“Be careful what you say to people, they will instantly judge you.” Those were my husband’s words of warning before we moved to Belize.
Gossiping in Belize is a way of life, and to some, a full-time job. I tried my best to stay away from it but soon realized, the mere act of opening my mouth qualified as gossiping. It was a major source of frustration. In a large city you could say what you wanted and get away with it, but not here. I guess living with the same small crowd, gossip became a form of entertainment.
During our first expat luncheon at a local restaurant, I accidentally critiqued a village close to our hut, stating that it wasn’t safe there because an elderly American lady had recently been attacked at gunpoint by a Belizean thug. An expat rolled her eyes, and in a tone of voice that brought me back to Miss McNulty, my Irish, spinster math teacher at boarding school, she said, “It’s just as safe in the village and for your information, that woman didn’t get robbed in the village.” For the first time since elementary school, I realized relationships were based on first words. They either liked you, or they crossed you off their list. Since being liked was important to me, I tried to make peace by saying, “I’ve only been here a week, so what would I know?”
I’d never lived in a small town before. Lagos, Paris, Copenhagen, Glasgow, Brussels and Orange County, California didn’t qualify as rural. My husband, Duke, said that it’s the same all over the world. As a child, he lived in a small rural village in Pennsylvania, where gossip spread like a virus.
Two weeks after we moved to the island of Ambergris Caye, I discovered that most women seemed to be doing lunch. Flattered when two English expats invited me, I realized that drinks and gossip were the purpose of these get-togethers. I sat between them feeling like an insect under a microscope. Into which species and sub-species would I be categorized? It reminded me of high school where you have to be analyzed and categorized, into a specific group. The “cool group,” the “drinking group,” the “non-drinking group,” the “geeky group,” the “she’s got money group,” or the, “she’s not a threat to us,” group.
I learned to be careful before I spoke. Trust was a word that came up frequently among expats. “It takes several years before you know whom you can trust?”
Do you hear lots of gossip where you live?
Any comments on trust, what it’s like to meet new people, or anything else you want to say?
Let’s exchange opinions. I shall answer you on Wednesday, BELIZE BUZZ day and thanks to Rob-bear for responding to what others said last week.
Interesting post as usual!
I find it interesting that it was the ex-pats that liked gossiping in Belize… I would have thought that it would be the locals gossiping about you. Or did they do that too?
I steer well away from gossip at work as it is usually small-minded and brings out the worst in me and others.
We live on a small street with only 21 houses so that sometimes there is gossip here. Once again, I try to not to participate in it…
When I lived in China, I was one of two foreigners in a university where most people had never ever seen a foreigner before. I think they gossiped about me for the full three years I was there!
Is it gossip? Or is it just a way of understanding our world? I think that in relational societies, people talk more about each other because those little facts are so much more important. When the group is more important than the individual, it becomes important to hear everyones opinion about everything, even about people.
When I first moved to Latin America I found the gossip a little suffocating, but then I came to understand that it was not harmful, it was a necessary part of community living.
At least thats my take on it.
Gossip is the very reason I prefer large cities!
I was raised in a number of small towns in Minnesota and got my fill of gossip there. Amazing how many people are related to each other — and blood always comes first, no matter what they say…
Pearl
Thank you for sharing! I hate gossip, although I get sucked into it all the time. Where I live, and the religion I belong to, gossip can sometimes spread like a cancer and really do some harm. I’ve seen members of my church fall away because of what others have said. It’s terrible.
I think we also have to be careful about the comments sections in blogs… and even our own posts. What we say here is usually public. I’ve put my foot in my mouth a few times, and it’s painful.
I feel that there are different types of gossip. There’s the conversational gossip (which happens a lot in the village I come from in Norway) and then there’s nasty/catty gossip which I have witnessed a lot where I lived in SA.
In Norway (my village)I am the topic of gossip because I come and go so much and because everybody wants to know ‘what’s happening next with Caroline’. It’s like bush telegraph. I don’t mind – I know that it’s because they care and they all know me from I was a child. It’s just ‘what’s she up to now’ gossip – quite harmless.
In SA it was more a ‘how many augmentations has that woman had’ or ‘is he having an affair because he’s speaking to her’. Lots of speculation about who had how much money and how much they were worth etc. I find that kinda gossip overwhelmingly boring and petty. Not interested in listening to it and I’m quite happy to demonstrate this by getting up and just walking away. It takes people by surprise but it is a very efficient method to show people that you are not interested in listening to petty nonsense.
Wicked mind – wicked heart I say when it comes to bad gossip. I stay clear away from such negative energy.
I’ve always been open and honest- wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I have recently learned that there is ALWAYS someone waiting in the wings…..to stab you in the back.
