Sonia Marsh - Gutsy Living

Life's too short to play it safe

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Has entitlement gone too far?

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When your child goes to school, does he ask his maid to flush the toilet for him?
Does your child even have a maid? Not in America, or at least not in my circle of friends, but that doesn’t seem to be the case in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

For a family like mine, who left the U.S., in order to instill a new set of values upon our kids and get them away from peer pressures and entitlement attitudes, this seems like a different form of entitlement: almost like going back in time.

In a recent article sent to me by an American blogger friend, Susie, who lives in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I was shocked by what I read in this article.

Parents send their maids to chaperon their kids to school, and in some cases, these maids wait outside the school to carry the children’s bags and carry there drinks.

According to Samah Bukhary, a teacher at an international school in Jeddah, “Maids are abused and disrespected when they are made to do everyday chores children can do themselves.” Besides, how can kids learn to do anything on their own, and function in society, if their maid does everything for them?

While some mothers claim that they send their maids for “safety” reasons to chaperon their kids to school, other claim the kids are spoiled, as there are other kids in school, who do not have maids.

I asked Susie, “Where do these maids come from?” and she replied, “they are mainly from places like Indonesia, Philippines, Pakistan, and Bangladesh.” She continued to say that this has been going on for decades,(since the oil boom, probably starting in the 1960’s) and apparently is only getting worse.

So with many kids being raised by maids rather than parents, what is going to happen to these kids who are not taught to be responsible for themselves? Thankfully, we do not have this problem in the U.S., or do we?

The Satisfaction of Enough

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[Photo credits: guitars: fotobicchio and shoes: Orin Zebest]

“That’s so cool. That’s awesome!” an irritating squeaky voice kept repeating. She looked no more than six, her cell phone glued to her ear.

I stood behind her, waiting my turn in the “15 items or less” check-out line, still on a high from all the choices of breads, cereals and vegetables at my local grocery store. My family and I had just returned from our year on Ambergris Caye, an island with only 11,000 people in the Caribbean. We were lucky when Superbuy carried fresh milk, and in heaven when we found ice cream. Our choice of bread was white, or white with brown food coloring. Writing a shopping list became pointless. In Belize, the store ruled, and the customer learned to appreciate what they offered.

Back in California, I felt like a kid in a candy store. So many choices, too many in fact that my head was spinning. I’d smile at people and they’d quickly turn their head sideways to avoid eye contact. Many treated me as some kind of weirdo, because I did things differently. I would take my time and get out of their way when they pushed their shopping carts like NASCAR drivers. I would let them get in front of me in line. Men, women, even children looked tired and stressed out. No one seemed to understand how lucky they were to live in a country with everything you could possibly want and need.

“No hay!” the Spanish phrase for “there is no” became a daily phrase which my kids and I learned to accept without getting flustered. If they don’t have beef, we’ll eat chicken. If they don’t have lettuce, we’ll go without. Imagine the outrage of people in a U.S. supermarket if they were told, “No fresh milk today. Maybe next week. No hay!”

“That’s awesome! The blond, skinny, six-year-old repeated for the twentieth time on her cell phone. With small feet inside a pair of glittery high-heeled sandals, a baby-size Luis Vuitton purse, and her cell phone still glued to her ear, she reminded me of a mini Paris Hilton. Her mother glowed in admiration of her daughter’s pretentious mannerisms. She would glance around to see if others paid attention to her “cute” daughter.

I wrote this in my journal in 2006, and now realize I’ve changed. It’s easy to start taking things for granted when you live in a society of abundance. Now I allow myself to buy a pair of earrings or a top, more out of a want than a need, however, the guilt stays with me.

So when I shop, I make sure to ask myself, “Is this a want or a need?” And we all know the answer to that.

