I AM Your Daughter
I yearned for her all my life, couldn’t take no for an answer, used to the snaking line of her hose on the back of her legs as she jaunted toward the steaming train, the sharp edges of no and don’t get too close in her voice. All my life, I believed one day she’d wake up and see that I was a loveable daughter. One day she’d open her arms and welcome me into her heart.
When I was five we lived with her mother, my grandmother. One day, Mother announced that she was going back to Chicago without me. Through the years when I lived with her mother, Gram, in the middle of a fight mother would pack up her bag and run out the door to a cab.
A born peacemaker, I courted my mother’s approval. She’d given no signs of her disavowal of me until I was twenty, she visited once a year, but were her visits as much about seeing her mother, who had left her when she was six, as seeing me? Though Gram reclaimed mother after she remarried, they were always in conflict. After those abrupt endings that should have been happy reunions, Gram would sob, “Oh, my brown-eyed baby. Why can’t she just get along? Why can’t she…” Other times, Gram’s dark eyes stormed with rage at mother, long hours of diatribes against her. I didn’t know who to feel sorry for—Gram or mother. Or both.
I first visited my mother when I was twenty years old, having left Oklahoma to attend the University of Illinois. What a thrill it was to be in the city of my birth, the city my grandmother had moved to when she left Mother behind. Thrilled to be with her that first winter day, gasping against the wind, I rushed with mother to a jeweler’s where she traded antiques. On the way, she said, “Just wait for me and don’t talk.”
I knew that displeasing her could result in serious consequences, from being screamed at, torn down with criticism, or even slapped, so I nodded. For nearly an hour, miserably invisible, I hovered by the door at the end of the counter while mother flirted with the owner. Finally mother’s lilting voice, “You see that girl down there. That’s my daughter.”
Her hips swiveled and she flashed a flirty smile as he said, “That’s impossible, you’re not old enough to have a daughter that age.”
I straightened up, ready to be proudly introduced after all, only to shrink back when she whispered, “Oh, really?” pleased to be seen as so young, ignoring me for another half hour.
When we left, I found the courage to ask why she didn’t introduce me.
“I have my own life here, and no one knows I’ve been married. So of course I can’t have a daughter, can I? I don’t want you ruining things for me.”
As I shuffled behind her, ashamed, small, confused, I didn’t know that I’d spend the next thirty years trying to get her to change her mind. I’d bring my children to see her in Chicago only to have her shepherd us down the back halls of her hotel away from view. I was always excited to go to Chicago, always hopeful she’d be different.
One visit in particular was a tragic example of her attitude. Standing in the elevator of her hotel, she looked me up and down. “You look like me. I hope no one thinks you’re my daughter.” In stunned silence that she would say such a thing, I watched elevator buttons blink, almost gasping for breath, feeling stabbed in the stomach.
After another visit being shuffled through back hallways, my eleven-year-old son said to me, “Why do you bring us here when she doesn’t want us?” He was much smarter than me.
“We’re never coming back.” I resolved, my dream infusing with reality.
But I was too cowardly to confront her. Her irrational outbursts and violence frightened me too much to try. That night, I howled my rage and tears, knowing that my dream of being welcomed by my mother would never come true.
Four years later, after no contact, she called, terrified about a brain tumor and lung spot. Would I come? I flew out that day. We arrived at the hospital where a nurse checked her in. She glanced at Mother and then at me. “You must be her daughter,” she said to me.
“Yes,” I said, holding my breath. The nurse didn’t know mother’s crazy rules.
A beat, then a shriek, “Don’t tell them you’re my daughter!!”
The nurse froze, the woman in the next bed gasped. Calmly, I said, “Mother, you know I’m your daughter.”
Though I knew she was disturbed, and by now could see that she’d never stop denying me, I couldn’t prevent a tear rolling down my cheek.
Over those days I sat next to her hospital bed, the extent of her denial became even clearer: her attorney of fifteen years didn’t know I existed. On a day when friends were to visit, she told me,
“Come back in two hours. I don’t want questions about you.”
Stung, I shuttered myself as always, comforted by Van Gogh landscapes and Monet flowers at a nearby museum. On the way back, my rage built, along with shame at my own cowardice. I found her pacing, screaming accusations, criticisms; finally my silence broke: “Mother, you’ve denied me my whole life! I’m sick of it. I came here for you, left my children to be with you. I’m your daughter!!”
