No Genie in The Bottle
“My Gutsy Story®”-Ginger Simpson
I married my high school sweetheart and expected to spend eternity together. He worked as a police sergeant, and I spent my days as an Academic Counselor. Like most couples, I thought we had a perfect marriage–the average American family, two kids, two cars, two careers. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. One of our sons was grown and married, and the other just graduated high school. And then after thirty-two years, the proverbial crap hit the fan. I’m not sure how, or more importantly, why, but my husband found something he loved more than me, Jack Daniels.
At first the occasional drink didn’t concern me, but when his JD over ice became a nighttime ritual, I decided it was time for a talk. I told him I didn’t understand how a non-drinker suddenly became one who imbibed regularly. I tried to make him see how insecure his drinking made me feel. I offered to go for counseling but he insisted everything was fine. Of course, I continually asked him if I was the reason he turned to alcohol, but his answer was always ‘no’–he was completely happy and only drank to take the edge off his day. He promised to stop, but what he actually meant was he wouldn’t leave the booze where I could find it. Yet, every cabinet I opened had a bottle inside (some filled, some half empty), even the peg boards in the garage had JD hidden behind them, yet he insisted he didn’t have a problem.
Even when forced by his supervisor to go for rehab, he lied and told me he’d volunteered to go for us, but I later discovered the program wasn’t his choice. He either went or was forced into retirement. So, yet another lie to placate me.
Wanting someone to change isn’t enough. They have to WANT the change, and he obviously didn’t. I don’t think he believed I was strong enough to honor my threats of leaving. His ten-day rehab proved a waste of time that didn’t kill his desire to drink but made him a tearful drunk. He obviously got in touch with his emotions but only exposed them when he drank to excess.
At a time when I was looking forward to midlife security and being proud of our achievements as a couple, I had to decide if living in continued fear of what I’d find when I walked inside the front door was worth it. I’d already found him passed out, with a cigarette smoldering in the carpet and the house in disarray more times than I could count. Our youngest son had long ago stopped asking his friends over because his dad didn’t grasp the concept we all shared the same home. Our feelings ceased to matter.
The day I came home and found my husband…this man I had loved for so many years, passed out, naked, and soaked in urine, his usual cigarette burning yet another hole in the carpet we couldn’t afford to replace, was the day I decided to make the change. I couldn’t stand one more minute questioning my own integrity. Had I caused him to turn to drink? I went to an Al-Anon meeting and listened to stories like mine, but no one there had solutions. Others continued to live in the same hell, day after day, but I knew I couldn’t. Choices are pretty limited when you’re faced with a difficult one. If someone refuses to change, your only option is to remove yourself from the situation. I’d moved right from my parent’s house to a duplex I shared with my new husband, so I’d never lived alone. Could I find the inner strength I needed?
Starting over at forty-nine wasn’t an easy decision. Somehow, I mustered my determination, packed some clothes and walked out, leaving him with the house I once loved, and everything except the few things I needed. Luckily, I had shared my story with a co-worker who gave me a key to her house and told me she had an extra room. I took her up on the offer. Living in one bedroom, surrounded by nothing that belonged to me was hell. I don’t know which was worse–my living arrangements or still trying to work things out in my head.
I’d tried to make my husband understand that love is comprised of trust and respect, and every time he lied or I saw him in a repulsive state, the loss of trust and respect chipped away at that emotion. I’d often wondered about the saying “I love him but I’m not ‘in love’ with him,” because it didn’t make sense to me. Suddenly, I knew what those words meant, but not out of want.
God granted me sisters for moral support, and one, gratefully, for financial. With her help, I was able to get into my own apartment for the first time in my life and see what being independent was truly like.
Once our house sold, my husband relocated to the apartments next door to mine. I tried several times to tell him I was moving on without him, but he apparently didn’t believe me–or didn’t want to. In desperation, I put my feelings in writing, and explained I couldn’t help him heal. In my written plea, I also told him I wished him well, would always care for him, but in order to open new doors, I had to close the old ones. That was my determining moment–picturing him standing on the other side while I moved blindly into a new life, not knowing what to expect. That decision was the most frightful I’ve ever made. Sometimes, the unions we think are the best are missing elements we don’t realize until we seize the moment and make a change. It was the most difficult, gusty move I’ve ever made, but it worked out for the best.
GINGER SIMPSON BIO:
In 2002, Ginger Simpson decided to attempt writing her own novel, and in 2003 her first offering, Prairie Peace, was published. Since then, she’s dabbled in other genres but always seems to migrate back to her favorite historical era. As all authors continue to learn through the process, so has Ginger, and her debut novel has been recently released with a new cover and title, Destiny’s Bride. Although her biggest dream has been saying ‘yes’ when someone asked if her book was at Walmart, she’s happy with the progress of ebooks, but after repeated questions, she recently tucked one of her books into her coat and smuggled it into Walmart just so she could take a photo of it on their best-selling shelf. She never said it had to stay for long. http://www.gingersimpson.com
Please join her on Twitter @mizging
Ginger has several books on Amazon. Check out her Author Page.
