My checklist is getting checked off. I have the basic necessities covered. There are other details I could obsess over, more material I could learn, extra gear I could bring. But I imagine that I’ll be able to make do with what I have or grab what I need on the fly. I feel pretty good to go! My faculties are sharpening into adventure mode. And my old gumption that has been busting a gut to get loose for a quarter century is now ever present, even at three a.m. when I lurch wide awake from my warm bed in a cold sweat and blurt out, “What the hell am I thinking?”
It’s not that I’m having serious personal reservations. It is simply that moms tend to worry that their families will implode without them. As it happens, I find that I am not in the least fearful for myself. In fact, I discover that I’m as game as ever to take this next leap of faith. The “yee-hah!” exhilaration of climbing out to life’s edge has never entirely died out in me. It’s merely been lying dormant beneath a meticulously constructed, implied housewife persona, a twenty-five year stint of nurturing-mother prioritizing for which I have absolutely no regrets. Everything has turned with the seasons, as they should. And a bygone time has finally come back around, although to what purpose under heaven remains to be seen.
That being said, this go-for-it attitude of mine does pose a psychological incongruity that I do have some measure of difficulty coming to terms with. I am experiencing a powerful, altruistic desire to “go help starving children, be a blessing in the world, touch just one life,” with a hefty side of, “travel, have an adventure, get out there, prove you can still do it,” purely selfish thrill-craving. Like a cup of warm milk with a Wild Turkey chaser. When I ask my husband, who has actual skills and a medical background, if he is planning to accompany me, he replies, “Pami, I have a job I love, responsibilities, the mortgage and college tuitions. I don’t need to go. I don’t even want to go. This is your dream. And yes, I am afraid for you to go. But I know you. And I am more afraid for you not to go.”
No, I don’t want to go without this wise man, but I want to know that I can. I don’t need to fly halfway around the globe to be benevolent but I do need to get back out into the big world. I have no concrete conception of what I am moving toward but the lure of the unknown pulls me like a familiar drug. There is nothing in my life to escape from and yet the passive act of staying put evokes despairing thoughts of, “Oh, if this is all I’m going to do, then just shoot me now!” Some things never change. This is still the same me, just me a little older, me a little slower, me jetting off to Kenya . . . with Ian.
Ian is our son’s pal, the child of a good friend, a physician who personally knows the doctors who are running the program that I am going to join in Kenya. Ian knew about the project from his father and was committed to going even before I was. He is a lot like the “me” of 24 years old. And I cannot fault him for that.
However, I have to say that having one of my children’s schoolmates in on my personal journey of self-reinvention wasn’t in my blueprint. I fear Ian will disrupt my somewhat anal and scrupulously economical organization. I am packing the bare minimum, just what I think I can get by with; for example, one handful of laundry tabs, one small two- in-one bottle of concentrated shampoo/conditioner, one bar of soap, one package of antibacterial wipes separated into several neat little plastic snack bags, and one box of energy bars. One! I envision Ian bumming a tab for his rank clothes, a dab for his cruddy hair, some suds for his grimy bod, a swipe for his germy mitts, a bite for his grumbly tummy. And will I deny him, scold him for being unprepared, admonish him for being selfish, berate him for blowing my cover and outing me as “the mom person” I am endeavoring to leave behind? Never. I am resigned and actually curious to discover how it will all play out between us. When his folks implore me to please look after Ian for them, I tell them that we will look after each other, figuring that I can at least keep myself off the liability hook to that extent.
Truth be told, Ian and I do look after each other. We both prove to be ready, savvy, daring, caring, and gung-ho—intrinsically different, independent explorers embarking on a journey to discover our separate ways—together.
And what grander venue could we dream up in which to have at it than extreme Africa. The Dark Continent looms outrageous and I find I am not permitted not to be outraged. The media blitz has played on this brilliantly. Hollywood is literally and figuratively all over the map with the Dark Continent and they aim to pluck my purse strings. From Oprah to George Clooney, Angelina Jolie to Madonna, HBO to CNN, Bill Gates to U2’s Bono. There are brochures advertising the dozens of religious charitable organizations with their hands out, along with a smattering of non-ecumenical groups. Then there are the governmental and non-governmental organizations, the grants, fellowships, and philanthropists. Africa’s plight is discussed on the floor of Congress and at the annual G-8 summit.