A small voice murmured, “When did I do that?”
I could have listed all the times she turned away, denied me, hurt me. But suddenly, beside me was a just a dying old woman. I put my arm around her. “It’s okay, Mother. It’s okay.”
In peace, we watched raindrops splash spring rain on the greening trees.
Linda Joy Myers: President of the National Association of Memoir Writers, & Co-President of the Women’s National Book Association, SF, is the author of The Power of Memoir—How to Write Your Healing Story, and a workbook The Journey of Memoir: The Three Stages of Memoir Writing. A new edition of her memoir Don’t Call Me Mother—A Daughter’s Journey from Abandonment to Forgiveness was released in January, 2013. She co-teaches the program Write your Memoir in Six Months with Brooke Warner. She coaches writers, and offers teleseminars and workshops nationally.
Linda has won prizes for fiction, memoir and poetry: First Prize, Jessamyn West Fiction Contest; Finalist, San Francisco Writing Contest for Secret Music, a novel about the Kindertransport; First Prize, poetry, East of Eden Contest, and First Prize Carol Landauer Life Writing Contest. www.namw.org. Blog: http://memoriesandmemoirs.com
Sonia Marsh Says: Linda, you transported me into your life as a child, a young woman and finally a mother yourself yearning all your life for your own mother’s love, approval and recognition. I felt your hurt and anger throughout your story and your ability to forgive makes your story so compelling. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and congratulations on your new edition of, Don’t Call Me Mother.
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Sonia Marsh says
Linda, Have you seen the movie, “Second Hand Lions”?
Your mother reminds me of the main actress in the film who abandons her young son with some elderly relatives so she can take off and find a man to take care of her.
Mary Gottschalk says
Second Hand Lions is an amazing movie … especially in this context!
Mary Gottschalk recently posted..Listening for the Drumbeat
Linda Joy Myers says
Hi Sonia, no I haven’t see it, but will put it on my list. Sometimes it’s hard to watch movies that remind us of these events! Still, it’s all the stuff of story.
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Barbara says
It fascinates me what we can put up with while we yearn for love and acceptance from a parent. I’m so glad you were able to forgive in person. I couldn’t take that chance so I did it in a letter. I’m working on my memoir. It’s not an easy task when there’s all that ugliness to relive, is it?
Well done!
b
Barbara recently posted..The Worst Dinner Date Ever…a bit of fiction.
Sonia Marsh says
I had to comment Barbara as I have read so much about your childhood and later, on your blog. I’m sure Linda will be back to comment.
Linda JOy Myers says
Hi Barbara, So sorry to hear that you have had to live with a similar kind of pain, and best of luck with your memoir. It’s a challenge to bring up those difficult times and write about them but when we do, it helps to heal.
Let me know when you memoir is done!
Linda JOy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Grace Peterson says
Wow. What a story. Thank you Linda for sharing this. I have a similar experience with my mother but I gave up on her years ago. We gave up on each other. It’s a tragedy because I feel that my mother missed out on the most profound blessing of her life–her children.
Thank you Sonia for printing this. I have Linda’s memoir and I’ve been meaning to read it. I’ll get started on it.
Linda JOy Myers says
Thanks Grace. Sometimes we just can’t find a way to resolve things. In my memoir you’ll see that my mother and grandmother couldn’t do it, and it was such a tragedy. I wanted it to be different for me, and for my children. Do stay in touch!
Linda JOy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Sonia Marsh says
Grace,
Thanks for stopping by. I am so happy Linda submitted her story, and love what she’s done to the new cover of her memoir.
Mary Gottschalk says
Linda … I share your “ambivalence” about caring for a mother who did not care for you. I did what I had to do as a responsible human being — made sure she was comfortable and well taken care of — but I confess that I never quite got to the point of putting my arm around a “dying old woman” Kudos to you
Mary Gottschalk recently posted..Listening for the Drumbeat
Linda JOy Myers says
Hi Mary–it took many years of therapy to be able to do what I did when she was dying. I’d seen my grandmother die without resolving things with mother and I didn’t want to repeat it. And my mother was also abandoned, and I knew that it damaged her, at least in some ways. Sometimes she felt more like a sister to me. Forgiveness is not always a cognitive choice. When we are ready, sometimes it just happens.
Linda JOy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Sonia Marsh says
I agree with Mary. We learn that forgiveness is to benefit the person who has been harmed. I admire what you did before your mother passed.
