Inspirational Archives - Page 40 of 45 - Sonia Marsh

Are women divorcing for frivolous reasons?

September 5, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

Marriage takes work, lots of work, especially if you want it to last, and these days women are getting divorced not because of infidelity, but because of boredom.

In the article, “Women and Divorce: Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…” it seems that women are questioning if there isn’t “something more” to life and end up walking out even with a decent husband. Why is that?

Are women becoming more selfish?
Can we blame books like Eat, Pray, Love?
Are women going through a new kind of mid-life crisis?
Have women become narcissistic ignoring their vows, “Until death us do part”?

Apparently 7 out of 10 divorces are initiated by women, and the numbers are soaring among the over-45s, with break-ups in that age bracket increasing by 30 per cent in a decade. Writer Fay Weldon recently said:

“Women in their fifties instigate divorce because they are bored and want to be free and single again, not because they want the emotional and sexual excitement of another man.” They’re encouraged by a recent vogue of ‘finding-yourself” literature, headed by the international best-seller Eat, Pray, Love, which recounted author Elizabeth Gilbert’s decision to divorce her husband and embark on a round-the-world odyssey of– depending on your view – inspirational self-discovery or nauseating navel-gazing.”

Julia Llewellyn Smith, gives the example of Lucy Valantine who, as she approached her 40th birthday, decided to leave her husband after a short five-year marriage.

“On the surface, life was perfect,” she says. “We had a gorgeous Victorian house in the Home Counties, I had a great job with a blue-chip company, and my husband was a lovely chap. He was kind and gentle and my friends all loved him. There was nothing wrong with him, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted to change my life.”

Her husband was devastated when she left him, and in what sounds like a mid-life crisis, or perhaps a rebellious phase, she decided to:

Get a tattoo
Buy a Harley-Davidson motorbike
Ride across Australia and New Zealand
Teach English in Costa Rica and China
Work in a Zambian orphanage
Travel through Siberia and Mongolia.

Now, six years later, Valantine divides her life between the UK and Spain, where she runs a travel agency. Her ex-husband is happily remarried with a baby.

Just like Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about spending nights sobbing on her bathroom floor in her memoir, Eat, Pray, Love, Valantine did the same though for opposite reasons. While Gilbert questioned whether she still loved her husband, Valantine questioned whether she did the right thing in leaving her husband.

Julia Llewellyn Smith, author of “Women and Divorce: Goodbye darling, you’re just too dull…” states,

“Fifty years ago, a woman such as Valantine would have been rare indeed. Divorce was taboo and few women had the guts, let alone the financial means, to brave the social stigma of walking out on a decent husband simply because she felt there must be “something more”. Until recently, with nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, the most commonly cited reason was infidelity.”

This desire for women to do what they want, to live a more fulfilled and exciting life is something I myself am experiencing today. Just like Valantine, I have a strong desire to teach English abroad, perhaps in Laos or Vietnam, to travel to Australia and New Zealand, to help children in Africa. You can keep the tattoos and Harley Davidson though. The good news is I’m not leaving my husband. He knows I’m always dreaming of new ways for us to do exciting things in life, and I know we shall within the next five to ten years.

What I find interesting is the new trend among baby boomers who are retired to go in different directions. This doesn’t mean they divorce, but simply that they allow one another to pursue their dreams. ABC shows this new trend in a video, “Together but Apart.” My friend Bob Lowry from Satisfying Retirement has a different opinion on this matter in his post “This Can’t be the Answer.”

So I believe that all relationships, however good, go through bad patches. There will be times when you drift apart and you need to find a way to reconnect. The difference is those who stick it out, who manage to live their passions together, and who don’t stop their spouse from experiencing a new opportunity just because, “they’re not interested,” will survive.

As with anything, marriage is about give and take and also about being flexible. It should not feel like letting go of your dreams just because your spouse has no interest. Who wants to feel imprisoned?

Do you think women are changing? If so how and why?

Photo credit

How can I turn my passion into a job?

July 14, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

Alissa Everett photo

How many of us dream of getting paid for something we love to do?

Lets take a look at Alissa Everett’s adventure. Ever since she was a kid, she wanted to be a National Geographic, photographer. Like many, she grew numb in her ‘cubicle’ job working 100 hours a week, and applied to business school “because that’s what everyone else was doing,” she said. After looking at what it would cost to study something she wasn’t even passionate about, she decided to toss her acceptance letters and save her money. Instead, she took time off to think, and do what she loved: snapping photos while backpacking in Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, and Burma.

