Why I Quit Dating Apps at 68—And My 35-Year-Old Son Has the Same Problem

April 30, 2026 by Sonia Marsh Leave a Comment

I quit dating apps—and oddly enough, my 35-year-old son and I are in the exact same boat. He has women lining up, I’m attracting men 10–17 years older who need a caregiver, and yet… neither of us is finding what we actually want. So what’s going on here?

Why I’ve Stepped Away from Dating Apps

I have quit dating apps for a while for two reasons: one, no luck, and two, people keep telling me that you meet someone when you least expect it.

The Surprising Truth: My Son and I Have the Same Dating Problems

What I find so interesting about online dating is that my 35-year-old son is having the same issues as me.

We’ve actually become quite close as mother and son, sharing dating stories. The main difference? He has no problem getting dates, while I’m only getting a few dates with older men who have health issues.

The Dating Imbalance: Age, Attraction, and Expectations

My son is a doctor who makes a good living and is 6’4” tall, so women flock to him. Listening to dating podcasts, he fits into that tiny fraction of men who are young, tall, and financially successful.

I, on the other hand, fall into the category of mature women who can only seem to find men 10–20 years older than me—men who often need a woman to take care of them.

This feels unfair, especially since I’m thin, active, intelligent, and fully capable of taking care of myself.

The Real Issue: Avoidant Attachment Style

So what’s the problem for both my son and me? Are we both too picky? Isn’t chemistry important?

During our phone conversations, we’ve realized that we are both “avoidants.” This comes from attachment theory (I’ve included a quick YouTube link if you want to explore it further).

Basically, we are not the clingy type. We’re independent and tend to have our guard up—at least I know I do. We don’t easily show physical affection unless there’s real chemistry.

In other words, we’re picky. And maybe a bit naïve in believing there’s someone out there who meets at least 95% of our criteria. Listening to podcasts on relationships and dating, I’ve come to the conclusion that we look at photos of men, (in my case) and women, (in my son’s case) as products. It’s become online shopping for a partner, just like shopping on Amazon, but without the reviews.

Chemistry vs. Companionship

Intellectually, I understand that perfection doesn’t exist—and I’m certainly not perfect either.

But at this stage of my life, I’m not willing to be with a man I’m not attracted to despite what relationship coaches tell us. “You can grow to fall in love with someone’s personality.” Well, I’m sorry, I need to be attracted to the man physically as well.

I work hard to stay fit, healthy and to keep learning. I travel, build friendships, host gatherings, and genuinely love who I am.

I’m tired of hearing, “You can develop chemistry with someone who’s kind or has a sense of humor.” I call that a friend.

And in my online dating experience, I’ve yet to meet a man—even at 80—who wants to be “just friends.” You know what I mean.

I also have no interest in becoming someone’s caregiver at the beginning of a relationship. It’s different if you’ve been married to this person all your life.

Should I Date Younger Men?

Friends tell me I should date a younger man.

And I would—if I knew he genuinely liked me for who I am. Maybe it’s my avoidant attachment style that makes me feel there is always an ulterior motive on their part. A lack of trust on my part.

What I’m Doing Instead: Real-Life Connections

So these days, I’m focusing on real-life interactions.

I’m joining discussion groups and attending art museum events in Laguna Beach. I love meeting intelligent people—men and women—who have traveled, who are curious, and who refuse to become stale in their thinking.

What I’m Hoping For

What I would truly love is a natural introduction—to meet a single man through someone I trust.

Someone who shares my love of travel, snorkeling, swimming, and staying active. Someone who wants a companion, an equal—not a caretaker.

If you can introduce me to that man, please email me at sonia@soniamarsh.com!

And As for My Son…

As for my son, I’m sure he’ll have no trouble finding someone he can love and marry…

As long as he’s not holding out for 100% perfection.

Stop People Pleasing, Start Setting Boundaries

August 14, 2023 by Sonia Marsh 5 Comments

Growing up, I discovered that people pleasing was the way to get people to like me.

I remember wanting to please my parents, so I was well-behaved, did my school work and said “yes” when I was asked to do something. I often received compliments from other parents saying, “What a sweet girl you are.” My mother would say she was proud of me.

People-pleasing was so ingrained in me from childhood that I wasn’t being true to myself. I had a hard time saying, “No” to requests, and even gave away a new outfit to my friend who said how much she liked it. I was a people-pleaser. I hated confrontations or hurting people’s feelings. This continued through adulthood and transferred into my relationships with men. I understand that men also suffer from people pleasing due to a “fear of rejection, insecurities, or the need to be well-liked.

What does it mean to be a people-pleaser?

Being a people-pleaser generally describes a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process. The most common signs are:

10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser

1. You Cannot Say “No”

You have a hard time saying no because you want to be accepted and liked by everyone. You think the best way to do that is by being overly agreeable.

2. You Feel Anxious About Others’ Opinions of You

This also stems from insecurity—you have fears about people perceiving you in a way you may not like, so you conform your behaviors to fit into a box even if you are not being true to yourself.

3. You Never Have “You” Time

You don’t schedule any kind of alone time or dedicated time for yourself so that you can always be available for others. Even if you do have time alone if you’re asked for something during that time you make yourself available immediately.

4. You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries

You feel as though others need you more than you need yourself, and you don’t set boundaries because you want to be helpful. You feel bad saying no to others, maybe because you have felt shamed for setting boundaries in the past.