SONIA MARSH SAYS: The phrase that struck me in your inspiring story is:
“Wanting someone to change isn’t enough. They have to WANT the change.”
This applies to everything in life, and I am also sad to see how women so often “blame” themselves when something is not right.
“I continually asked him if I was the reason he turned to alcohol.”
Thanks for sharing your “My Gutsy Story®” story and the fact that you left, and started a new life after 30-some years will help other women in the same situation
Would you like to submit your “My Gutsy Story®” and get published in our 2nd anthology?
Please see guidelines below and contact Sonia Marsh at: sonia@soniamarsh.com for details.
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What a heart-breaking story – glad it had a happy ending.
Lady Fi recently posted..Of history, patience and flowers
Thanks for reading my story, Lady Fi. Making the decision was difficult, but knowing I had no other choice was even harder. Sadly, my ex’s drinking caught up with him and he paid the ultimate price, passing away three years ago. I just hope he knows he was loved.
Thank you so much for sharing such an intensely difficult story. I applaud you, Ginger, for making the hard decision and taking the steps to move on with your own life. Best wishes to you!
Jenni Gate recently posted..Expat or TCK?
Jenni,
Thank you for taking time to comment and read my story. We all face challenges in our lifetime, but you sort of think that after thirty-two years you might have dodged a bullet. I suppose there is really no time when you can consider your marriage “safe.” I sure never expected mine to end, but like I said…although leaving was a really difficult decision, it was the best thing for me. I’m lucky that my children understand. Well…they aren’t really children anymore, but they’ve never held leaving against me. *smile*
Dear Ginger,
Thank you for sharing your courageous story. Bravo to you for finding the strength to take care of yourself and remove yourself from the situation. I have a similar story –to be published soon in a memoir–so can relate to what it takes to find serenity. There is a saying in Al-anon ” You didn’t cause your husband to drink and you can’t control it” that fits what you have said. I rejoice with you in your happy ending!
Kathleen Pooler recently posted..Confessions of a Memoirist: My Serial Personalities by Sue William Silverman
Kathy,
I was thinking of your story all along as I read Ginger’s. I know your forthcoming memoir will offer so much to think about in relationships, marriage, and self-help.
Sonia Marsh recently posted..Had I caused him to turn to drink?
Kathleen,
Best of luck with your upcoming memoir. I certainly realize from my visit to Al-Anon that there are more of us than one can imagine. Even though I didn’t find the solution I so desperately sought, I did discover some serenity in the fact I wasn’t alone in my struggle. I had a wonderful “boss” at the time who used an expression I still apply to how I live. “Life is like a tennis match; you can only play one side of the net.” I’ve always been a net-jumper and first aid attendant. *lol* The transition has been long and hard, but I’ve given up trying to fix boo boos and keep the ball in play. Life is too short to lose any time we have. Now that I’m a senior citizen and friends are passing, I’ve learned you can either make lemonade or the best of what God gave you. Thanks again.
Thanks for sharing this Ginger. Your strength to do the right thing despite terrible discomfort and uncertainty reveals the power of your heart. It sounds like the ending of one story was the birth of the next.
Best wishes,
Jerry
Author of Memoir Revolution
Jerry Waxler recently posted..Getting to Know Memoir Author Sue William Silverman
Jerry,
I have a zillion stories….most of them funny, but ending a thirty-two marriage under such circumstances was nothing I ever expected to write about. The second chapter of life hasn’t been without challenges of it’s own, but I certainly discovered many things about my ex that I had blinded myself to because I had created the perfect little life in my own mind. Just goes to show that things are not always as they appear. I’m looking at my nineteenth wedding anniversary with awe and wonder, and ever so thankful that I found my “now” husband on that day I dared venture into a single’s dance. (That’s a whole other story.)
Thanks for much for stopping by and commenting.
You’ve hit the nail right on the head. Thanks so much for sharing what life is essentially all about: not staying stuck in a rut, but finding the strength and determination to get out of it;
I’ve just learnt so much from you:
-You have to close old doors in order to open new ones.
-Making changes makes you see better.
-You can’t always keep the ball in play; life is like a tennis match, you can only play one side of the net.
-life is too short to lose any time, we must make the best of what God has given us.
So many thanks to you, and wishing you all the best!
I’m so awed that I’ve inspired you. True, this was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made, but it was the wisest. My ex never faced his problem, even though he proclaimed to love me more than life. Sadly, he’s gone now, and I can only hope he’s found the peace he sought for whatever reason. The most difficult part of divorcing was the continuing feeling that I may have in some way been responsible for his problem, but I’ll never know. What I do know is that we all have to be accountable for the decisions we make and we can’t blame anyone but ourselves if things go astray. Thanks for much for making my day.
Ginger Simpson recently posted..Meet Cindy Johnson from Shortcomings – #YA
Wow, Ginger, what a lot of courage it took for you to move on after 32 years. I feel your pain all too deeply. Hugs to you for having the guts to make a better life!