I made a list of how Belize has influenced my daily life:

  • I turn off the faucet in between brushing my teeth and rinsing.
  • I use paper towels sparingly; never to dry my hands at home though.
  • I only use paper plates when we have more guests than I have plates.
  • I use Ziplocs over and over.
  • I turn off the lights whenever I leave a room.
  • I always close the fridge door as soon as possible.
  • I never turn on the air-conditioning until it becomes unbearable.
  • I always bring my own bags to the grocery store, even Costco.

The satisfaction of enough, is something that I think about whenever I’m tempted to buy a want rather than a need. What about you?

Blogs I follow that help me re-focus on a simple life:

Leo Babauta from Zen Habits, has many ideas on living a more frugal lifestyle.
Lori from Groovygreenliving, offers tips to simplify life, and not waste.

Are kids copying their parents when they lie?

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98% of kids think that lying is morally wrong, yet 98% of kids lie. Why?

It starts very young as a way to avoid punishment. Some kids have mastered lying as young as two or three, and this can be linked to a sign of intelligence, according to Dr. Victoria Talwar, a leading expert on children’s lying behavior. Lying is a more advanced skill than truthfulness, as a child has to recognize the truth first, then manipulate the facts and convincingly sell their story to another person. So does this mean if your child or grandchild is a good liar, you should be proud? Not exactly. Most parents assume kids will stop lying once they get older, however, Talwar says the opposite is true: kids grow into it. A four-year-old will lie once every two hours, while a six-year-old will lie about once every hour and a half.

Are parents to blame?

We teach our kids to lie according to Talwar. “We don’t explicitly tell them to lie, but they see us do it. They see us tell the telemarketer, ‘I’m just a guest here.’ They see us boast and lie to smooth social relationships.”

If you’re like me and most other parents, you probably taught your kids to be polite and grateful for receiving a gift, even if it was something they didn’t like. Talwar states that about a quarter of preschoolers are able to lie that they like the gift and by elementary school, about half. Most of us are secretly proud when our child comes up with the white lie. We see it as being polite rather than recognizing that white lies are still lies.

Adults and lying.

Adults were asked to keep diaries of their social interactions and discovered they lied about once per day. The vast majority of these lies are white lies, like saying, “Of course this is my natural hair color.” Without realizing it we’re teaching our children that “honesty only creates conflict, and dishonesty is an easy way to avoid conflict.” Now it’s easier to see why a kid when asked, “I told you, you’re not allowed to waste your allowance on Pokémon cards!” will probably make up a white-lie scenario to make his parents feel better by telling them the cards were extras from a friend. (I remember that one when my sons were little.)

Teenagers and lying

In a representative study conducted by Dr. Nancy Darling at Penn State University, 96 % of teens reported lying to their parents, not because they wanted to stay out of trouble, but claimed, “I’m trying to protect the relationship with my parents; I don’t want them to be disappointed in me.” Being an honors student did not make them less likely to lie.

“Many parents today believe the best way to get teens to disclose is to be more permissive and not set rules,” Darling says. But Darling discovered that permissive parents don’t seem to learn more about their kids and because they are loving and accepting no matter what the kids do, the children take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t care and that they really don’t want the job of being the parent.

Pushing a teen into rebellion by having too many rules was a sort of statistical myth. “That actually doesn’t happen,” remarks Darling. She found that most rules-heavy parents don’t actually enforce them. “It’s too much work,” says Darling. “It’s a lot harder to enforce three rules than to set twenty rules.”

A few parents managed to live up to the stereotype of the oppressive parent, perhaps if you’ve read, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom by Amy Chua, you’ll recognize her extreme parenting of her two daughters with lots of psychological intrusion. Darling says that teens of oppressive parents “weren’t rebelling. They were obedient. And depressed.” Not exactly the case with Chua’s youngest daughter.

So what kind of parenting is best for teenagers?

  • Set a few key rules you enforce.
  • Explain why these rules are important.
  • Expect your teen to obey the key rules.
  • Support your teen’s autonomy in other areas.
  • Allow them freedom to make their own decisions.
  • Have warm conversations with your kids.