It breaks my heart and spirt.
I’m allergic to it!!Gossip made me run away from my hometown Bruges and move to Antwerp. A divorce in a small community is SOME entertainment to some people!
I have a degree in Theatre Arts and went to a very small school for most of the time before graduating from San Francisco State— gossip was one of our classes it seemed. Even the professors were fair game and participants. At that age it was still very much high school and seemed focused on making you feel bad and gossipers feel better about themselves.
The it became the “gringa in ALL Mexican family” type gossip were it was not meant to make me feel bad but they certainly did not understand me.
Now it is the expat life. Here in Tulum there is such a wonderful mix of people from all over the world, different religion, sexual orientation, mind sets— gossip does not seem to be as negatively based. Although I still get looks for putting my kids to bed my 9:00 even though they are 4 and 5.
My friend lives in Oxkutzcab and is the ONLY white person there. The gossip brigade is fully aware of everything that she does and everyone knows about it. Luckily she lives her life exactly like she wants and does not apologize for it.
Sorry- that was longer then I meant it to be. 🙂
Gossip can be dangerous, of course, but I have been surprised that among the expat women I knew in Armenia and Ghana there was so little of it, at least not the nasty kind. There was always the keeping-up-with-each-other type of talk. Also, I try to be very aware of not doing it, and I think people around you catch on to that.
Hello Gutsywriter,
Thank you so much for commenting on my blog. I enjoyed reading your profile – what an amazing transformation. We don’t live on a beautiful island but we do live in a small town and I understand the gossip thing. My experience is that it takes a few years before you find the right group to mix with and trust. There’s always gossip in small communities – some healthy, some not so healthy. I’m sure you will find your place. By the way, it’s interesting to meet someone from Denmark. My adoptive parents were Danish so I was brought up in a household speaking Danish. It’s a long time since I’ve spoken the language otherwise I would’ve signed off in Danish. Anyway, all the best.
Hi
On our first posting in Venezuela I wasn’t aware of the gossip issue. But I learned it the hard way, and lost a very good friend because of it.
Later on I was much more careful. I never gossip, and when someone gossip around me I usually ignore it.
Sharon
There is always gossip going around at work, but I try to avoid it. When I lived in Key Largo, FL we were a relatively small community and everybody knew everybody’s business.
Gossip is so destructive and yet it´s something most people do. But I agree, in small towns it´s so common. Over here in Fil. too! It can ruin you and your business, it can ruin your good name and it´s so hard to stop it! It can also cripple you. For fear of gossip you can´t do what you would really want to.
I try to steer clear of gossip, but when I do hear some “juicy” stuff, I am the person that tries to find out, what is true about the story. I hate gossip and what it can do and try to stop it, if I can.
I know of a friend who is having marriage problems and will not go to seek professional help, because she fears the gossip that will ensue…
So true what the bible says in Proverbs 20, 19 A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much
Great Post Sonia! Yes gossips tend to thrive in all kinds of places. I have that sort of thing going on around the small town near where I live. Worse when I’m the Editor of the local paper. I hear all sorts of silly things said about people. Of course I take all of them with a grain of salt. Enjoyed this one immensely.
Nope; I don’t hear much gossip. I’m pretty much “out of the loop” in gossipsville. But then, the folks I hang around with are people I’ve known for years — we tend to either inform (with serious stuff) or joke with one another. Never have had much use for gossip.
I find that, as an ol’ bear, I tend to instinctively trust or not trust people. I look at the eyes, and the face. What story does these eyes, this face, tell? And I can usually tell in a few sentences of conversation whether I really want to spend time getting to know this person. Of course, sometimes I’m wrong, in which case I amend my behaviour.
I think perhaps I should go and live in Belize. I have a tendency to say what I feel before I think. Not always the best way to make friends and influence people. I didn’t do that when I lived in Germany. Comfort level was different. Gossip wasn’t anything like it is in the U.S., or I didn’t tune in to it in the same way or it comes when people are out of college and living in neighborhoods. I’m not sure. I still don’t hear much of it when I go back. Family woes, and how! Gossip, not so much. And I never thought about it much until now. Huh.
I have read articles and such, that propose that gossiping is a way for people to connect socially with other people.
However, that doesn’t mean I think it is okay to spread lies about other people. But if you “gossip” by exchanging opinions about something someone has done is, I see no harm in that.
Sorry I’m getting late into this discussion. I regard gossip as extremely destructive to trust and thus to relationships. Since I am a minister will you permit me to quote a verse here? “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife.” Proverbs 26:20-21.
Gossip is to relationships what kindling is to a fire … it gets it hotter.