oldest son. After testing, the son showed no signs of any learning disability or mental illness. In fact he tested in the intellectually superior range. Like this woman, her other sons were well-adjusted boys. So the therapist asked the question, “If the young man (17-years-old) did not suffer from any demonstrable psychiatric disorder, just what was his problem?” Dr. Friedman admits his answer may sound heretical, especially coming from a psychiatrist, “But maybe this young man was just not a nice person.” He continues, “While I do not mean to let bad parents off the hook…the fact remains that perfectly decent parents can produce toxic children.”
This is a new way of thinking of problem children, and “there is little, if anything, in peer-reviewed journals about the paradox of good parents with toxic children,” Dr. Friedman says.
In his summary, Dr. Friedman states, “For better or worse, parents have limited power to influence their children. That is why they should not be so fast to take all the blame–or credit–for everything that their children become.”
I would urge you to send the article to anyone who may be going through a rough time raising their kids, as it may help them stop blaming themselves.
I agree on this completely. It explains how two people can raise their kids in the same way and have totally different individuals. Great post!
Are you on blogfrog? There are many mom's there that would probably love this!
You are asking good questions. I'm hesitant to label people as "bad," but there are certainly some people out there who act in terrible ways, some in history who have been monsters and evil. Most people don't fall into those categories. There are "bad" parents and bad parenting, but sometimes children have problems of their own creation. Sometimes we each have to take responsibility for our lives, teenagers as well as adults. Maybe we have to allow kids to learn to take responsibility? We all know people from good families who grow unpleasant ("bad") people.
Wondering what you think of taking responsibility for personal actions? kids, adults teens. This is a question that I've been considering, and I think you have experienced this as a parent. It's easy to blame others for problems–individuals do it; groups do it; nations do it. It's more difficult to assume responsibility.
You know, I am from the old school of parenting. I do believe that a few children are just born evil or without a heart or without a conscience. But, very few….very, very few.
A parent has to do the best that they can from the time they even think of having offspring. For us, that meant paying attention, being consistent, listening, and putting that child ahead of all else in your lives…even each other.
There were very few things that we insisted on from the moment the children were born. But the few things that we did insist on were rigorously enforced and if not adhered to, the consequences paid were swift and appropriate to the situation. For instance, no lying, respect for others and their property, dinner together as a family (even is it was only 15 minutes, at least it was 15 minutes that we were a family during each day), speak when spoken to, not just one grunt answers or comments. Things like that.
It is not easy to raise children….I imagine these days much harder than 20 years ago….or even ten. I think children don't really "get it" about life and living and taking care of themselves and being safe and really having empathy and sympathy for others until they are well into their 20's. But when they do, one can relax just a little. But, it is still the hardest job in the world and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
You know, I am from the old school of parenting. I do believe that a few children are just born evil or without a heart or without a conscience. But, very few….very, very few.
A parent has to do the best that they can from the time they even think of having offspring. For us, that meant paying attention, being consistent, listening, and putting that child ahead of all else in your lives…even each other.
There were very few things that we insisted on from the moment the children were born. But the few things that we did insist on were rigorously enforced and if not adhered to, the consequences paid were swift and appropriate to the situation. For instance, no lying, respect for others and their property, dinner together as a family (even is it was only 15 minutes, at least it was 15 minutes that we were a family during each day), speak when spoken to, not just one grunt answers or comments. Things like that.
It is not easy to raise children….I imagine these days much harder than 20 years ago….or even ten. I think children don't really "get it" about life and living and taking care of themselves and being safe and really having empathy and sympathy for others until they are well into their 20's. But when they do, one can relax just a little. But, it is still the hardest job in the world and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
@Barbara
Thanks for your comment Barbara. I am on Blogfrog and seem to be having trouble finding the right communities. Any advice is appreciated.
@Cora
The article I mentioned by Dr.Friedman explains the latest about parenting and defiant kids really well. I wrote about being teaching your kids to be responsible for their actions from a young age. That I think is essential to growing up as an independent and functioning member of society.
I do not tend to take the credit at all but I do take a lot of the blame. In the same time, I do realize that my child has a personality that is different than mine, that is something I cannot control or change much, but just teach her and myself how to understand it and deal with it. Parenting is a tough, tough job.
My motto as a parent has for a long time been "Don't take blame and don't take credit, just do the best you can do".
By the time our two finished high school, they were radically different from the way they had been before they started school.
Makes me wonder.
Do you have ANY idea how many times I've blamed myself for being a bad parent and making my child a bad child? This post has turned my world upside down, thank you. My child isn't bad, by the way, she's just INTENSE and difficult and different. I can't blame myself for these things in her. She is who she is.
@done
Thanks for your comment. It sounds like you have raised your kids in the right framework. Yes, it is hard to be a parent. I also believe it never ends, because no matter what age your kids are, you still worry about them.