Diane,
Thank you so much for your comment, especially your understanding. When you’re put in the position to face a major change, I think it’s human nature to worry that people will question your motives and think you selfish. I don’t think I’ve ever done as much soul-searching as I did back then. Luckily, the good Lord helped me find my way and I’m happier for having had courage, but sad that something I thought would last a lifetime, didn’t.
Ginger Simpson recently posted..Meet Cindy Johnson from Shortcomings – #YA
Everyone has said it, but I’ll say it again. Brava for making the change when you had to and for writing about it now.
You got my vote.
Alison,
Thank you so much for your support. Sometimes when life hands you lemons… Well, you know the rest. 🙂
Ginger Simpson recently posted..Friday Freebits with Ginger #FriFreebits #blogshare
So glad you found the nerve to start a new life! Bravo!
Thanks, Alison and Ann. Leaving wasn’t an easy decision, that’s for sure, but all in all, I’m still here and living life to the fullest.
Ginger Simpson recently posted..Meet Cindy Johnson from Shortcomings – #YA
Ginger,
Having observed you during your ex-husband’s death, I can attest to the absolute pain you went through during that time. Your story now is a reflection of love to give strength to others who may have been a victim of this frightening and life-destroying disease. It’s so important for people to know they are not alone. Alcohol makes victims of everyone involved and it is with certainty that I can say that, just like you are helping others in being here, sharing your own experience, you also provided that support to your ex-husband. Maybe not by living with him everyday but he knew you were there. He knew you loved him and he didn’t die absent of that knowledge. Love you bunches.
Thanks, Karen. As always your encouragement gives me strength and determination to be my best. Of all the things I’ve done in my life, meeting you was one of the most positive. And to think we met on the Internet….who said relationships like that can’t thrive? *smile*
Ginger Simpson recently posted..Meet Cindy Johnson from Shortcomings – #YA
Hi Ginger,
What a moving story, and I am sure many people could relate to it. What you did took great courage and I am so happy that everything fianlly turned out well for you.
Regards
Margaret
Thank you Margaret. I wasn’t sure how things would turn out, but when you get to a certain point, you know that what lies ahead can’t be any worse than what you’re walking away from. Even with that positive thought, leaving someone I’d loved for so long wasn’t an easy feat. I still don’t think I’ve grasped the fact that he’s dead. Living 2000 miles apart made it easy to distance myself, both geographically and emotionally, but he still found time to call me on all those special occasions to let me know he still loved me–even the day marking our engagement…he never forgot, ever!
Ginger Simpson recently posted..Meet Cindy Johnson from Shortcomings – #YA
Ginger- This brought me tears of understanding… Sometimes things don’t work out the way you think they will. You’re story is inspiring and reminds me that sometimes you have to find your strength to make choices for your own peace of mind, your emotional and mental health and for your heart. Life is too short to do anything but live it to the fullest and not allow situations beyond your control dictate your path, even if it means having to veer from the original road to find a different unknown destination that could be full of possibilities you hadn’t hoped to find.
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You shared a very intimate part of your life with style and grace. Bravo, Miz Ging! My vote is cast.:)
some times it takes a second time to get it right for us I know I found my soul mate when I meet kevin, and I am glad you found Kelly and you are my sister I love you wished we were closer to each other to do more together , but I love you guys. glad it has turned out to be a happy ending ,
Thanks for sharing your story, Ginger. I can only imagine what heart searching you had to do before you finally made that break.
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This reminds me that we all have our stories, our turning points, our defining moments that make us change from the life we thought we wanted. And how only you can know what those moments are. Your story inspires me to hope that I’ll find my true love someday after changing paths. Thank you for sharing Aunt Ginger!
A very honest, moving, and beautifully written, gutsy story Ginger. Very inspiring!
I can’t wait to read how you allowed yourself to love again. That takes courage, too.
Reading this story is so inspiring, reminding me that you don’t have to live in a bad situation. There is always a choice, and it is yours alone to make. For some it might take a bit longer than others, but when you make that choice to make a change for the better, your life is so much better for it.
Your story is so similar to mine that I cannot begin to share. I applaud you for being gutsy enough to start a new life. It was a hard decision for you. My decision led me to a new life that I never dreamed possible. I wish the same for you. Oceans of blessings, Sharon
As one who grew up in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father, I know first hand how difficult this must have been for you. After putting up with years of abuse and violent rages, my mother also left my father. Unfortunately, years later, my younger brother and I both inherited my father’s legacy and it destroyed much of our lives. I spent 15 years of my life in prison and my brother is there to this day.
I know that ultimately, we all make our own decisions in life and I made those that took me down the paths I traveled. Today, I do not drink and I lead a relatively normal life with my wife and daughter.
Alcoholism is a terrible problem and it will take you places you should never go. But wherever it takes a man, the decision to go there will always be his.
There is nothing you could have done to change your husband. I respect you for waiting as long as you did before giving up. Some men do change (I am a testament to this), but most don’t. You had to decide for yourself when enough was enough and from the sound of your story, you made the right decision.
God bless you, Ginger.
Jameyson MacDonald recently posted..Acts of Kindness
Jameyson,
Thank you for sharing your own life and providing such a positive message to Ginger and everyone else who might be going through the same. Congratulations on turning your life around.