Bob started his blog Satisfying Retirementin June 2010. He gives us tons of helpful advice, and whether you’re a retirement “veteran,” have newly joined the ranks of the “no longer working,” or are still a few years away but have questions, you’re in for a treat today.
One of the biggest adjustments most of us will have to make after retiring is being around another person, all day, everyday. Whether we are the one who has stopped working, or it is our spouse, it is hard to ignore the “extra” person in the room. Marriage manuals tell you that together time is great. They are right. After all those years of leaving the house each day it feels really special to be together.
However, There is a flip side. All that together time can make for a rocky journey if not handled properly. Routines and responsibilities that have been dealt with a certain way are suddenly upended. Here are 4 keys to help make your married life after retirement satisfying and fulfilling.
Spend time on shared interests. Retirement gives you and the other person a chance to spend more time doing something you both enjoy. Notice I used the word chance. This won’t happen just because you are together. It will only happen if the two of you strive to make it happen.
Here is something many of us forget about shared interests: you may have a shared interest you don’t know about yet. Try this: each of you agrees to do something the other person enjoys for a set period of time. If it doesn’t work, drop it and try something else. You just might discover something you love and don’t know how you got along without it.
Develop complementary interests. This doesn’t mean telling the other person how good he or she looks today, though that isn’t a bad idea. I’m referring to combining interests that compliment each other. For example, I like to take photographs and have a decent eye for composition. But, I do not have the patience to edit each photo for color balance, sharpness, or perspective. Luckily for us my wife loves that kind of work and is very good at it. She likes taking photos too, but secretly I think it is just so she can edit them. Our skills compliment each other and allow us to complete a project that neither one of us could tackle as well individually.
Understand the need for private time and space. Each of us must have a period when we are alone. We must be able to simply “be” without having to respond or comment or decide. We must have time to be involved with interests and activities that we don’t share with another. It is important to make it clear you are not avoiding the other person because he or she irritates you. Both of you must discuss boundaries of duties and time so each protects what is important to the other person.
Above all communication is crucial. Effective communication is hard work. It involves a type of listening called reflective listening. This is when you briefly summarize what you believe the other person has said and then respond. Reflective listening is a sign of respect because you are not formulating your answer while he or she is speaking. Trust me. Without strong communication the other three keys won’t matter.
Bob has put together a 61-page e-book, which you can download for FREE.
I have it and am sharing it with my husband. It’s great to plan ahead.
From Building a Satisfying Retirement: How to Make the Most of this new Phase of Your Life
Bob,
I think you make excellent points about shared interests as well as having complementary interests for a happy long-term marriage. These skills should, in my opinion, be developed even before the kids leave home, as you don't want to be stuck staring at your spouse and saying, "What now?" Thanks for your great post on my blog.
Love this post. Although if the economy doesn't rebound soon we'll never really retire.
The principles are right for every relationship whether retired or not.
Now I'm going to download the book.
Thanks!
@GutsyWriter,
You have identified the key to success: figuring out what to do before the empty nest period. Too many couples depend on their children to give meaning and definition to their marriage.
You are very welcome for the post. That's what friends are for!
@Barbara,
Retirement is not going to happen for a lot of folks, unfortunately. But, as you note, a strong relationship really has nothing to do with your employment. It is based on your ability to compromise, share, and care.
I hope you enjoy the book. Thanks, Barbara
Gosh… thinking of retirement already? Here in Sweden you don't have to retire until 67…
So very true, while I am unfortunately nowhere near retirement, my husband has been laid off enough times to up-end our normal routines and expectations, that these same rules apply – and like you also mentioned, if you just follow the 3rd rule, the others don't matter. Great post 🙂
@ladyfi,
Since I retired at 52 I'd be quite unusual in Sweden! Building a solid relationship isn't really dependent on age or job status. But, it can certainly make the years ahead either very pleasant, or more of a rocky journey.
@adrielleroyale,
Sorry to read about your husband's problems. I guess the bright side is you can refine what it takes to make a "retirement-type" lifestyle work before it becomes permanent.
Thanks for the compliment. And, you have some beautiful photos on your blog.
Thanks to Sonja for introducing me to Bob. I retired six years ago and told my wife that I would miss two things: the company of others who were different than me (to which she reminded me that I should get back into theater, where I had found just that mix) and industrial pats on the back (to which she encouraged my continued participation in trade groups and committee work). Both those needs have continued to be met. The other thing we talked about was my weekly routine: tennis one day a week, golf one day a week, aerobics twice a week, cooking an evening meal one night a week and having something on my mind to do the next day that I would think valuable.
Without recounting my success rate, I'll share that we have breakfast together almost every day and then go our own ways until evening. I do the technical stuff that allows her to accept Treeasurer and Secretary positions. We share books and discuss them together (many on disc), we travel together, sometimes to her interests and sometimes to mine, and we share a love of food. Bob successfully describes our satisfying arrangement in about one-third the words.
I look forward to following your blog. Come visit mine.
Thanks DE (Dee),
My wife says that sometimes I am too concise when she would prefer a more lengthy discussion. I'll read her your comment about my economy of words!
Your arrangement sounds ideal. You both are getting private time, while sharing interests and time together. Well done.
I just visited your blog and have subscribed. It looks fascinating. I'll look forward to seeing your comments over on my side of the aisle on occasion.
And, yes, thanks to Sonia for giving me the chance to meet new people.
I like what you said about developing these skills early in a realtionship, Sonia. It will certainly make putting them into practice all day every day a little easier transition.
We were playing with the idea of retirement, my husband working part time. But his heart was not in it because he loves his work. So when a new opportunity presented itself for a job overseas, he became all energized again and so, off we go to Moldova! On the plane on Monday!
We'll plan for retirement, just not yet 😉
Hi Jeanie and Miss Footloose,
Practice makes perfect, even in relationships. I wish I had learned these lessons earlier than I did.
Good luck in Moldova, Miss Footloose. It is great to energized by one's work. Your husband is a lucky man.
Great advice! My husband will retire in five years and I've been a bit worried if we'd manage. I'll definitely keep this list handy.
Hi Lauri,
Thanks for your positive feedback. I'd be glad to send you the entire book. Just visit my blog, send me an e-mail and it is yours. There are enough hints and lists in there to keep you and your husband busy for the full 5 years you have to prepare!
Glad to admit that in our marriage, we have those qualities in spades.
@Robert the Skeptic
I'm so glad to see you back. You certainly have been through a lot lately, and your posts are just as energetic as ever.