Sonia Marsh - Gutsy Living

Life's too short to play it safe

“My Gutsy Story” by Sara Padilla

by

When my father called that day, I was preparing to head home and clicking through my email, making sure I’d responded to everyone I needed to that day. It was quitting time, and it felt like Friday. Most of my coworkers had gone home or to the pub down the street.

 When I glanced at the tiny blinking light and the caller ID read Falls Church, I knew it was bad news. My father never called me at work.

 I could never in a million years have imagined it would be that bad.

 My younger sister, the middle child of three girls, was a doer, a thinker and a contributor. If you didn’t know her well, and you happened to read her resume, you might be a little jealous. What kind of person manages to run ten miles, read Don Quixote, take a Portuguese lesson, tutor immigrant high school students, and bake homemade chocolate chip cookies to include in a care package for a friend all in the same day?

 Not that she bragged about it. Not a bit. My sister was just one of though naturally inspired people who felt compelled to spend every minute productively. Except, perhaps, when she was sleeping. She was not a morning person and she could definitely exemplify crankiness at its best when her rest was interrupted.

 So when my father told me that she had been killed, I changed physiologically, spiritually and emotionally. Even professionally. At the beginning, I did not know exactly how I was changed. But as the years unfolded and my reflection upon her life and my own grew deeper, I found myself gravitating toward playing a more significant role.

Sara's sister Liz

Professionally, I didn’t long for change, though I did quit my job less than eight weeks after she died, and move 3,000 miles away to a city that I had never stepped foot in before. My husband and I had frequently discussed moving out west, and a job opportunity (his, not mine) gave us the chance. It turned out that leaving Washington, DC was a bit of a drag for my career, but six years later, I’m finding my way.

 Spiritually, I was angry, angrier, and even angrier in those first years after Liz’s accident. I prayed often and reluctantly, and today remain unconvinced of a higher power that is capable of intervening in the physical world (so what’s the point of prayer?). But my belief in something bigger than all of us does give me some comfort, and I found my tolerance for people involved in organized religion actually increased after losing my sister. It’s not for me, but I can respect those people that actually practice their faith. One of my mother’s best friends comes to mind. A progressive, intelligent and talented woman, she is also a practicing Catholic. Once upon a time, I confess I would have found the two versions of this woman to be incompatible. Today, as I observe her composure, energy and commitment to friends and family, while also going through her own personal challenges, I find I can accept those who take comfort and strength in ways other than my own.

 Physiologically, I became depressed and anxious. I panicked when unable to reach my loved ones by phone and sometimes behaved irrationally. I drank more. A lot more. I ran a lot, intermittently, which was actually a bonus – when I was running daily I ate better, drank less and ran several personal record times. Four years after losing my sister, I was finally diagnosed with moderate post traumatic stress disorder, and unenthusiastically began a course of anti-anxiety medication. The change was profound. I no longer rely on any meds, but for a year or so, they really helped. And so I find myself among those millions of Americans who take mood-altering drugs, most definitely over-prescribed and not entirely understood. I wish I hadn’t had to resort to this, but the anxiety, insomnia, nightmares and overwhelming sadness wasn’t going away.

 The theme of some grief workers is that “time heals all wounds”.

 In my case, this wasn’t, and isn’t, true.

Emotionally, and I’ve touched on this, sadness poured into the depth of my soul and seemed determined to stay. The sadness was, and sometimes still is, heavy and dark. But the moments of joy, lightness and breath, so fleeting during those first few years, have become more and more frequent. The direction in which I am moving is now one I actually want to move in. I am no longer being swept away with the madding crowd of grief, anger, and despair. I look to my sister as an example of how to live my days. I do not long to do as she did, or attempt to do as much as possible in each of my 24-hour allotments. But I wake each morning (even when I’m exhausted) with a feeling of purpose and contentment, and more so on each passing day.

Yes, some days are harder than others. I know, too, that change isn’t always a forward-motion concept, and I’m still riding the roller coaster of grief. But I know I’m definitely on board for the journey.

Sara Padilla and her baby

  *****

Sara Padilla is a freelance writer, book reviewer, and blogger for Sunshine and Salad (http://sunshineandsalad.com/). Sara has over fourteen years of experience working in public health and program management in the United States and internationally. She holds a master’s degree in Public Health from Tulane University and speaks Spanish fluently. Sara resides in Portland, Oregon with her family.

