Sonia Marsh - Gutsy Living

Life's too short to play it safe

Are French Parents More Gutsy?

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After reading an article in the Wall Street Journal about “Why French Parents are Superior”  by Pamela Druckerman, it finally hit me that some of my child-rearing methods are actually more French than I care to admit. I’m not French, but I spent a good chunk of my youth growing up in the suburbs of Paris.

My three sons are adults now, and grew up in the U.S., however, Druckerman brought up one main difference between French parenting and American parenting that struck a chord.  She said, “Who’s the boss?” She then gave the French answer:

French parents say, “It’s me who decides.”

  • Who’s the boss, you or your kids?

Right after my husband, Duke and I, made the decision to uproot our family from Orange County, California, to Belize, Central America, I remember being asked the following question, almost daily: “So what do your kids think about your decision to move to Belize?”

At the time, I thought this was a stupid question. Now I realize why.

Belize, Ambergris Caye, near our house.

Below is an excerpt from a chapter in my book: Freeways to Flip-Flops: Our Year of Living Like the Swiss family Robinson.

I’d become obsessed with Belize.

I’d tell anyone who cared to listen–including complete strangers in supermarket lines or at the gym—about how we were uprooting our family to live in Belize. Sometimes I imagined a glimpse of envy on a stranger’s face. That’s when I shifted into salesperson mode, trying to push them into doing the same.  Duke warned me, “Don’t tell everyone about Belize; we don’t want people flocking there.”

Some people thought we were crazy. Others were skeptical.  “Yeah, sure,” they said. “Let’s see if you really go ahead with it.” The second group always asked, “So what do your kids think?” to which I snapped back, “Who makes the decisions in your family, you or your kids?” Many looked shocked, but my European accent helped. It allowed people to classify me as an alien, despite my U.S. citizenship.

There are many times in life when you are faced with tough choices, and you need to make a  decision. As parents, we cannot always cave in to what are kids want; we have to decide what’s best for the entire family. We need to guide and lead, and my experience with French parents, is that they are more strict, and perhaps more “old-fashioned” when it comes to child-rearing.

I could go on about so many aspects that Druckerman covers in her article: “Why French Parents Are Superior.” For example: teaching your kids polite manners, family eating habits, and disciplining your children, because I’ve seen it done the French way and the American way.

Since I’ve lived in both France and the U.S., as well as the U.K., Denmark and Belize, I can pick and choose what’s right for my family. That’s what I love about travel, and the expat life, you get exposed to different ways of looking at the decisions you make in your life.

What about you? Who’s the boss, you or your kids?

***

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Comments

  1. Shirley says

    I was once told that the key to any culture is in the prevailing parenting practices. I’ve observed very strict parents with happy children and also unhappy ones. Same for permissive ones. What children need most is love. When they have that, and know it, they can explore the world, either from tight boundaries or very wide, flexible, ones.
    Shirley recently posted..How to Write a MemoirMy Profile

  2. Sonia Marsh says

    Shirley, that’s so true. Love is crucial. I do think there has been a tendency in the baby boomer generation parenting style, to cater to our kids’ wishes, and so they are used to having what they want NOW. What do you think?

    • Sonia Marsh says

      Hello LittleMe.

      i read your post and left a comment on your blog. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

  4. Anne Schroeder says

    Druckerman casts a broad net in her criticism of American parenting. That it makes me so angry might indicate a bit of truth. The hype over this book will be great for sales.

    I parented a generation ago and we were definitely in charge. My kids love to share the tough parent decisions that were unpopular with them. Parents parent according to societal values. Unfortunately, many of the rules start with the schools.

    France is a small community with urban values. They have to use “inside voices” because their society demands it. On the flip side, I never saw so much dog manure on sidewalks in my life than I did in Paris. Nobody picked it up. Everyone felt they were socially superior and they taught their children the same value.

    Materialism has created the American mess we have today. France spent the last generation recovering from shell shock of the war and appreciating what they did have–quality over quantity. Maybe the next generation of Americans can turn it around.
    Great blog.
    Anne Schroeder recently posted..When Your Body Says “No:” The Stress/Disease ConnectionMy Profile

    • Sonia Marsh says

      Hi Anne,

      Thanks for your insights. After spending fourteen years in France, and returning every year, there are many changes as far as the streets of Paris being clean. I think there are parts of Los Angeles that look third world, with the homeless sleeping outside with their large “trash” bags.

      As far as pride, and the “quality over quantity”; that’s ingrained in the French, even the kids today. Perhaps that’s why their eating habits are so different from the U.S.

      As I said, traveling opens our eyes to different ways of doing and seeing things in life.