Linda JOy Myers says
Hi Mary–it took many years of therapy to be able to do what I did when she was dying. I’d seen my grandmother die without resolving things with mother and I didn’t want to repeat it. And my mother was also abandoned, and I knew that it damaged her, at least in some ways. Sometimes she felt more like a sister to me. Forgiveness is not always a cognitive choice. When we are ready, sometimes it just happens.
Linda JOy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Kathleen Pooler says
Dear Linda Joy,
Though I’ve never experienced the gripping heartache of an abandoning mother, you have transported me into this heartache through this very brave story. No wonder you are the mother of “Be brave write your story.” You have walked the walk and show us all the way. Even though I have read “Don’t Call Me Mother” and know the story, you have taken it to a whole new level here and have led us to poignant and heartwarming ending. Beautiful and gutsy. Brava!
Kathleen Pooler recently posted..Dare We Write About Miracles in Memoir? A Guest Post by Pam Richards
Linda Joy Myers says
Hi Kathy–thank you for your comments. As you know, it’s a long road to get the core issues in our memoir, and it forces us to dig deep into what happened and how we felt about it. And how we still feel. I believe in the power of memoir, as you know, to heal, to change lives, to help us create a new and better present, and to have a new perspective on the past. You are a trooper too–with all you have done to work on your memoir! Looking forward to more memoir fun with you!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Madeline Sharples says
Dear Linda Joy,
Every time I read your story I gasp. You write it so real, so palpable, yet, so unbelievably horrifying.
I wish you great success with your book. And I look forward to more hangouts and roundtables.
Love,
Madeline
Madeline Sharples recently posted..The importance of books
Linda Joy Myers says
Thank you Madeline. You know how much I admire your writing about tough subjects too. You faced the hardest stuff in your book, and wrote it out, dug deep into memories and layers of yourself. I look forward to more memoir events and hangouts too!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Betsy Graziani Fasbinder says
Linda Joy, you are a survivor, that’s for sure. Every success for this new edition. I know how hard you worked to get it just right.
Linda Joy Myers says
Thanks Betsy. Yes we have been traveling together for a while now! Glad that we can celebrate your new book very soon too! Onward!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Susan G. Weidener says
I wrote about my mother, Gertrude Weidener, in my memoir, Morning at Wellington Square. Writing helped me see that in many ways I was like her, no matter how hard I tried to believe I wasn’t. I always liked that prompt, “what was your mother’s emotional agenda?”, as well as writing from the prompt – who was I to my mother? – which I used in my memoir. Yes, who are we to our mothers?
One thing I realized – despite my mother’s dysfunctionality, her self-centeredness – was she loved me. I loved her, too, despite her problems and neediness, her often cruel comments to me – women in those days did not have access to “voice” as they were censored, no chance to explore their own desires, dreams, frustrations, anger. But I digress. . . Gertrude, for all her shortcomings and deficiences, had a heart of gold.
This will be the power of your memoir, Linda Joy . . . sparking a conversation about our mothers, our changing roles as women.
Linda Joy Myers says
Hi Susan, Thank you for joining in the conversation about your mother in your memoir. There is often the “mother wound” and we each have it in a different way, unique to the family and the circumstances, and who knows what happened to our mothers that shaped them. I have some idea about my mother and was always eager to find out more. There was a tender fragility about her sometimes that I connected with when it happened, when I was younger. I suppose that was love. We really need to have more words than we do for that quality: love. Looking forward to some memoir discussions with you in the future!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Sonia Marsh says
I agree with you Susan, Linda’s memoir will spark conversations about our own mothers. I am interested in your comment about admitting that in many ways, you were like your mother. That must have been quite a shock for you to discover.
Paige Strickland says
Linda, I love how you ended this with greening spring trees as a sign of hope and renewal. Well done! P.
Linda Joy Myers says
In my memoir, I often connect with nature, as I do in real life, and did as a child. Nature is forgiving, fresh, and full of hope, to me. Thank you for your comment!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Sharon Lippincott says
Linda Joy, you’ve done a fabulous job of recapping the story and getting to the heart of it in this short space. I wonder if anyone else noticed that you consistently spell mother with a small m. Knowing you, this has to be deliberate, a message that she wasn’t a “real” mother, deserving of the title, Mother. Such subtle touches can convey a world of feeling. Best wishes for every success with this new edition.