 *****

Sara, your story is so moving, and it shows how grief resulted in a major change within you.  “I look to my sister as an example of how to live my days.” I am inspired by how you can help others, who have experienced a loss in their life, find a way to become positive in their outlook towards the future. I truly thank you for sharing your story with us. Please leave your comments for Sara, and she will be over to respond.

*****

Do you have a “My Gutsy Story”?

To submit your own, “My Gutsy Story” you can find all the information, and our sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story” contest page. (VIDEO) Submission guidelines here.

*****

Please share the “My Gutsy Story” series with others on Twitter using the #MyGutsyStory. Thank you.

Comments

  3. Kathy Goldin says

    Sara, your story touched me – now that I live in grief every day with no end in sight I understand and appreciate those “moments of lightness and breath” where things almost feel like they used to and I wish they could go back to. Thanks for your inspiration and love! XOXOXO Kathy

    • Sara says

      Kathy, I am thrilled to see your comment. I know you have been experiencing difficult times and I am touched knowing that we have both the sorrows and joys that challenge brings. Wishing you strength and energy in the new year. xo right back at you!
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  4. Sarita Dua says

    Sara,

    Your story brought tears to me eyes. THANK YOU for sharing it and putting yourself out there for others to learn and be inspired. You are amazing and your honesty about you changed really moved me. We lost a teacher in our school just 2 weeks ago, suddenly and expectedly. I know it is trite but to live a life full of love and no regrets – that is what it is all about.

    Thank you again… Much love to you and your beautiful family.

    • Sara says

      Sarita, I’m inspired by your energy, authentic and powerful communication skills, and commitment to your community. Thank you so much for reading and for your comment. I’m sorry to hear of the loss in your school system and sending you healing thoughts.
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  5. Heather McKenzie says

    Sara, you are such a beautiful soul, and through your words I can feel Liz’s spirit and feel how you are one. There’s nothing like a sister. A sister is the very best mirror, so I honor that light which resides within you both…actually, within all three of you. Thank you Sara for sharing yourself from a very deep place, that is such a gift and I receive it! You are in my awareness often, and every bit of love that I feel for Liz is sent to you, Becky, and your family to support you in your healing and growth <3

    • Sara says

      Heather, I’m so touched by your words. I hadn’t thought about the mirror image as it relates to sisters, and I just love it. What a powerful way to describe this unique relationship. I am grateful to have those who knew her in my life. Thank you!
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  7. Joy says

    Thank you for sharing so openly!
    This stands out to me: “The sadness was, and sometimes still is, heavy and dark. But the moments of joy, lightness and breath, so fleeting during those first few years, have become more and more frequent. The direction in which I am moving is now one I actually want to move in.”
    The two key elements..the feeling of moving in a direction rather than being swept away, *and* the idea that we do not “have to” remove anything, we may experience light and joy and peace and love, *even with* sadness.
    All of this is you, so beautifully *you*..each and every piece..what you reflect to me is determination and strength and honesty and the joy within possibility. And I thank you for that!

    • Sara says

      Thank you for this wonderful reflection. You are exactly right – the message I was trying to convey is that joy co-exists with sadness, and hope co-exists with challenges…I loved reading this comment. Wishing you all the best!
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

    • Sara says

      Thank you for this wonderful reflection. The message that joy and hope may co-exist with sadness and the unknown is one that I live every day. Wishing you all the best!
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  8. Kathy Padilla says

    You once again have moved me …
    Thank you for the inspiration you give me
    I love you
    Mom

  9. Wendy Al-Eyd says

    Sara, You are so brave to open your soul to so many and in doing so you help. I think about Liz so often. You really are an amazing person. I am moved by all of your blogs and just want you to know that I am very proud of you.
    Wendy

    • Sara says

      Wendy, this is a powerful comment that means a great deal to me. Thank you. I can only move forward at a pace that is supported by my amazing friends and family. I am proud to count you among my true friends.
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  11. Gretchen (VA) says

    Love you! I wish that you did not have this story to tell, but I am so impressed with how open and thoughtful you are about the journey. xxoo

  12. Allison says

    I do not share your gift for writing, so I will only say that it is simply lovely. The way you expressed your story leaves most of us able to relate, even if our own details are slightly different. Wishing you much success.