  6. BG says

    This is exactly why we enjoy living our life with our children, overseas…away from the US. I am not trying to bash my country…our family just works better being away from the influences and generational methods that are occurring right now in the US.
    We have lived overseas since our children were quite young, and every summer back in the US, we receive many comments about how well behaved and mannered our kids are…some even say, Geez they seem so old for being kids!

    That’s how we like it…
    BG

    • Sonia Marsh says

      Ballerina Girl,

      Thanks so much for returning. I completely understand what you’re saying about raising your kids in other parts of the world. The benefits are tremendous, and exposure to so many different cultures helps to grow up and take charge. Would you like to submit a “My Gutsy Story” on my blog about the change you see in your kids?

      • BG says

        Sonia
        Thank you for the offer of posting a story on your blog. I have not read them so let me look at a few, get a feel for what they are and then I will let you know.

        Again, thank you
        BG
        BG recently posted..LoveMy Profile

  7. Bethany153 says

    It’s nice to know about the culture of different countries. I think it’s not that parents in France are strict in a wrong way, but it’s better to be strict with their children when it is for the good and welfare of their children.
    Bethany153 recently posted..More Home Security TipsMy Profile

  8. dawntracy34 says

    There are different answers from different cultures. But in our family, our parents are the boss, yet, they give us all the understanding and love that makes our family happy.
    dawntracy34 recently posted..Women's Health BlogMy Profile

  9. sue says

    I also think the article was way too much hype. People parent differently according to the personalities of their children. I also think the gender of the child also makes a huge difference. I like to think my family as a group makes decisions but we are the final decision makers. We are a family, a collective group!

  10. Penelope J. says

    Sonia,

    Agree wholeheartedly with you. I also support the French way of bringing up their children. You made an important point where you described how people would ask what your kids thought of your move to Belize. French parents may seem strict, but look at the results. French kids are polite, have good manners, and know without reminding them who is the boss.

    From what I have seen, in the U.S., kids often have the upper hand from the start. By the time they are two, many already rule the roost at home. This creates a sense of entitlement so that further on, they tend to bargain with, coerce or bully their parents into giving them what they want. French parents are more likely to place boundaries and their kids have to prove that they deserve to be given what they want.

    Both methods of child-rearing have their advantages and drawbacks, and arguments can be made for and against. What can’t be argued is that the boss in the household should be the parent or parents, and not the kids.
    Penelope J. recently posted..Never Give Up on Your DreamMy Profile

    • Sonia Marsh says

      Pennie,

      So sorry I meant to respond to you sooner. I was wondering what it’s like to raise kids in Mexico, where you lived. Are the parents there more “strict” and are the kids polite, like you mentioned above about the French kids. I really believe kids need guidance and boundaries, and I know it’s easy to get influenced by your environment, and the entitlement attitudes in your town/city/country; hence our move to Belize, where I wish we could have stayed longer than we did.

  11. MuMuGB says

    Sonia, you are a citizen of the world! As for French parenting, well, I don’t think that we French have any secrets. That said, you are right: as parents, we make decisions on what we believe to be best for our children and of course we inform our children but we don’t let them decide. As an example, we decided to put our daughters in a British school because we thought that an Anglo-saxon education would make it easier for them to work anywhere in the world when they are adults.
    Now they are thriving.
    I suppose that we are all doing what we can…As a Mum, I feel exhausted all the time, despite being French!

  12. Sonia Marsh says

    Hi MuMuBG,

    I was curious if you speak French to your kids at home. Anyway, it sounds like you have the best of French and British parenting.

  13. Ruthy says

    Hi Sonia…I like how you have stated the post here…This is awesome and an inspiration to all of us here…
    Ruthy recently posted..SuntecMy Profile

  15. Carol says

    Hi Sonia,
    Interesting question. And yet French people tend to complain here about the lack of authority both in the Education system and the family. A specialist recently pointed out on the radio that parents and children have slowly been switching roles over the last decades or so in France i.e. parents are seeking love from their chidren instead of the other way round! That’s what would be complicating matters…Should we be gutsy and expect less of our kids?! I’d love to have an American opinion on this.

    • Sonia Marsh says

      So maybe things are changing in France too. Although I have to say, I still think proper meal times are ingrained in French children from birth, even in pre-schools, from what I’ve heard.

      • carol says

        Yes, very much so, and there are still so many traditional families around, but it depends on where you live, and whether you’re “cool” or not, here too! I think it’s about doing what we cope with best . Thanks for bringing up the subject, and allowing us to grow…

  16. barbara says

    I am a fan of ‘Because I said so.’ I don’t hear that enough from parents today. Too much negotiating becomes more confusing that children clearly knowing who has the final say.
    b

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