MAMA AND HER ARSENAL
To say my family was dysfunctional is a mild use of the word. My father was raised in an orphanage where little affection was demonstrated, so he was tentative with his affections. Mother was Scotch-Irish and full of spit and vinegar. Mama was incapable of disciplining in moderation or controlling her temper. Fear was a required ingredient in punishments meted out, as well as threats of physical contact and verbal abuse.
Memories come floating back often, but remembering her threats of suicide ranks high on the list. When at her angriest, Mama threatened to kill herself if we didn’t comply with her demands.
Measuring up in our world wasn’t to see how much we had grown in height; it was to gauge our responsiveness to Mama’s demands and expectations. A report card with less than all A’s and just one B was never good enough.
“Is this the best you could do? You want to appear stupid? This card could prove that! ”
A sense of being loved because you were her child was never felt. Self-worth was a casualty of her battles to be a mother.
Therefore, not all my decisions were good ones. I married young to escape life with Mama. Unfortunately, I married her counterpart. After five years and a child, life was less than tolerable. I yanked up my courage and left, but went back to my parents’ home allowing Mama to resume her domineering role.
During this time of single parenting, a trusted employer and friend helped me to look forward rather than back. He understood the inner workings of my home life, and often counseled me much like a father would.
The one thing I took away from this friendship was the knowledge that somewhere there was someone who would love me just for me. After years of trying to please and measure up, this sounded impossible.
After eight years of single motherhood and hard work, I met someone. Someone with gentleness much like that of my father. He too had experienced a failed marriage and between us, we had stories to tell.
When we announced plans to marry, we were met with Mama’s rage. Although 34 years old, I still had no more worth than when I was a child.
Mama fought to stop our marriage. Angrily she argued, “How can you possibly think of marrying this man? He’s been married and has two children!”
“Mama, I’ve been married, divorced, and have a child myself. What’s the difference?”
“Don’t sass me! You think you’re smart because you went to college. I have more life experience, and you’re not taking my grandson into the mess you are creating.”
I quickly rebounded. “I suppose you forget that I am a child of a blended marriage. You and daddy were both married before. You had a son; he had two daughters. Show me the difference now!”
My words were like a spark held to a pilot light. Her emerald green eyes blazed, and her jaw locked in determination. I didn’t care this time. I had had enough.
I knew exactly what was coming. Mama pulled out the old and often used “I’ll kill myself if you don’t do as I say” routine. No matter how often used, it was still frightening but by now I should have known it was an idle threat. Still my heart pounded. My palms grew sweaty.
I walked into the kitchen and found her there with a butcher knife in her hand, pointed at her chest. Mama yelled, “You can’t do this to me. If you do, I’ll kill myself!”
Now was the time to let her know I was her equal and my life was mine to live. I took a bold step to show that I was not going to be cowed by her threats.
“Go ahead,” I said calmly.
“You can’t mean that. I’m your mother. You’re supposed to love me enough to stop me.”
Her emerald green eyes flashed with vile anger and a vicious desire to control. Did she not realize loving her wasn’t easy?
“And you’re supposed to love me. But I’m not sure you’ve ever thought about it.”
She inched the knife closer to her body as if ready to end her life. But I could see her fear as I felt my own. I thought to myself, “No more scrabbling for love. No more control like this. Understand? No more!”
Chief among my fears was that my son would climb out of bed and find us in this standoff. I didn’t want him to witness such a scene. Quietly, I took small steps toward her as you’d approach a wild animal.
“Mama, you don’t want to do this. You can’t be willing to give up everything and not see your grandchildren grow up.”
At this Mama began to cry. Slowly, I removed the knife from her hand and breathed a sigh of relief. Her cries turned into sobs.
I felt a power I’d never felt before, but I was afraid it wouldn’t last. I placed my arms around Mama’s shoulders and held her until she calmed enough to turn in for the night.
Foolishly, I thought perhaps there was a change in the wind. But change isn’t easy. There would be more threats, more attempts to forestall our marriage. And as long as she could get a reaction from me, Mama would continue on as life had always been.
