98% of kids think that lying is morally wrong, yet 98% of kids lie. Why?
It starts very young as a way to avoid punishment. Some kids have mastered lying as young as two or three, and this can be linked to a sign of intelligence, according to Dr. Victoria Talwar, a leading expert on children’s lying behavior. Lying is a more advanced skill than truthfulness, as a child has to recognize the truth first, then manipulate the facts and convincingly sell their story to another person. So does this mean if your child or grandchild is a good liar, you should be proud? Not exactly. Most parents assume kids will stop lying once they get older, however, Talwar says the opposite is true: kids grow into it. A four-year-old will lie once every two hours, while a six-year-old will lie about once every hour and a half.
Are parents to blame?
We teach our kids to lie according to Talwar. “We don’t explicitly tell them to lie, but they see us do it. They see us tell the telemarketer, ‘I’m just a guest here.’ They see us boast and lie to smooth social relationships.”
If you’re like me and most other parents, you probably taught your kids to be polite and grateful for receiving a gift, even if it was something they didn’t like. Talwar states that about a quarter of preschoolers are able to lie that they like the gift and by elementary school, about half. Most of us are secretly proud when our child comes up with the white lie. We see it as being polite rather than recognizing that white lies are still lies.
Adults and lying.
Adults were asked to keep diaries of their social interactions and discovered they lied about once per day. The vast majority of these lies are white lies, like saying, “Of course this is my natural hair color.” Without realizing it we’re teaching our children that “honesty only creates conflict, and dishonesty is an easy way to avoid conflict.” Now it’s easier to see why a kid when asked, “I told you, you’re not allowed to waste your allowance on Pokémon cards!” will probably make up a white-lie scenario to make his parents feel better by telling them the cards were extras from a friend. (I remember that one when my sons were little.)
Teenagers and lying
In a representative study conducted by Dr. Nancy Darling at Penn State University, 96 % of teens reported lying to their parents, not because they wanted to stay out of trouble, but claimed, “I’m trying to protect the relationship with my parents; I don’t want them to be disappointed in me.” Being an honors student did not make them less likely to lie.
“Many parents today believe the best way to get teens to disclose is to be more permissive and not set rules,” Darling says. But Darling discovered that permissive parents don’t seem to learn more about their kids and because they are loving and accepting no matter what the kids do, the children take the lack of rules as a sign their parents don’t care and that they really don’t want the job of being the parent.
Pushing a teen into rebellion by having too many rules was a sort of statistical myth. “That actually doesn’t happen,” remarks Darling. She found that most rules-heavy parents don’t actually enforce them. “It’s too much work,” says Darling. “It’s a lot harder to enforce three rules than to set twenty rules.”
A few parents managed to live up to the stereotype of the oppressive parent, perhaps if you’ve read, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom by Amy Chua, you’ll recognize her extreme parenting of her two daughters with lots of psychological intrusion. Darling says that teens of oppressive parents “weren’t rebelling. They were obedient. And depressed.” Not exactly the case with Chua’s youngest daughter.
So what kind of parenting is best for teenagers?
- Set a few key rules you enforce.
- Explain why these rules are important.
- Expect your teen to obey the key rules.
- Support your teen’s autonomy in other areas.
- Allow them freedom to make their own decisions.
- Have warm conversations with your kids.
The kids of these parents lied the least. Rather than hiding twelve areas from their parents, they might be hiding as few as five.
What are your thoughts on why kids and teenagers lie? Is it because we teach them to?
If interested, please read the following article in New York magazine by Po Bronson’s article for more information.
Fascinating post! I'll have to see how many white lies I tell to smooth social cogs… Gah!
I like these simple rules for teens though.. will come in handy in a few years' time.
I think the research is really interesting. My only problem with it is how completely different my own 2 sons are in the art of lying. Actually they're very different in just about everything, even having the same parents, rules, limits… the list goes on.