  13. Sonia Marsh says

    Sara,

    I am truly moved by all those who have come to read and respond to your “Gutsy” story, which proves that we all need one another and can help others who are going through a tragic loss in their lives. Thank you for sharing and helping us understand how it is possible to get through a very difficult and unexpected loss within a family.

  14. Cristina Bejarano says

    Sara,
    Thank you so much for sharing this, for being so frank and brave. I didn’t have the pleasure of meeting your sister but meeting you was a wonderful gift and I confirm that after reading your note. My heart is with you!

  17. Nezzy says

    Oh darlin’, first of all I’m so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful sis, she sounds like and amazin’ woman as are you.

    Your story is sad, compelling and promising all at the same time. Your sister would be so proud of you. Can’t ya just feel the warmth of her smile shinnin’ down on ya.

    Gutsy, this was a great guest post. I’m sure enjoyin’ these.

    God bless ya and have a beautiful day!!! :o)
    Nezzy recently posted..THE TWISTMy Profile

    • Sonia Marsh says

      Nezzy,

      So happy you’re reading these Gutsy stories. I am learning so much about other people and what they are going through. Thanks to all of you, especially Sara.

  18. Poppy says

    Opening up like this online is something I dont think I could do myself but thanks for doing it and letting us see inside, it helps a little when things need to be reflected on and looked at in their true light.
    Poppy recently posted..Provisional InsuranceMy Profile

    • Sara says

      Yes, it does feel risky in putting this out there – especially when I know family and friends are reading. I hope the message of healing reaches people for whom it is important. Thank you so much for reading!
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  19. Sonia Marsh says

    Sara,
    I know what you mean about family and friends reading and worrying about what they may think, but what you’re doing is what others need to hear, so I thank you, like all your readers.

  21. kj says

    hello sara, you have shared the words of a broken heart, understandable by anyone who has lost access to someone they love.
    a friend of mine, whose daughter died, told me there comes a time when it doesn’t hurt so much to remember. i hold on to that and find comfort in acknowledging that memories of love will deepen, not disappear.

    i am sorry for the loss of your sister. it sounds pretty clear she still walks the path with you. xo

    nice to ‘meet’ you here and enjoy your writing.
    love
    kj

    • Sara says

      I also find comfort in that the memories love deepen rather than disappear. Thank you for your kind words. I am grateful to have her presence right beside me, all the time.
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

    • Sara says

      Thank you, Hazelle. I was 31 years old and my sister was 28. She was a newlywed, young professional and we both hoping to get pregnant soon… so as you can imagine, it was a life shattering event. I often think of her as my two boys’ most special guardian angel.
      Sara recently posted..My Gutsy StoryMy Profile

  23. Jeanne says

    Sara, you and your beautifully written story bring hope and healing. Thank you for opening up about this, for your honesty, for sharing Liz’s light and for showing all those that knew & loved her that she is still very much a part of our lives. Sharing your journey through this heartbreaking loss has been inspiring and transformative – thank you so much. Sending you peace & love!

  29. MuMuGB says

    What a moving story! Thanks for sharing it with us. We all have different ways to deal with grief, but it is always a painful process. Well done for your progress !

  31. Pettina26 says

    I’m glad to learn in your one of a kind experience, It will help one person to open their eyes in the reality of life.
    Pettina26 recently posted..ChamonixMy Profile

  32. Tiffany Musick says

    Sara,

    You are truly amazing. I am so impressed with how open you are in this essay. As someone who has struggled with depression, anxiety and a little PTSD myself, I know how dark it can get. Unfortunately, it is one of those things people don’t really talk about though. I think the best way to help others (and yourself) is to be truly honest about it, like you have been. I am sure you have inspired many. I am so sorry about Liz. I am sending you and your family many hugs. Enjoy those gorgeous children. Nothing like a child to bring joy and light into your life. I know my son has completely changed my world.

    Much love and a big hug!
    Tiffany

    • Sara says

      Tiffany, I am so touched to read your words and appreciative of your candid response to my story. You’re absolutely right that a child changes everything, and by being honest, I offer my best self to my children. I hope we cross paths in the future and so glad we connected here.
      Sara recently posted..Friendship, fadedMy Profile

Trackbacks

Latest from the blog

Top Posts