Two years after we married a job change took us to Oregon, putting 2200 miles between Mama and me. Distance made it difficult for her to use physical threats. However, her verbal assaults continued over the phone. With time and the compassion of my loving husband, I understood this was her problem and not mine.
I believe that bold step in the kitchen decades ago and seizing my life for my husband, son and me provided the different vision of who I could be as I looked into my soul.
Sherrey Meyer Bio:
A retired legal secretary, Sherrey Meyer grew tired of drafting and revising pleadings and legal documents. She had always dreamed of writing something else, anything else! Once she retired she couldn’t stay away from the computer, and so she began to write. Among her projects is a memoir of her “life with mama,” an intriguing Southern tale of matriarchal power and control displayed in verbal and emotional abuse. Sherrey is married and lives with husband Bob in Milwaukie, OR. They have three grown children, four grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. Their tuxedo cat, Maggie, rules the roost.
You can reach Sherrey Meyer on her websites: Not Just A Name and Letters to Mama; or Tweet her @Sherrey_
Sonia Marsh Says:
I cannot imagine how you must have felt growing up with the psychological games and threats of suicide by your mother. Did your father try ever try to stop her from this harmful behavior? Thankfully you met a wonderful man and stood up for yourself. How sad that she didn’t change after that one “gutsy” life-changing incident. Thank you Sherrey for opening up and sharing the ugly followed by the good in your life.
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I cannot imagine growing up with a mother who “played” cruel psychological games with her daughter. I am so thankful you found your husband and the photo of you smiling with him, shows your happiness today. Thanks Sherrey for sharing.
Sonia, thanks so much for helping me share my story here on My Gutsy Store. In response to your question about my father, most often he never knew of Mama’s suicidal threats to manipulate us. And we, or at least I, never told him. I loved him too much to tell him. He was my hero in so many ways, and a man I admired — I couldn’t hurt him in that way.
Sonia, thanks so much for featuring my story today. The opportunity to share with your readers even a small part of what transpired in my life is appreciated. You asked about my father. I doubt he ever knew of these manipulative threats; I know I never told him. I loved him so much and admired and respected him in so many ways I just couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him.
I look forward to other comments and seeing what your readers have to say about “My Gutsy Story!”
Oh goodness, I cannot imagine growing up like this! So glad you are with a compassionate person who loves you for you.
Lady Fi recently posted..The light of the lilies
Thanks so much for reading my story and commenting. It is unimaginable, isn’t it? I find myself still wondering about so many things, but no longer have to wonder if I’m loved!
I can relate to Sherrey’s story. My mother never threatened to kill herself but she would threaten to never let me see my younger brothers again. When I finally left home, because staying wasn’t an option, her threats became what they always were…empty.
After years of verbal abuse via phone I severed ties. She sent letters pleading with me to forgive her and finally I responded to her letter. I explained I had forgiven her years before because I couldn’t move on without doing it. I also explained that did not mean I could have her in my life.
It’s difficult to do but I felt it was necessary for my own sanity. I know it was the right thing to do.
I applaud you Sherrey!
b
barbara recently posted..Freedom and The Declaration of Independence
Barbara, your words are like balm to my soul! So often, even if people have experienced something similar, they’re unwilling to let you know. Understanding each other’s trials in these circumstances is quite healing. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.
I don’t know how you did it, Sherrey. But I’m so glad you did. And can now share the story with all of us. To God be the glory.
Thank you, friend.
Nikki recently posted..All I Need, and a little bit more
Nikki, how sweet that you came here and read my story! God’s grace is what got me through many a tough day and brought me to where I am. The encouragement Sonia has given me, along with many others, is spurring me on in writing my memoir. Pray for me, dear friend!
Sherrey Meyer recently posted.."My Gutsy Story"
Oh, Sherrey, I knew you had it rough, but this is terrible! I feel so badly for what you went through, but so glad you escaped with a good man and are (mostly) away from the abuse. I love your happy photo. My mother was very difficult, too, partly thanks to her upbringing which I found out about when I wrote her memoir, and she used very threatening control tactics during a particularly traumatic time in our lives. She has in the last throes of Alzheimer’s and is so lovable now! Life is strange.