I think you just go with your gut and lead with good examples as best you can.
Interesting and thought provoking post! Thanks.
@ladyfi
I also like the rules. I tried to simplify the research I read. Much more in the NY magazine article.
@Barbara
I agree. The research made me really think differently myself, especially as I have 3 boys and you know we did have teenage issues, which prompted our year in Belize.
Great blog! I am listening to a book (mystery) called "A Job to Kill For". One of the scenes has the mother called to a Beverley Hills store where her 15 year-old daugter is accused of shoplifting a $240 pair of earrings. The Security Guard accepts the mother's explanation that the earrings fell into her daughter's backpack accidentally. The reader finds out that her daughter's friend had shoplifted a tee-shirt and that they really were doing the teen-rebellion thing.
Am I the only parent who had to defend a teen who got nicked for shoplifting? We used it as an object lesson (which is what the parent in the book did) but your blog made me wonder whether we might have made a mistake.
Thanks for the stimulus.
Wonderful post and lots of good information. My mother was a great believer in the benefits of telling lies and would change facts on a whim. Unlike her, most of my life I've stuck to the truth as much as possible because, as one boss told me, when I lie, it shows on my face. That does not mean I haven't got away with a few whoppers, but on the whole, even small lies make me feel guilty. Conversely, one of my sons has been a compulsive liar since he was small despite rules, punishments, admonitions, counseling, etc. Therefore, while I believe that parents can influence their children's honesty, kids do not necessarily become liars because they copy their parents. I think kids lie because, as you said, they can get away with it, and it's sort of an oneupmanship thing over their parents if they do. I believe lying or honesty are traits that we grow into and while parents may influence us as small kids, most people settle into a middle-of-the-way truthfulness. Hence, the more acceptable "little white lie."
Interesting post.
That's a complex issue, without an answer. It depends on the lie and what the person who lies wants to achieve.
I also think that it's an innate "ability", some people are skilled at it, others hate it.
The only thing that parents might influence is whether they reward honesty and I'm wondering whether that's more cultural than parental.
Congratulations on your eclectic blog. I love it. Heading for 47 and heading for teenage kids soon so I'll be stopping by in the future.
Greetings from Switzerland!
P.S.I think you ARE very gutsy.
@Doctor Eclectic
If my kid shoplifted and denied it, I would be worried and upset. I would not defend my kid. Is this at a book club where you discussed the subject?
@Penelope
I like the way you logically pointed out the progression from chidhood, using your own experience.
@Antares
I'm interested in what you said at the end. "I'm wondering whether that's more cultural than parental."
@Expat with kids
Thanks for your kind comment. I shall find out more about your blog by hopping over.
There are cultures, like Japan, where honesty is rewarded. Lost items are returned to the owner for a finder's fee or the concept of honor.
In western culture (I'm oversimplifying) honesty is punished, lies are rewarded with success.
I am not talking about white lies that are necessary for social interaction.
When we caught our teen aged son in a lie about some incident, we would make him write it out on paper. If the story did not match our "evidence" then he had to write it again. Usually by the second "revision" of the story the truth would come out.
With adults, lying can sometimes be a cultural thing. My daughter who lived in Japan for three years discovered that people would often lie. The Japanese go to great lengths to not offend others, often telling people what they know they want to hear. They believe it is worse to tell the truth if it is offensive or might cause bad feelings.
@Antares and @ Robert the Skeptic
I have been to Japan but do not know enough about the culture. I agree that the Japanese I met, seemed very polite. I think Robert's comment about the Japanese not wanting to offend people, and therefore lying, as his daughter noticed, is true.
Yes, I agree, but that makes them socially/culturally acceptable "white lies", it does not benefit the liar, but avoids offending or hurting the one being lied to. A friend moved there some time ago and told me that there are doctors who will not tell their patients that they are severely ill, because it would not benefit them.
Interesting, what cultures deem acceptable and what constitutes a lie.