I can’t help but gag on the grisly need, while feeling sick from the force-fed horror. Consequently, I gamely truck right on over to a little godforsaken corner of Kenya. Enter my story—timely, unique, honest, important, shocking, and first-person true.
***
Pamela Bitterman’s first book, Sailing To the Far Horizon, her own story of life, loss, and survival at sea is graphically biographical. It encapsulates the author as product of the first thirty years of her life. Muzungu, the story of the author’s unlikely escapades throughout Kenya, picks up on that journey a couple decades later.
She has also written a children’s book titled When This Is Over, I Will Go To School, And I Will Learn To Read; A Story of Hope and Friendship for One Young Kenyan Orphan. Finally, the author has penned a homily entitled, Child, You Are Miracle. Links to these, plus trailers to her three published books can be found on her website: www.pamelasismanbitterman.com
Bitterman’s writing has emerged amidst her travels, adventures, and finally her marriage and children, her persona as wife and mother – the heart of her; the author as her best self. Her future remains to be seen, and to be told.
***
Sonia Says:
Pamela, thank you for sharing your Gutsy attitude and for being so honest. I enjoyed what you said, ” I am experiencing a powerful, altruistic desire to “go help starving children, be a blessing in the world, touch just one life,” with a hefty side of, “travel, have an adventure, get out there, prove you can still do it,” purely selfish thrill-craving.
I would like to do something like this myself and the fact that your husband said, “This is your dream. And yes, I am afraid for you to go. But I know you. And I am more afraid for you not to go.”
Please leave your comments and questions for Pamela below. She will be over to answer.
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Thank you Sonia, for your kind thoughts, and for this wonderful opportunity. I hope it does us both great good! And yes, we will stay in touch!
Pam
Pam,
You did something I would like to do as far as taking off to help in Africa. I have done some volunteer work with a group of nurses in a Mayan Village called Red Bank, in the heart of Belize. That was incredibly rewarding for me. It sounds like you have a more honest description in your book about what actually happens.
Thanks Sonia. Yes, it is certainly honest with respect to what actually happened to me – albeit an uncomfortable truth.
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Beautifully written Pam. I understand completely what you mean when you talk of your stint of ‘nurturing-mother proiritizing’. I’ve done the same, and like you, have absolutely no regrets of putting that task above everything. But it’s nice for the other sides of ourselves to re-emerge and make the most of our own lives.
Wishing you happiness and adventure (but not extreme) in all your travels.
Thank you Stephanie. This is an aspect of the venture that is truly relatable with moms. I had adventures prior to motherhood, and there is no question that being a parent forever colors these types of challenges, in ways never previously imagined, right?
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
What a wonderfully inspiring story!
Lady Fi recently posted..Of snow and love
Thank you! I humbly recommend the book. It only gets more inspiring.
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Amazing story! I truly admire those who pick up and go to the ends of the earth to help those in need. I don’t share the wanderlust but feel the need to do the same for people in need here at home. Sadly there is plenty of opportunity out there to make a difference, even if it’s just in one person’s life.
Great story!
b
I totally agree, Barbara, and speak directly to that point in my book. We can all contribute, in myriad ways, everyday, from anywhere.
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Pamela, you’ve gone and done what I have not yet had the guts to do. Thank you, and Sonia, for sharing this…it does me good. Another in a great series 🙂
Winsomebella recently posted..Permanent Acquisition
Thanks for reading, and commenting!
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Have you ever read something and you hold your breath and widen your eyes so as not to miss a single thing. Because what you are reading is speaking directly to the nucleus of your soul?
It only happens once in a while and Pam, your words just did that to me. It was like I just had contact with someone from my planet.
Thank you Pam. Looking forward to reading your books, and from what I gather, there is no sugar coating to boot.
Jill Fales
Wow. I hope they (and I) live up to those lofty expectations!! Thank you!
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Pam,
what a lady you are! This world needs brave women like you.
‘Dark Africa’ is not for me. I’d cry all the time. Suffering children break my heart. That’s why I pay annual support for Save the Children organization.