Linda Austin recently posted..Searching for Jane, Finding Myself: a memoir by an adopted child
Linda, thanks for dropping by and reading my story. I know that our lives are somewhat parallel, despite the cultural differences. I’m reading your book now and find it an encouraging source of writing to heal. I know about the love that comes near the end of our mothers’ lives — it is a point of grace.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I know God will use this to help many people who will read this find courage to stand up to abuse they may be experience, or find comfort in the fact that they are not alone.
Sweet Sara, you are such an encouragement to me! A busy mama, homeschooling, and still you find time to read my story and leave words filled with such love. 🙂
Sherrey Meyer recently posted.."My Gutsy Story"
Sherrey,
You have a beautiful soul and great courage! To endure all those years of emotional abuse, face your mother holding a knife, and then put your arms around her illustrates your generosity of spirit. It must have been hell for you growing up. I can relate to your story as my mother also made constant suicide threats, and a couple of attempts, when I was a child/teen.
Penelope J recently posted..Never Give Up on Your Dream
Penelope, thanks for your compassionate words written from a heart that has been twisted and turned as well. You too are courageous to share with me a little of your past. I appreciate your taking time to comment.
Sherrey Meyer recently posted.."My Gutsy Story"
Sherrey, thank you for sharing this story. That is a very Gutsy Story. I can’t imagine your fear in that moment but agree that it was probably a defining moment for you. I cannot imagine growing up in that type of environment.
Thanks again for sharing.
Aaron
Aaron, thanks for stopping in and taking the time to comment. It wasn’t an easy life as a child or as you can see even into adulthood. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to help others who have lived or are living in similar situations when and if I finish my book. Until then, I do my best to share what I’ve lived when and where I can.
Sherrey Meyer recently posted.."My Gutsy Story"
Dear Sherrey,
Wow! The more I read of your story, the more I see courage. You have endured such horrific circumstances and yet your compassion and love for your mother shine through all this pain. I am left feeling that your mother had her own story that she was living out. Your writing is powerful and beautiful. It shows insight beyond all the childhood pain and leaves me with a sense of hope that you are moving beyond it as you attempt to understand and put it all in its place. I rejoice with you that you have found happiness in your life. Absolutely gutsy and truly beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
Blessings,
Kathy
Kathleen Pooler recently posted..Why I Chose to Write a Memoir as Opposed to Fiction~ A Guest Post by Memoir Author Laura Dennis
Kathy, I appreciate your taking time to read more of my story. As I’ve said before, you are my strong encourager and inspiration in my newest blog effort and the writing that I’m doing. As you might have noticed, I’ve not been as active on reading blogs and commenting or on social media. I’m trying to think through a better writing schedule amidst family responsibilities and summer! The fact that I know you’re out there watching out for me and spurring me on makes the process somewhat easier. Thanks again — it is healing!
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Promises Made, Promises Relied On
Wow! You are a gutsy and a brave woman.I bow to your bravery. I can’t imagine myself to have a mother like yours. Sorry but I have to tell this, she’s selfish for the happiness of her family. Good for you that you made her realized her fault and her shortcoming as a mother.
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Born27, thank you so much for your comments. Yes, she was selfish, a selfish born out of a tragic childhood herself. I didn’t learn about her childhood until much, much later when she was dying. And I didn’t learn it from her. I’m sure she didn’t realize its impact on her as a parent. I must say that despite what I’ve written here, there were some hints of goodness as I observed her in other roles. I’m hopeful to share some of those as well in my book. Again, thanks for your comments and your truthfulness.
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Promises Made, Promises Relied On
What a relief to hear your words: I understood it was her problem and not mine…seizing my life… Thanks SO much for sharing. When we’re hard done by, so many of us think it’s our fault and that we are to blame, or that we’ve done something wrong; I’m learning how unique each one of our lives are, and that it’s a duty to be faithful to ourselves too; I’m so grateful to you. Best wishes for the future.