5. You Apologize for Things You Don’t Need To

You feel as though you are responsible for other people’s feelings and reactions to everything, so you own things you don’t need to and make things your concern that doesn’t have anything to do with you.

6. You Need Constant Approval

You have a history of needing to get approval, so you people-please because of the validation you feel in the short term.

7. You Generally Don’t Share Your Feelings With Others

You are reluctant to share any feelings because you feel as though they don’t matter and other people’s issues are more pertinent.

8. You Have Low Self-Esteem

You have a history of anxiety, depression, trauma, or any kind of emotional or mental health concern that has led to low self-esteem or low self-worth. You look for external validation to fill the holes inside you that require internal work and validation.

9. You Always Agree in Order to Be Liked

You often say “yes” to be accepted and succumb to peer pressure. You feel like this will make people like and accept you.

10. You Fear Being Labeled “Selfish”

You are scared of being called selfish because that would mean that you’re putting your needs ahead of the needs of others.

What I’m working on to heal my people-pleasing tendencies

Today, I’m struggling with #4 (setting healthy boundaries.) I’m finding it easier to set healthy boundaries with men who are pushy and don’t show respect. The difficulty comes when I want to be honest, but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. Healthy boundaries are essential to women to protect ourselves, especially when dating or traveling solo. My next trip is to Croatia with a small group of 20 people. I don’t for see any problems as we have a guide escorting us, and I’ll be able to focus on meeting other like-minded travelers.

What do we mean by healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are the limits we place around our time, our emotions, our body, and our mental health to avoid being controlled, manipulated or drained by others. We want to stay true to who we are and protect ourselves.

Are you a people pleaser? Have you mastered the art of setting boundaries? Please share your comments below.

Online Dating: My Coping Mechanism for Boredom

August 28, 2016 by Sonia Marsh 11 Comments

The Peace Corps warned us that boredom and loneliness may cause a problem at times, and asked us to think of some coping mechanisms. I came up with a new one: online dating.

My days are busy with teaching, but evenings and weekends can become quite lonely, and boring in my rural village in Lesotho. It’s quite common for Peace Corps Volunteers (PCVs) to get depressed between months six to nine of service. We were shown a graph depicting the highs and lows experienced by PCVs during our ten-week training session.

Apart from spending time with my “host mother” and other activities such as lesson planning, writing my blog, reading, e-mailing, talking to family and friends on WhatsApp, knitting, drawing, walking, cooking, cleaning and hand-washing my clothes, I’ve added online dating as another form of entertainment.

The winter months can be brutal here in “The Mountain Kingdom,” where the sun sets at 5:20 p.m., and there is no heating, so I snuggle up in my sleeping bag and prop my laptop on top of my pillow, making sure the battery is fully charged.

I’m a realist knowing that my online dating will stay online. What man would seriously consider flying all the way to Lesotho to my rondavel out in the boonies? In a sense I’m not dating but simply “networking.”

So how can online dating be entertaining? If you’ve never tried it, let me share some of my experiences, and warn you about potential scammers.

“With 54 million single people in the U.S. 49 million have tried online dating, that’s 90% according to statisticbrain.com.”

Since I’m cheap, especially on my PC stipend of $150/month, I refuse to pay for online dating services, until I move to a country where I can actually meet someone in person. So I’ve joined free sites, and hope that I might be lucky enough to find a man who means what he says.

From my collection of e-mails, a striking pattern has emerged. Apart from that one man who said, “I’ll commit suicide right now if you don’t tell me why you’re not interested in me,” the other men all claim to be engineers, military guys, and quite shockingly, they all seem to have lost their wife to cancer, or a car accident.

At first, I felt sorry for them, but after receiving similar stories, I realized they were scammers preying on women who might fall for their sob-stories.

I compared notes with another PCV in Lesotho, my age, who is also online dating, and she said these men post photos of handsome men, who are not them, and after a while, ask you to send money. (Might that be a new version of the infamous Nigerian scammers?) They make up some excuse like their son or daughter needs surgery, or they lost their business. This has not happened to me yet. I usually quit writing immediately. So now when I receive a FB friend request from a man who says:

“Hi Sonia , how are you doing ? thanks for accepting, I do really appreciate , can we get to know each other better if you don’t mind? my name is A …” (My reply.)

“We can, as long as you don’t tell me that your wife died and that you are lonely. I ‘ve received at least ten messages from military men and engineers who state the same thing.”

When they don’t respond, I know they were like the others I received.

I joined a travel dating site, as I’d like to have a male travel companion to tour Africa, and noted that many of them are over 75. I’m sorry, they may be great men, but I want someone closer to my age for travel and adventure.

Some guys can be quite funny:

“Hi Sonia, how are you ? I like your comments & would like to travel with you ! How can we do this, shall I approach it like a job application ? HaHa please see my profile & CV / Referees on linkedin . LOL G.”

I’m not a professional editor or proof reader, and admit that I make mistakes in my writing, however, dating scammers seem to have:

Bad grammar, (especially when the person tells you that he has a Masters degree, and attended a private high school in Monaco.)
Use lower case (i)
Use run-on sentences
Do not indent their paragraphs
Offer false information like, “I own a diamond mine in Botswana.”

I won’t give-up. I am human after all, and know that one day, I’ll find the “right” male companion, whether online, or in-person.

In the meantime, I might just continue online dating for entertainment, although now I have a new focus which you’ll hear more about next Sunday: My Community Development Project, and how I’m pushing it along.

Do you have any similar online dating experiences? If so, please share them.