The kids of these parents lied the least. Rather than hiding twelve areas from their parents, they might be hiding as few as five.

What are your thoughts on why kids and teenagers lie? Is it because we teach them to?

If interested, please read the following article in New York magazine by Po Bronson’s article for more information.

Reese Whitherspoon honeymoons in Belize

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Photo by newsmia.com

I don’t normally write about celebrity weddings, however when Reese Whitherspoon and her husband Jim Toth were spotted in Belize, I was curious to find out if they had stayed on Ambergris Caye, the popular tourist island where my family and I lived for one year.

Reese Whitherspoon, Jim Toth and Reese’s two kids aged 7 and 11, were dressed in casual clothes and according to an eyewitness quoted in UsMagazine, “They didn’t ask for any VIP treatment, walked off the plane like regular tourists, waited in the immigration line and waited to get their bags from the baggage carousel.”

I visualized them getting off the plane, remembering the uneven steps on the metal staircase on wheels which two Belizean guys would push towards the front door of the plane. Did her kids trip on the first step down? I was familiar with that step; it was much lower (or higher) than all the others, and even with my long legs, I found it to be a challenge. What did they say about the weather? “Wow, it’s really hot and humid here.” Did Reese feel like a microwaved, hot towel had slapped her in the face? Did they remember to fill out the two forms for immigration? Were the officers smiling? Did they say, “Welcome to Belize? Are you staying more than 30 days?”and then proceed to stamp their passports as though competing for the “loudest stamp award.”

After collecting their suitcases, did they go through customs, turn left through a door where the local puddle jumpers wait to transport locals and tourists to Corozal, Placencia, San Pedro, and other places? Did they fly on Tropic Air or Maya Air? Was Jet there advertising his bar? Jet, the short, friendly guy with a shrill voice announcing drinks at Jet’s bar inside the small terminal. Did Reese and her family sit on the hard plastic chairs waiting for their puddle jumper like we’d done so many times before? How did they feel when they walked onto the tarmac to board a small Cessna with about 13 seats on board? Where her kids scared like mine were the first time they sat in this propeller plane?

 All five gorgeous photos are taken by Olivera Rusu Photography

Known for its eco-tourism, Mayan ruin sites scattered on the mainland, fantastic scuba diving, the world famous blue-hole, and much more, Belize has become a popular destination for weddings and honeymooners.  


Now, you can even have your wedding on the Mayan ruins! Olivera Rusu, a friend who lives in Belize and is a professional photographer, offers beautiful photos of weddings on the island, or on the Mayan ruins, something I had never seen before.

More information on Belize FYI

Where they vacationed is a secret. Belize is a small country the size of Massachusetts, located on the Caribbean coast of Central America. It is south of Mexico and is flanked by Guatemala to the south and west. This bio-diverse country, is rich in wildlife, tropical rainforests, has over 550 species of birds, compared to 700 in the whole of North America. So much beauty in such a small country.

So if you want a special vacation, or a unique wedding or honeymoon, please get in touch with Olivera Rusu for your photography. She’s fantastic, as you can see from her photos here and on her Mayan ruins weddings website.

Want to quit your job and travel around the world?

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Do you dream about quitting your job and traveling around the world? How can you make your dream a reality?

Larry Jacobson did just that, and his motivation was his search for happiness. Like so many under stress, Larry said, “my job was slowly killing me. I subscribe to the philosophy that our purpose in life is to be happy.”

So in 1998, Larry Jacobson, author of The Boy Behind the Gate, sold his business, and three years later sailed west on his 50 foot sailboat, making his dreams come true.

After reading about Larry in the OC Register’s article, “Sailor survived ‘Pirate Alley,’ worried mom,” I knew I had to interview him, and find out more about his Gutsy side: the one that resulted in a six-year-adventure, sailing around the world. I especially wanted to find out how he had changed after such a long adventure.

