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Stop People Pleasing, Start Setting Boundaries

August 14, 2023 by Sonia Marsh 5 Comments

 

 

Growing up, I discovered that people pleasing was the way to get people to like me.

I remember wanting to please my parents, so I was well-behaved, did my school work and said “yes” when I was asked to do something. I often received compliments from other parents saying, “What a sweet girl you are.” My mother would say she was proud of me.

People-pleasing was so ingrained in me from childhood that I wasn’t being true to myself. I had a hard time saying, “No” to requests, and even gave away a new outfit to my friend who said how much she liked it. I was a people-pleaser. I hated confrontations or hurting people’s feelings. This continued through adulthood and transferred into my relationships with men. I understand that men also suffer from people pleasing due to a “fear of rejection, insecurities, or the need to be well-liked.

What does it mean to be a people-pleaser?

Being a people-pleaser generally describes a person who consistently strives to please others, often sacrificing their own wants or needs in the process. The most common signs are:

10 Signs You’re a People Pleaser

1. You Cannot Say “No”

You have a hard time saying no because you want to be accepted and liked by everyone. You think the best way to do that is by being overly agreeable.

2. You Feel Anxious About Others’ Opinions of You

This also stems from insecurity—you have fears about people perceiving you in a way you may not like, so you conform your behaviors to fit into a box even if you are not being true to yourself.

3. You Never Have “You” Time

You don’t schedule any kind of alone time or dedicated time for yourself so that you can always be available for others. Even if you do have time alone if you’re asked for something during that time you make yourself available immediately.

4. You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries

You feel as though others need you more than you need yourself, and you don’t set boundaries because you want to be helpful. You feel bad saying no to others, maybe because you have felt shamed for setting boundaries in the past.

5. You Apologize for Things You Don’t Need To

You feel as though you are responsible for other people’s feelings and reactions to everything, so you own things you don’t need to and make things your concern that doesn’t have anything to do with you.

6. You Need Constant Approval

You have a history of needing to get approval, so you people-please because of the validation you feel in the short term.

7. You Generally Don’t Share Your Feelings With Others

You are reluctant to share any feelings because you feel as though they don’t matter and other people’s issues are more pertinent.

8. You Have Low Self-Esteem

You have a history of anxiety, depression, trauma, or any kind of emotional or mental health concern that has led to low self-esteem or low self-worth. You look for external validation to fill the holes inside you that require internal work and validation.

9. You Always Agree in Order to Be Liked

You often say “yes” to be accepted and succumb to peer pressure. You feel like this will make people like and accept you.

10. You Fear Being Labeled “Selfish”

You are scared of being called selfish because that would mean that you’re putting your needs ahead of the needs of others.

What I’m working on to heal my people-pleasing tendencies

Today, I’m struggling with #4 (setting healthy boundaries.) I’m finding it easier to set healthy boundaries with men who are pushy and don’t show respect. The difficulty comes when I want to be honest, but at the same time, I don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings. Healthy boundaries are essential to women to protect ourselves, especially when dating or traveling solo. My next trip is to Croatia with a small group of 20 people. I don’t for see any problems as we have a guide escorting us, and I’ll be able to focus on meeting other like-minded travelers.

What do we mean by healthy boundaries?

Healthy boundaries are the limits we place around our time, our emotions, our body, and our mental health to avoid being controlled, manipulated or drained by others. We want to stay true to who we are and protect ourselves.

Are you a people pleaser? Have you mastered the art of setting boundaries? Please share your comments below.

 

 

 

11 Reasons Why “Just You” is the Best Solo Travel Company

July 29, 2023 by Sonia Marsh 4 Comments

There are 11 reasons why I selected “Just You” as my favorite solo travel company, and one of the main reasons, is the age range (40-60s). I wanted a solo travel company that offers guided trips and activities that fit my interests and activity level.

 

 

Check out all the countries with escorted tours and flights included from the UK. Since this is a UK company, all flights are roundtrip starting in various cities in the UK. What a great way to spend a few days in London or elsewhere in the UK before your trip. https://www.justyou.co.uk/

I chose this solo travel company for several reasons:

  • Age range mainly 40-69  (Main Reason)

  • No single supplement
  • Smaller group size
  • Excellent price and value
  • Excellent guides
  • Meet and greet at the airport
  • Your own room always
  • Airfare is always included
  • Destinations on all 7 continents
  • Guaranteed departures
  • Excellent website, easy to navigate

Here is the outline of the Croatian Island Explorer tour I booked, and you can check out all destinations on 7 continents here: request a brochure.

Please let me know if you have traveled with “Just You” or another solo travel company, and share your experience with us in the comments section below.

 

Solo Travel with Sonia

July 13, 2023 by Sonia Marsh 12 Comments

May 2023 on a game drive in Etosha, Namibia

Welcome back to my updated blog focusing on my personal adventures in solo travel for women. My topics will dive into my innermost thoughts on issues that many women face when we travel solo.

Unlike other travel blogs offering tips on places to visit and foods to try, mine is about my life at 65 as I navigate through different countries and face new situations.

Since 2017, I’ve explored South Africa, Namibia, Kenya, Tanzania, Botswana, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Rwanda, Maldives, Seychelles, Madagascar, and Dubai. These trips were business related and not solo travel. Grenada, the UK and France were part of my solo travel experiences and Covid did not prevent me from traveling solo. In fact, flights were empty and I quite enjoyed being the only passenger on an Air France flight in Premium Economy.

During our game drive we saw a lion stuffed after devouring a zebra kill.