Sharon Lippincott recently posted..Documentary Memoir
Linda Joy Myers says
It was a terrific challenge to “write shorter” and see if I could do it. And you point out something I actually didn’t notice! Well, it’s these subtle ways we do convey our truths that show up in our work. Thanks for pointing it out!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..NAMW Member Teleseminar February 22, 2013 |The Ghost in the Memoir
Penelope J. says
Linda, What a tremendous story, powerful and deeply moving. I don’t know how you were able to withstand your mother’s constant rejection and denial of you, but that you did attests to your inner strength. I can’t understand her reasons though I’m sure you’ve gone into them in depth when writing about her. She may have suffered from a personality disorder and who knows what devils tormented her? I’m glad that in the end you made peace with her and with yourself.
Linda Joy Myers says
Hi Penelope,
Thank you for your comments. I sometimes forget that it did take strength, and I guess I was pretty stubborn as well to try to get our story to turn out differently. At the end of the new edition is a story about me and my daughter, and how different it is between us. What a blessing!
Yes, my mother suffered I’m sure, and there’s a section on her diagnosis as she was dying. The psychiatrist finally gave a name to what had been going on with her all our lives.
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..Exposure in Memoir Writing | How Much, and Who’s the Writing For?
Michael Jay says
Hello Linda, Your gutsy story reminds me how lucky I was that my mom had time to let me know that she would never give up on me – even after she was gone. Your story struck a nerve. Thank you for that. Well done.
Linda Joy Myers says
Thank you Michael for writing. Yes, it’s a blessing indeed when someone can promise something so meaningful. Thanks for your praise and support!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..Exposure in Memoir Writing | How Much, and Who’s the Writing For?
Carol says
What a great and brave account. I agree with you when you say that we need to use more words than we do to express that quality: love. We need more actions too, which you had the strengh to do. Your story is a reminder th
Carol says
Sorry!
Your story is a reminder that hope is the driving force, and that love always has the last word. Thanks so much for sharing with us!
I feel that love is often smothered by false materialistic and educational pressures; and that we all suffer from this.
Linda Joy Myers says
Love is mysterious and unexplainable, particularly between parents and children. It’s not a Hallmark card. The moment that I offer at the end–I could never have predicted that I would react to her that way. But it was easy after I told the truth–finally. Still, it was a surprise to me. Thank you for your message!
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..Exposure in Memoir Writing | How Much, and Who’s the Writing For?
Judy Mandel says
Linda,
A beautiful piece that brings us on your journey to forgiving your mother. And a reminder that forgiveness is really what heals us. Thank you so much for sharing this here.
All my best,
Judy
Linda Joy Myers says
Thank you Judy. I never knew exactly where I was on the journey while I was on it. There were so many mixed emotions. Forgiveness is a gift–and sometimes it’s quite unexpected. Best of luck with your book!
Linda Joy
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..Exposure in Memoir Writing | How Much, and Who’s the Writing For?
Carol Bodensteiner says
A brave story, well written, Linda. I believe we all live out our mothers’ emotional agendas. I never doubted my mother’s love, but the lessons I learned from her — the husband is always right, never challenge him in front of the kids, don’t let anyone know the hard things you’re dealing with — many things like that, played out in unhealthy ways in my life. I don’t blame her for my decisions. Those are mine alone. Writing has helped me see the dark and the light of those lessons.
Carol Bodensteiner recently posted..TAN – A story of exile, betrayal and revenge – Book Review
Linda Joy Myers says
Thank you for your comment Carol! Yes, we are shaped by the beliefs and agendas of parents, and then we go on to learn our own lessons. The mothers who came before us were molded by the customs and traditions of the era they grew up in, and these were not feminist or even woman friendly times. I love it that writing helps to free us, and gives us a new perspective on what happens in our families.
Linda Joy Myers recently posted..Second Chances–the New Edition of my Memoir Don’t Call Me Mother
ladyfi says
Oh goodness – what a heart-breaking story! Makes me so grateful for my own wonderful parents.
Thank you for sharing.
ladyfi recently posted..Chandeliers in the sky
Sonia Marsh says
Linda,
What an amazing group of women who feel connected to your story and the forgiveness at the end, is a lesson that so many of us can learn to use, even under different circumstances. I know you mentioned that it took therapy and many years to reach that point. Thank you so much for sending it to the “My Gutsy Story” series.