Here is my five-minute interview with Larry Jacobson, author of The Boy Behind the Gate
at the Newport Beach Public Library, California, March 29th, 2011

This interview explores the background that led up to Larry selling his company in 1998, and purchasing his boat in March 2001, which he worked on, until he and his partner and a few crew members sailed off from the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco on December 7th, 2001.

How were you able to finance such a trip?
“By selling my travel incentive business.” This enabled Larry to finance his trip for two years. After he ran out of money, he decided to sell his house and continue his six-year adventure.

How many countries did you visit?
“We visited 40 countries.” They decided to sail west to the South Pacific, and their journey was spontaneous. They stayed in Auckland, New Zealand for 9 months and Australia for 8 months, as well as Thailand for 3 months and Turkey for almost a year; so the trip was about “getting to see the world and live it,” Larry said.

Which island was the most beautiful?
“The French have all the good stuff. French Polynesia, is the most beautiful. Tahiti, Bora Bora, Tuamotus Islands, Moorea, the Marquesas islands, these are all French,” Larry said, with a huge smile as he seemed to be reliving their natural beauty.

The best scuba diving?
The Tuamotus islands in French Polynesia, coral islands with no dirt on the island, so there is no run-off and about 120 feet of visibility. There were other places too, which you’ll discover in his book.

How long into the trip before you acquired the skills to overcome, “seamanship, personal strength and perseverance?”
Larry said that he struggled for the first year, and that it’s not the fun and dreamy vacation that we may think. “It’s a lot of hard work. Things break down constantly, and we had to learn along the way,” he said.

What was the first thing you noticed when you returned to San Francisco after six years of traveling?
“That nothing had really changed, except me. I didn’t see things the same way, I didn’t see money the same way, I didn’t see food, cars and people the same way. I had a new appreciation for what I felt was important in life, and it’s not sold in retail stores; it’s love and friendship.” Larry said he’s still struggling to fit in, despite it being four years since he’s been back in the U.S. His conclusion is that he’s changed permanently and he’ll never fit back in. “I think I’m a better person for it, I treat others better for it, I have a sense of community and camaraderie with friends and family that I probably didn’t have before.”

So what are some of the important lessons that you learned from escaping the rat race?
“That the rat race is not the only race going on, and you don’t have to take part in it.”

How do you stop yourself from getting caught up in it again, especially when you have to make money?
“Well, it’s tough. Not long ago I found myself yelling at someone in traffic at another driver, and I’m not supposed to do that, because that’s what I learned not to do. That it’s not important, that it’s OK, you can take your time, you don’ have to go so fast. As far as money, I’m counting on my book and I am a professional speaker. That’s going to be my next career, my next living.”

What do you tell someone who says, I’d like to do something like you did, but I can’t afford it?”
“The most important thing is to re-prioritize, because you can afford to do something. Anyone can afford to do something. It doesn’t have to be to sail around the world, that’s a pretty big thing.You can sail to Catalina island (an island off the California coast.) So re- prioritize. Save enough money to rent a boat and sail to Catalina and back. You’ll have a week-long adventure that will be unbelievable. You’ll be talking about it for years.” Larry said he put money away for years to fulfill his dream. He planned ahead. He called it his sailing fund. “If you really want to sail, don’t go skiing, save your money. Don’t buy a 50″ TV, by a 40″ TV.”
Larry’s enthusiasm was contagious.”You have to really want this, and I was unstoppable,” he said.
“People will always say, you can’t do this. You don’t have the money, the knowledge, or some other excuse, but if you really want this, you’ll make it happen.”

I want to thank Larry for his wonderful words of wisdom. and for all of us with dreams, no matter how big or how small, let’s remember to become unstoppable.

You can order Larry Jacobson’s inspiring book with many colored photos inside to carry you on a journey around the world, on his website or on Amazon. Please hop over to his Larry Jacobson’s site.

If you have any questions for Larry, please ask in the comment section and he’ll be happy to answer them.

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