Years ago I volunteered for Mano Mundo in Belgium. That was hard work but rewarding. I might consider some kind of volunteer work in future too…
I do hope global money worship will stop. The gap between rich and poor will otherwise rise more and more…
BLOGitse recently posted..four times S
It takes great conviction to do what you did, Pam; to have nothing to escape from but aching to go and heeding the call in the end. It’s all too easy to remain where it’s comfortable but you took a chance. I like that. Makes me feel more daring and I’m sure it will encourage many more women to do the same.
Pam, I admire your courage to take off on your own. I’ve lived in Africa (Kenya, Ghana) for a total of 10 years and many more years in other developing countries, but I’ve had all my adventures the “lazy” way by having them together with my development-economist husband. He was in the Peace Corps in Kenya and I joined him there, and then we got married, and off we went 😉
I’m looking forward to reading Muzungu!
Miss Footloose | Life in the Expat Lane recently posted..Expat Life: Black Hole Soup
All your comments are so heartening, and your taking the time to write them is so much appreciated! I am deeply touched. However, I offer the caution that some of the accolades may be better reserved for AFTER you’ve read MUZUNGU. As I intimated, the story contains hard truths, and not all of them are about the devastation over there. I reveal some lesser known and exploited travesties, look with compassion but brutal honesty at flawed programs as well as humans, and wrestle with some prickly demons of my own. The truth, as I experienced it over there. Not anything I expected. I so appreciate all the compliments! But it is the thought that this piece (and the book) provokes in others that is the reason for my committing the adventure to print. Read it. Then let me know what you think – honestly! That is my incentive. And if in the process, we can do some good, well then, all the better! We cannot fix what we don’t acknowledge. Maybe not even then…
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Sonia, this is amazing. You have a tremendous following. I have rarely had so many comments on a piece! You should be very proud. And I consider myself very fortunate to have been featured here, and to have “met” all these remarkable women as a result. Thank you again!
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Pam,
I am so happy as you deserve it. I want to order “Muzungu” but have a Samsung Tablet with a Kindle app. So I had to Google which format I wanted to order. I’m sure it’s the one for Kindle. Can’t wait to read the things you’re not telling us, but I can imagine they aren’t what most of us expect. A little bit the same as what happened to my family in Belize. Things are not what you expect.
Right. Let me know if you have trouble getting the book. I’ll see what I can do. Would love to hear your thoughts once you’ve had a chance to read it!
Thanks again!
Pam
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
I’ll try the Kindle version. Will let you know. Sonia. Look forward to reading your honest evaluation of the situation, from what you’ve told us so far.
You are such a generous person. I would like to do charity as well but I don’t have the funds and the time to do so. Someday, I’ll try to help starving children. Which specific badly suffered from famine?
I’m so inspired by your story.
-Chloe
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Everyone in the region. A perfect storm of poverty, disease and corruption totally informs the lives of all who live there. But of course, the children are most affected, as their little bodies are growing and developing, and they cannot physically manage this without proper nutrition. Most people don’t realize that the image of the bulbous distended tummies of African children that we are inundated with in informercials, is caused by their intestines spilling out into their abdomen because they have not had the nutrition needed to effectively grow the stomach muscles required to hold them in place. I saw these little tummies during my time there, but not on all the children. Primarily, however, malnutrition contributes to the bodies inability to fight disease. And this also affects the children most drastically. But please be advised! My story is not all sad and tragic!! I promise. It is even funny in parts – like “MASH”.
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
Pam,
Loved your descriptions of your attitude, feelings, motivations,etc. such as, “The “yee-hah!” exhilaration of climbing out to life’s edge has never entirely died out in me” that drew me into your story. Parts such as your husband’s words to you and your relationship with Ian also provide insights into your gutsy personality. For me, your story here foreshadows your African experience that turned out to be very different from what you expected. I will have to read “Muzungu” to find out.
Penelope J. recently posted..Never Give Up on Your Dream
Please do! And if you are so inclined, please give me your impressions afterwards. Might not be what you expect?
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings
I love your story Pam. I am actually thinking of doing something similar. Just like you, I need to do it for me. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
MuMuGB recently posted..What Makes My Life That Little Bit More Difficult
Thanks. I’ll be rooting for you!
Pam Bitterman recently posted..My Writings