I stumbled upon a young mother, the mommyologist and her blog post called: Embrace Your Body, week from August 9-13. Please hop on over if you want to participate in her survey.

After giving it some thought, it occurred to me that when we are young, wrinkle-free and gorgeous, we keep beating ourselves down. We believe that we are not attractive, we are fat, because we say, “My thighs are just so freakin’ huge.” But our face is fresh and did I mention “wrinkle free,” and yet we say, “UGH! My stomach is totally hanging out!” (Italics taken from mommyologist)

We spend way too much time focusing on the negative aspects of ourselves, when we could be using our energy on developing our strengths.

• Why do we do this?
• Does it help?
• If so, in what way does it help?

I love getting older. I feel fortunate that growing older has brought me other gifts I didn’t have as a younger woman:

•  confidence
•  taking better care of my health and body
•  realizing the importance of learning new skills and staying energetic

Why do we spend so many years beating ourselves up? Why is it easier to think negative thoughts about ourselves than to be positive.

Imagine if we shifted all that thinking to something LOVING and HELPFUL and BELIEVED in ourselves. Wouldn’t we be able to accomplish our goals and dreams for ourselves, our family and perhaps even our world?

Why does “letting your kids go” seem so painful and yet so right?

As I write this post, a book sits on my desk, it’s title reminding me of what I’m going through right now: Hold me close, Let me go, by Adair Lara.

On August 3rd, I shall be childless for the first time in twenty-two years. My sixteen-year-old, decided to attend NMMI (New Mexico Military Institute.) 

Jordan is my youngest son and I have to let him do this. I’m scared to let him go, however, these are purely selfish reasons. He’s excited about changing schools and looks forward to the challenging environment he shall be facing.

A shaved head, no cell phone, no personal laptop, strict hours, uniform, clean rooms, two hours of study hall per night, leadership training, sports, half an hour of free-time, and he’s excited. It was his choice, and with the school system changing, (unfortunately for the worse in California, due to a bankrupt state,)  I think he will get more attention and a better education at NMMI. We’ve already received a letter from his education counselor asking us to keep in touch with all his teachers. They are all available for forty-five minutes every morning before school starts.

As I look at the role of parents I ask myself the following:

• What is our goal?
• How do we measure success?
• Is there a specific time when parenting ends?

 What do you think?

My definition of parenting is:

Parenting is like balancing on a tightrope: it requires constant adjustments, even when your child is no longer a child, but a parent like you.

Bye, Jordan. I love you and wish you all the best in your new life away from home.

There is no question that a child who is difficult, or a teenager who is defiant, has an effect on the entire family.

I am going to show you how it affected my family and what I believe are three ways to alleviate or resolve the problem. I’m not a therapist, but I am a mother of three sons, who has been through the teenage years, and still has one at home (until next week, when my sixteen-year-old leaves for NMMI. More on that in my next post on Monday August 2nd.)

When my oldest son turned thirteen, he started dating girls with their own set of problems. As a mother new to, and not happy with the idea of her son dating, I discovered that a girlfriend’s psychological problems, would become my own, or at least affect my family. This is what happened, and I never expected it.

The girlfriends:

• lacked parental supervision, guidance and support
• had the “rescue me mentality,”
• latched onto my son for attention.

   I felt stuck in the middle, wondering if I should help the girlfriends, feel sorry for both of them that their divorced parents didn’t seem to care, or take care of my family. I wanted to do all three. I soon learned that taking care of my son, my relationship with my husband and my two younger sons, was the most important thing I could do.

After a couple of stressful years, feeling uncomfortable in my own house, I realized my husband and I were giving more attention to the problem child (something most parents do) while his brothers received leftover attention. My middle son, who thrived on a peaceful environment, spent more time at his friends’ house on weekends than at home, and our youngest spent more time playing video games.

There are many different ways to handle a problem child, or a defiant teenager and I’m sure a behavior therapist can help with each individual situation. There are of course varying degrees, depending on the child’s issues.

This is what worked for us:

• Talk with a therapist who specializes in child/teenager problems.
•  Pull your child/teenager out of the environment/situation. Change schools in your neighborhood if necessary, pull the child away from the problem.
• Try to resolve the problem as a family. Make the child, teenager feel you love him enough to do whatever it takes and want him to be part of the family.