@Lori
Funny how our kids can have such different personalities.
@Jeanie
Great motto.
@Rob-bear
Does that mean better, or worse? Just curious.
@Michelle
I am very happy this helped. I think we all blame ourselves. I know I (do) did.
Thanks for the interesting article. I supose parents have been beating themselves up for centuries about the way their kids have matured and reached for adulthood. Realizing you don't have to take on the blame is liberating. Children are their own beings, not some mirror of ourselves. It's sometimes hard to see that but we do need to understand and give ourselves a break.
Nick
This is fascinating. I know someone very close who will be comforted by this.
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Nan
@Nick
Thanks for finding me via BlogFrog. Very good advice about children being who they are and not a mirror of us. Thanks.
@LadyFi
Glad this might help.
@Nan
Thanks for joining. I shall be over.
Love this post and the article! What affect, in your experience, does the behavior of the defiant (or difficult, or challenging, etc.) child have on that of your other children?
@Joanna
That is a great question and you gave me an idea for my next post on Thursday. Can you wait? If not, I can e-mail you separately. Mine is:
agutsywriter@gmail.com
I'm starting to believe that idea after seeing a few of my very good friends produce pretty nasty kids. Unfortunately the moms always feel so guilty.
There is a continuum that cannot be pegged on a single factor. Genetics, parental and peer influence, and changes on brain chemistry, far too many variables to put one's finger on a cause.
I know that our kids personalities as adults were similar to theirs when they were very young. Outgoing or circumspect, humorous or focused. Unless the parent has serous personality disorders of their own which influence a child, largely the parent does not mold a child's development out of soft clay.
But spending time on "where did I go wrong" is an effort in futility. All you can do is lead by example and be supportive. We sometimes forget that even our children have the right to the life they choose, even if it is not the one that we might have wanted for them.
Oh Thank Gaud, finally attempting to dispell the influence of Nurture (parents) over Nature (DNA). During the course of m career I had to meet far too many guilt-reidden parents who had done everything they could and still had a bad seed. It was sad.
I believe in most of what the article suggests, though I winced at the use of the word "toxic". I also find it difficult to swallow suggesting that some "people" are just not nice when referring to children (kids under 18 or 20). These are formative years and I worry that labeling a kid early on as difficult or not nice doesn't just make it all worse.
I admire parents who recognize a problem and take steps to try to make things better…that's what makes remarkable parents!
Great post!
I agree with the other commentators, that there actually are FEW bad children who can not be changed through good and caring parenting. There is no blueprint for parenting, nor are there identical personalities – even among identical twins.
The personality is inborn, but conditions in their environment may result in changes to that personality, good or bad, from parenting to teachers to friends and neighborhoods.
We can only hope that even though a child is difficult, especially during adolescence, they will outgrow most of their issues and insecurities (sometimes outside help is needed) and become the adult you had tried to form by good parenting.
I am not sure if it is your fault your son is acting up and being disrespectful. I think it has lot to do with a lot of things. I think your displine has everthing to do with it. I ahve some of those issues with my oldest one. I went back to displine. I think you have to be firm no wavering. I think you have to nikp it in the bud before he is a teen or you will have problem and so will everone else.
Do not beat yourself up. The first kid is trial and error. LOL. When my youngest tries to smell himself I put him in his place. He knows I am the boss and he is the kid.
Before I had kids, I would have disagreed with this "expert". After being a parent of two special needs kids, I've learned that it's totally possible for 2 caring and loving parents to raise "difficult" kids. It's always easy to point fingers and accuse but that approach isn't helpful to anyone!
Ummmm,
I understand what you are saying but I am uncomfortable with the label 'difficult child'. All children are essentially good but sometimes they display difficult behaviour. I do not believe that any child is born evil and it is us as parent's and adults who need to see within each and every child to bring out their innate goodness. As parent's we all have the power to do this we just need the tools and understanding.
Having 4 children ,I am still the same person , the same mothering skills and each of my children are different.All people are different ,personalities and how they act.
I have to laugh when some parents act as if they have the perfect child because I have yet to see one!! LOL
Thank you so much for this. I am grappling with this same issue and was just talking to another mom about this yesterday. For me, it's my younger son. And he has been tested a couple of times and seems to be borderline ADHD, but not diagnosable. Sometimes it gets very hard because people see my son's behavior and even how he acts towards me in public and they look at me like I'm doing something wrong – like I must not be disciplining him enough. But they don't see the whole picture. They don't see the day-to-day struggles and also the good times. I get exhausted and feel a bit defeated sometimes.
I just wanted to say that we have to give our kids time to "Grow up" as well! I know that I used to say that my oldest son was self centered and I didn't expect him to grow out of it! He is a charming 22 year old and I feel so guilty for thinking that!