Carol, I’m so glad you found relief and perhaps a bit of healing in reading my story. You are one of the many reasons I write — to heal myself and hopefully help others. Your words have encouraged me more than you’ll ever know.
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Promises Made, Promises Relied On
Sherrey, I applaud you for sharing your story, and for standing up to your mom. It may not have been the moment she changed, but it was the moment you broke free from her chains. How empowering! I, too, grew up believing I was responsible for the happiness of others. We were not made to be THAT sacrificial. I’m proud of you for your boldness, and for finally stepping up and saying, “No, I will not be your prisoner any longer.” I’m SO pleased that you have found such a wonderful man who makes you laugh, and who loves you for YOU. Thanks again for sharing. 😀
Juanima recently posted..Why I Wrote My Story
Juanima, I don’t know how I missed your comment earlier, and I apologize. We’ve been dealing with serious health issues with my husband’s older brother, and it creates travel for us.
Thank you for your comments on my story. Speaking of boldness, I recall that you too reacted in a bold way to change your life also. Wishing you well in our contest!
Thanks for stopping by and for also telling your story. 🙂
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Five Minute Friday — I’m Here!
Sherrey,
Wow, you were so brave….what a defining moment for you. I just can’t even imagine. Thank you for sharing your story. Such a sad situation with such a beautiful outcome…that pic of you & your hubby is sooo great!!!! What joy and love.
Tricia, thanks for your gracious comments. Life wasn’t easy then, but God has shown me there is a beautiful side to life and I glory in it and His promises!
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Five Minute Friday — I’m Here!
Sherrey,
I cannot imagine growing up in a household with a mother that was so controling and uncaring. My mother was a very caring and loving soul who always supported me. I am glad that you were able to break free of her empty threats to control you and that you found such a wonderful man. That is such a great picture of you and hubby as you look so happy.
June, so glad you took the time to read and comment on my story. I’m just glad that Bob and I found each other, and I had the courage to move ahead with our marriage to one another. Thanks for voting!
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Five Minute Friday — I’m Here!
Never knew this when we were growing up in Donelson but don’t know as a child what I could have done. If my parents did anything wrong for me was to spoil and love me too much as I had a difficult time when I went off to college which was the first time away from home…whew, by the grace of God I survived my wild ways during those years.
Pat, thanks so much for reading. Yes, I managed to keep mama’s emotional and verbal abuses to myself. Who was there to tell who could help? It would be her word against ours, and parents generally have the upper hand there. I look back now and realize there were reasons for her parenting skills, and it will become apparent if my book is ever published!
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Five Minute Friday — I’m Here!
Sherrey, you are indeed one gutsy lady! I am sorry that you were brought up in such turmoil. It takes a lot of strength to overcome such a history. I feel honored to know you a little better today.
Tereasa recently posted..You Are Wonderful!
Tereasa, if anyone knows the hurt of abuse from people who should love you, you do! If anyone has seen turmoil, you have! Sister, I think we’ve trod the same path except for the source of our pain and hurt. I’m so glad you’ve read my story and know me better, and thanks for voting! Also, please note that my blog has moved to http://www.sowingseedsofgrace.wordpress.com and come visit me there!
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Simply Sunday: A Meditation
Those 2200 miles can make all the difference! I’m glad you were able to surmount your difficult childhood, my cyber-friend.
Teresa Cleveland Wendel recently posted..Crop Circles in my Backyard
Teresa, thanks for taking time to ready my story and to comment. You can’t believe how much difference those miles made! Like a bird being let out of a cage . . . they helped climb up and over the difficulties. 🙂
Sherrey Meyer recently posted..Where Lilacs Still Bloom by Jane Kirkpatrick (ISBN 9781400074303)
Dearest Sherrey, Thank you for sharing your story and putting your experience to written word. Often the only personal power one has with a troubled and volatile mother is distance and the courage to invoke this is immeasurable! You are inspiring!