The 2003 invasion of Iraq was a turning point for Everrett. She decided “to go where the news was happening,” hoping that this would help her get her photos published. She happened to be in the right place at the right time and showed her photos to an NBC producer who ran them on Dateline. Everrett has continued her photography career with her own twist: a desire to capture the more mundane human dramas such as a rape victim refugee starting a sewing business in the Congo. “I’m drawn to under-the-radar stories that have passion, hope, and optimism,” she says, and her goal is to tell the stories of people who can’t. (You can read her full story on page 36, of the August 2011 issue of The Oprah Magazine, by Bill Fink.)

Although I haven’t met Alissa Everett in person, I’ve met several people who succeeded in turning their passion into a career like Pamela Slim, EscapeFromCubicleNation.com , a seasoned business coach, author and professional speaker who helps frustrated employees in corporate jobs break out of their business. Karen Walrond, a former engineer who is now an author and a photographer and wrote, The Beauty of Different, “a book that will convince you that the thing that makes you different might just be your superpower.”

So how do you know if you have enough passion to turn it into a business? Is there a business you’ve been dying to start for years? One way to find out is to ask yourself this question: Can I do this for 15 hours a day, seven days a week? If your answer is “Yes,” you know that you have found a passion that you could possibly turn into a business. According to personal finance expert, Suze Orman, it takes this level of commitment, energy and perseverance to get a business up and running.

Jen Lemen and Andrea Scher developed the concept of Mondo Beyondo dreams. I heard them speak at the World Domination Summit in Portland, Oregon in June 2011. They asked people, “What are you dreaming for yourself?” and started this series of Mondo Beyondo classes which you can sign up for on their website.

Here’s what I learned from their presentation.

Trust: Whatever you dare say out loud.

Courage: Take tiny brave steps.

Vulnerability: Is that wobbly space, you’re not sure it will act out.

Intuition: Listen to your heart

Flexibility/Openness: Look at life in a new way

So as I continue forging ahead on my path of writing, blogging, learning and becoming a motivational speaker, hopefully with the necessary ingredients stated by Suze Orman’s of 15 hours a day/7 days a week, well almost, I ask you to please share what you or someone you know is doing to become the person you’ve always wanted to be. If you’ve already turned your passion into a career, we’d love to hear what you do.

How am I going to support myself?

June 30, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

A friend called me the other day and said, “I’m scared. My dad gave me an ultimatum to be out of his house by December 2011, and I don’t know where to go, and how I’m going to support myself.”

My friend is not in her twenties, but in her late fifties, and her husband passed away a few years ago. She does receive some rental income but it’s often sporadic and not enough to live off.

Her voice quivered and she started crying. She needed help, and instead of the, “Poor you” speech, I decided to think about her options. I put myself in her shoes and we brainstormed about what she could do. This made her focus on some of her own desires for her future.

“I wish I could take a year off and travel,” she said.

“How would you pay for it?” I asked, thinking about the article I had just read by Chris Guillebeau’s on How to use frequent flyer miles to go anywhere.

She didn’t answer. I know she’s frugal, and doesn’t expect to stay in luxury hotels so I suggested she could teach abroad.

“You know there’s a group called CELTA, which offers a teaching English abroad certificate. I believe it takes 3 months to train and then you work for a minimum of three months in a school. Apparently it’s cheaper to get certified abroad rather than in the U.S. You’ll get paid and that way you get to learn about the country, the food and the culture.”

Other options we discussed were to apply for the Peace Corps. This is a 27- month commitment, but they are seeking men and women over the age of fifty, and they do cover health care and living expenses. For more information about the Peace Corps: Life is Calling How Far Will You Go?

I’m a firm believer that there are always options in life. At first, we may not want to try them because they make us get out of our “comfort” zone, but every experience offers at least one positive nugget, if not more.

There are many women who fear being alone and stuck in middle-age with no money, no job and no companion. Especially after a divorce or a loss, they cannot see their future.

Here’s a list of options I came up with for my friend. Many of them can also be applied to couples who no longer have a job or a steady income. Some of them are temporary, or can turn into a career if you so choose.

Accommodation Options:

Sell your house, if you’re a home owner, and move to a cheaper part of the country.

Downsize to a smaller house.

Rent out rooms to (foreign) students to supplement your income.

If you’re single you can rent a room in someone’s house. I know one woman who divorced and is now renting out several rooms in her house to help pay the mortgage.

Job Options (including accommodation)

Apply for jobs as caretakers. The Caretaker Gazette, offers list of short and long-term stays in homes around the world where you either get paid to take care of properties when owners (often rich) are traveling around the world, or else live for free in someone’s home and watch their pets, water their plants, etc. while they’re gone. Some positions are long-term.

Work for a storage company, and sleep in one of the units. I knew a married couple in their fifties who did this short term. (Takes guts!)

Volunteer abroad. (Some pay for room and board.)

Peace Corps with added benefits during and after. There are jobs offered on their website.
Teach abroad. (CELTA certificate)

Work on a cruise ship/lecture/teacher/personal trainer/gift shop.