I travel purely for pleasure and not to make a living like many bloggers and influencers who have sponsors. Since I don’t travel year round, I plan to write about other topics that interest me and hopefully you as well. For example, my fears of being alone and the anticipation of meeting other like-minded travelers, setting boundaries after a life of people-pleasing, learning to keep my mind positive, staying active, eating healthy, and continuing to meditate and learn. A little side-note, I discovered an app offering courses on creativity, finding peace and joy, and mindfulness. I find it so helpful on a daily basis: “Insight Timer.” 

Finally, I’m working with a coach to motivate me to start writing another memoir about my life after divorce. I must stop procrastinating and making excuses. Last year I booked an Airbnb in Grenada with the intention of starting my second memoir. Instead, I ended up listening to umpteen podcasts and videos on writing, just to get motivated. Did I write? NO! I spent the entire seven weeks researching all I could find on memoir writing.

My small studio in Grenada
Morning meditation to get my creativity started
Why write when you can enjoy the outdoors!
A spa to relax before writing
An evening rum punch to relax after a day of thinking about writing

So now, in 2023, I’m in the mood to start solo-travel to places I haven’t yet explored. My first solo travel trip is to Croatia in September. I’ll share the process I went through in selecting a solo travel company that fits what I’m looking for in my next post.

Have you traveled solo? If so, please share and let me know which topics interest you in the comments section.

 

 

 

After Lockdown: My New Adventure In England

April 3, 2021 by Sonia Marsh Leave a Comment

The Wonderful Greeting From Virgin Atlantic as you Board the plane
Sonia at LAX on March 31st waiting for her flight to London.

For those of you who know me well, you won’t be surprised when I tell you that I’m starting a new chapter in my life. Here’s what initiated the change.

When Covid-19 started soaring around the world, I read a book by Bruce Feiler called: Life Is In the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age.

Feiler coined the term, “lifequakes” and explained that lifequakes can be voluntary: for example deciding to divorce or change professions, or involuntary: such as fires, hurricanes or a global pandemic.

Life is not linear, it’s filled with chaos and complexity and periods of order and disorder.

Bruce Feiler

This resonated with me. So how do we cope with lifequakes that are involuntary? I believe we have a choice on how we react to the situation. In my case I chose to take advantage of lockdown and open my eyes to new possibilities.

I started preparing my next move, analyzing the pros and cons and what I needed to do to make the move happen. I decided to rent my condo in the spring and summer and live in England when the weather is pleasant and return to California in the winter.

I polled a few of my English friends asking them which parts of England they thought I should visit, and after the results came in, booked an Airbnb in Bath. I loved Bath so I booked a second visit in October 2020 to make sure it wasn’t just “le coup de foudre” (overwhelming love at first sight) but the right place for me. I had other reasons to visit Europe in 2020, namely, the sad passing of my 94-year-old father who lived in Paris.

Since October 2020, I’ve rented a storage unit, rented my condo, visited my sons in Texas, Santa Barbara and Long Beach, taken care of taxes, bills Covid vaccine (J&J), PCR test 72-hours before travel, more tests on Day 2, 5 and 8 in UK, and now I’m in a cute Airbnb apartment in Bath, on the 3rd floor of an old Georgian building in the center of town.

Why did I chose Bath?

Bath is a captivating city, only two hours by car or by train from London, with Georgian architecture, the Roman Baths, fabulous restaurants, shops and you might recognize the “Royal Crescent” below, where the period piece Bridgerton series was filmed. Yes, they are planning to resume filming in Bath this spring, and if I see the film crew there, I’ll let you know. Last October, they were filming a period piece right in front of my bank. The film crew told us to wait before we could exit the bank. (See photo below of the street where they were filming.)

https://visitbath.co.uk/listings/single/the-royal-crescent/
The bank is on the left and the actors were on this cobble-stoned road in period costumes.

I hope you follow my blog as I write about the pre and post Covid-19 protocols I had to go through to get into the UK, my new friends, my exciting pet-sitting opportunities, and what else I plan on my adventures in the UK during the next 6 months.

Any questions or comments are always welcome.

How I Cope During Lockdown

April 26, 2020 by Sonia Marsh Leave a Comment

Some of us see lockdown as an opportunity, and a time to reflect on yourself. If you can view lockdown in this way, you’ll accomplish so much and feel good about this gift of time.

I love time to reflect, slow down and spend time with myself. When we work, we don’t have much time to ourselves, and weekends are to catch up with laundry and groceries.

So here is a chance to do something new and exciting. In fact, I recommend writing a note to yourself on how you see your life this time next year, in 3 years and in 5 years. You might think, who knows what the world is going to become, but I say, plan what you’d like for yourself. Please write it down, and share it in the present tense as follows:

“On April 1st 2021, I’m living in Bath, U.K. and ……”

Example of writing in the present tense to make it realistic.

If you are running out of ideas, here is a fabulous blog post called, “50 Free Things You can do During Lockdown.” I found a couple of them quite interesting, such as the coral Monterey Bay Aquarium live cam, and the finding a pen-pal from somewhere in this world. Reminds me of my childhood when I found a pen pal at school.

Here is another idea. Take a piece of paper and draw a line through the middle. On the left side, write down “What I love” (take 5 minutes.) On the right side, write “I am really good at” (take 5 minutes.) Then take a 5-minute break, and come back and try to match the two columns to see what you can come up with for a business. (Listen to examples on the video below.)

https://sixtyandme.com/5-ways-you-can-use-self-isolation-to-start-your-business-now/

Another suggestion for those who are having trouble adapting to lockdown, is a video on LinkedIn called “How to Embrace Change,” Click on the instructional video .

So let me know if you’ve found any good suggestions in the links above, and if you have other ideas you’d like to share.

Take care and look forward to hearing from you.

Sonia

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