So how did we resolve our problems? In or case, after therapy and a tough love program with our son, we took a very unique approach: we moved the entire family to live a simple life in Belize, Central America. This decision was not just spontaneous, but based on our research, wanting to challenge our kids to grow by living a very different life than the easy, materialistic one they were familiar with. My husband and I also desired adventure and change.

I am always happy to listen to your stories, suggestions and comments.

As a mother, there were times when I asked myself: “What did I do wrong?”

When my oldest son turned nine, I saw signs of defiance; he didn’t respect me. I thought that by staying home, and sacrificing my own career, my three sons would turn out polite, compassionate and well behaved. After all, they had a loving home environment. But was I too soft? Would my son have treated me differently had I been a working mom? Would he have shown me more respect had I put him in daycare?

All these questions have spun around my head while I’ve been revising my memoir, about a mother wanting to heal her family and moving to Belize, where after many trials and tribulations, her family comes together.

For years, parents have been made to believe that a problem child is their fault. Now it seems, mental health professionals have reached a different conclusion.

In a recent New York Times article, “Accepting That Good Parents May Plant Bad Seeds,” by Richard A. Friedman M.D. I came across a mother of three sons, who asked the same question as me, “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong?” about her rude and defiant oldest son. After testing, the son showed no signs of any learning disability or mental illness. In fact he tested in the intellectually superior range. Like this woman, her other sons were well-adjusted boys. So the therapist asked the question, “If the young man (17-years-old) did not suffer from any demonstrable psychiatric disorder, just what was his problem?” Dr. Friedman admits his answer may sound heretical, especially coming from a psychiatrist, “But maybe this young man was just not a nice person.” He continues, “While I do not mean to let bad parents off the hook…the fact remains that perfectly decent parents can produce toxic children.”

This is a new way of thinking of problem children, and “there is little, if anything, in peer-reviewed journals about the paradox of good parents with toxic children,” Dr. Friedman says.

In his summary, Dr. Friedman states, “For better or worse, parents have limited power to influence their children. That is why they should not be so fast to take all the blame–or credit–for everything that their children become.”

I would urge you to send the article to anyone who may be going through a rough time raising their kids, as it may help them stop blaming themselves.

Do you remember when you were a little kid and you couldn’t resist tasting every single chocolate in that large box your mom received as a gift? I do. And then what? Did you wrap your arms around your stomach and say, “Mom or Mum (if you’re English) my tummy hurts?”

This was a pivotal moment in my life as I recall mum saying to dad, “let her eat all of them. She’ll feel sick and learn a lesson.” This was my mother’s approach. She said the same thing when I turned ten, and my best friend, Lilian, and I melted a pound of raclette, (a Swiss cheese) in a frying pan, and mopped it up with fresh bread. We both loved food and sometimes overdid it. Suffering the consequences of my actions, at a young age, taught me to take charge of my actions. Had mum or my dad said, “Don’t eat more than one or two, you’ll get fat,” I know this message would have remained ingrained in my mind for life.

Where I live (not far from Hollywood) there is tremendous pressure for young girls to remain skinny, and I cringe when I hear fathers tell their daughters, “I shall pay you for each pound you lose,” or, “When you lose fifteen pounds, I’ll take you to Disneyland.”

My mom was interested in child psychology, and applied various principles to the way I was raised. I have tried to incorporate some in the way I raised my three sons. One, was to always have candy in a bowl on our coffee table, that way it was not considered “forbidden.” An interesting thing happened: After my son’s second Halloween, they were able to make their candy last for months. Other parents would take the bag away, and ration it out for their child.

Another principle I call a “gift” from both my parents was their attitude towards education. Neither one of my parents went to college. They were teenagers during WWII. Instead of forcing their choices onto me, as to which college I should attend, and what I should study, they let me decide, and therefore I was motivated to do well for myself, and my future. When I was sixteen, I really wanted to become an air traffic controller. My parents never criticized my choice by saying, “You realize how stressful that job is,” or, “Sonia, you have bad eyesight, they won’t accept you,” like some people said.” Their attitude allowed me to think things through and make my own decisions. Their lack of “control” put me in charge of my education.

My mom passed away when I was twenty-five. At the time I lived in Paris, and my father was fifty-seven. I shall always be thankful to my dad for not saying, “You can’t move to the U.S. You’re my only child. Who will take care of me as I get older?” He let me follow my dreams, and not once, has he made me feel guilty about my decision.

The three gifts I have tried to pass onto my children during childhood are:

• Be responsible for your actions
• Be responsible for your choices
• Live your life, live your dreams.