Take care of an elderly person full-time.

More Traditional Options

Look for a full-time job. (Not easy to find in this economy.)

Sell your house and move to a cheaper part of the country where cost of living is less

Rent your house out and collect income while working a job that offers room and board.

Have a part-time job and do some pet-sitting at people’s homes when they’re on vacation.

These were the options I discussed with my friend. Are there other options you can think of? Are you, or do you know anyone in this situation?

1000 Awesome things: A way to look at your life

June 27, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

In one month, Neil Pasricha’s life changed. His wife came home and said, “I don’t love you anymore,” and one month later something even more painful happened to Neil. He called his best friend Chris on a Sunday evening and they chatted and laughed about a TV show they were watching. The following morning Neil found out that Chris had committed suicide.

For months, Neil found it difficult to think about anything good in life and needed a way to focus on the positive. So one day after work, he came home and logged onto his computer. He decided to start a blog called “1000 Awesome Things,” where he would write about universal things that we love, but don’t talk about. For example waiters and waitresses that give free refills without us asking, or peeling a hard boiled egg and getting one big chunk of shell off at once. Slowly over time, Neil was able to put himself in a better mood.

At first, no one read his blog except his mother. Gradually he received dozens of hits/day, then hundreds and one day he received a phone call from someone who said he’d won the best blog in the world award. At first he thought this was a scam. “So which African country do you want me to wire my money to?” Neil thought, but when ten agents wanted to represent him for a book deal, this led to the Book of Awesome a year later.

Neil says that what helped him grow was to take a look at life in terms of the 3 A’s.

Attitude
Awareness
Authenticity

Attitude: Everyone has highs and lows in life, and when we experience lows we have two choices on how to handle them:

a. Twirl and swirl in gloom and doom forever.
b. Grieve and then chose to move forward, and take baby steps into the future.

We need to focus on the second choice.

Awareness: Three-year-olds have a fascination with “seeing things for the first time.” They love to explore and we need to go back to being a three-year-old again and remember how we felt when we experienced things for the first time. As adults for example, driving and hitting all the green lights, smelling fresh bread being baked, simple things.

Authenticity: This is just about being you and being cool with that. Neil gives the example of the tough football player, Rosy Grier, born in 1932, one of the original Fearsome Four, of the LA Rams, who happened to love needlepoint, and who came out with a book, “Needlepoint for men” after he retired from football.
When you’re authentic, you follow your heart and put yourself in places and situations that you love and enjoy.

How has this changed me? It brought out my desire to explore my local neighborhood with fresh eyes. It made me think about how to get unstuck from a rut.
So last week I decided to visit the Laguna Beach Visitors Bureau ( about ten miles from where I live) and pretended I was a tourist so I could discover new places and events close to me.

I found Jazz Wednesdays at Hotel Laguna.
I discovered the Laguna Culinary Arts with classes for cheese lover, pasta lovers, Date night Couple classes in cooking.
The Sawdust Festival offers Studio Art classes year-round on Saturdays taught by professional art instructors.
The Laguna Art museum has an exhibit with Noguchi, a Japanese American artist.
The Laguna College of Art and Design offers financial aid to students (would I qualify I wonder?) and offers a Rodin exhibit in July-September.

I walked around town with my new three-year-old fresh eyes and found treasures, I’d never noticed before.

Sometimes we forget to look around us. There is more that surrounds us than we now.

How do you make your life awesome?

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Image of child and flower courtesy of Uncommon Scents

Which do you fear most? Success or failure?

June 20, 2011 by Sonia Marsh

We’ve all heard about the fear of failure and the fear of success, this is not a new topic, however, what about outside pressures?

If you’re a writer hoping to become a published author, or you’d like to start your own business, you’ve probably been through the following scenario. You share your plans with others, then feel like a failure when things take longer than expected while you’re in the process of accomplishing your goals.

I’m here to say, “Don’t.” “Don’t allow pressure from anyone, especially parents, close friends, a spouse or even your kids make you feel like a failure because you’re still in the process of following your dreams.”

You will always find those who say, “That will never work,” followed by “I told you so,” when things aren’t proceeding as planned, but that’s exactly when you need to step up to the challenge and keep going. Please don’t allow negative comments to influence your desire to follow through with your goals.

I listened to the video above where Dr. Regina Dugan, director of the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), speaks about how fear of failure can limit success. DARPA is the agency that gave us the GPS and the Internet, as well as other now-everyday technologies. Dr. Dugan says they encourage their researchers to fail because you cannot have a big success without failures, and you cannot fear failure in order to have a big success. (Dr. Dugan talks about failure, success and risk taking at the 3:20 mark.)

You can find more in this article by Russell Bishop, “Is the Fear of Failure Holding you Back.”