Poetry Saved My Life
“My Gutsy Story®” by Angela Marie Carter
We don’t have to die in order to stop living. In fact, most of my childhood and teen years were a form of sleeprunning, (not to be confused with sleepwalking), that led to my one and only suicide attempt.
At around 15-years of age, I made a decision to play Russian Roulette with medication. I laid there accepting my fate, genuinely spoke to God for the first time, and felt a longing for the future I had just robbed myself of. I survived, and would say it was the first near-death experience of my many near-life experiences.
It took me many years to learn how to live. I used to think I was cursed. As a child I was molested and lived in a household of alcoholism, neglect and abuse. When I did tell someone, silence followed. Not long after, I was sent to live with my grandmother and, even to her dying day, she was never aware of my secrets, but was aware of how broken I was.
I believed, even from a very young age, that poetry saved my life. It was a constant companion that appeared instantaneously after I was abused. I had never been introduced to writing, and at some points was told it was a waste of time. Poetry was a friend that I would ignore for several months, but would always return when I needed it most—something I had never encountered with any human.
My constant fears would put me in dangerous situations that I now look back and cringe at. As a teenager I found myself in physically and sexually abusive relationships, and constantly in debt with my past. It was important to me that I not be neglected, even if it meant I nearly died in the process. I can remember covering hand-print marks around my neck, and convincing myself that pain was all that I deserved. Depression controlled me, while the person I wanted to be lurked in my shadow and was disappearing.
I thought if I escaped my hometown in Virginia, I’d escape the cycles I’d fallen into. At 18-years-of age I received a scholarship to study at the University of Bath, England. I was a girl from a town of 280 people, studying in a foreign country! When I fell in love with the idea of being unknown, and the possibility of rediscovering myself, I stayed. I met the love of my life, married, and was blessed with the gift of a child. But, not even 3,736 miles could save me from the curse. You see, the curse was not out there, it was inside of me. After freeing myself of familiar territory, the past revisited me in new forms that was equally, if not even more destructive than in my past. Bulimia controlled my every move for over five years.
I returned to Virginia, and we welcomed a second child. It was then that the depression almost fully consumed me. I was a living-zombie, but the love for my chosen family outweighed it, so much that I made the decision to admit myself into a program for treatment of depression. I waved good-bye to my daughters in the backseat of my husband’s car, and wore a hood over my head until I entered the building. As I went up the elevator, I thought of how most mothers were creating their children’s lunches from organic foods, while my family was driving me to the front door of a hospital.
Throughout all of the bad, there was one constant friend that was always there: poetry. Although I had muted my external voice, I found a new one through writing. I have never been a book-smart kind of person, but believed with every piece of my being that I was gifted the ability to write poetry so that I could help others. Whereas I once felt that I’d never be any more than a victim, I began to see good in it. A new world formed, one where I was more aware of how universal secrets truly are. I learned through sharing my writing that it is not what happens to us that truly damages us, it’s how we, and others that we love, choose not to acknowledge it.
Since that time, I have used all my energy to help others. I have many defining moments in the last few years, but one that marked my most gutsy moment ever. I recently spoke, in public, about what it is really like to be a child that is abused. I owe this power and strength to poetry. Not only do I have a voice, I use it to speak of all the subjects that many will not.
Sometimes we have to save ourselves. I saved myself by breaking silence, and reaching out to others through poetry and public speaking. I offer therapeutic writing coaching, coordinate a local poetry group, and have a forthcoming poetry book being published. I accept any opportunity, no matter how small the crowd, to let others know that silence is not golden.
My husband calls me brave–because it was my choice to save my own life, and gain the confidence to share what was always there–a beautiful woman that is not cursed, but instead chosen to help others. In fact, believe it or not, I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. Sometimes our gutsy moves save many lives, even if we believe we have only saved our own. Sometimes seeking help is the bravest thing we can do.
Not dying may seem elementary, but living is after all, a choice. Sometimes it takes us a while to end up where we need to be; taking my time didn’t make me any less gutsy. It just makes my remaining days very precious.
I intend on making every instant be about helping others find their gutsy moment.
ANGELA MARIE CARTER, author of forthcoming poetry memoir Memory Chose a Woman’s Body, grew up in a small Virginia farming town. After moving abroad for several years as an adult, she returned to sweet Virginia with her new family and new-found voice, to speak of the unknown instances she experienced throughout her life. Angela offers her poetry and public speaking as a voice, of many, that proves silence is not golden. www.angelacarterpoetry.com
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SONIA MARSH, Angela, I am so thankful you shared your story. Through your courage of taking the steps to change your life, you are making a difference to help other women who have been sexually abused. Thank you for what you do, and your poem in the video, is so strong and beautifully written.Would you like to submit your “My Gutsy Story®” and get published in our 2nd anthology?
Please see guidelines below and contact Sonia Marsh at: sonia@soniamarsh.com for details.
You can find all the information, and our new sponsors on the “My Gutsy Story®” contest page. (VIDEO) Submission guidelines here
COME BACK TO VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE MARCH “My Gutsy Story®.”
THE VOTING STARTS ON APRIL 3rd AND ENDS ON APRIL 16th. THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON APRIL 17th.
Sonia,
Thank you for your kind words. It has taken most of my life to be able to open up about these topics. I am able to do so from the support of my husband, children, parents and friends. We can survive anything and everything as long as there are those around us that accept us afterwards.
Angela M. Carter
Angela, what a powerful piece of writing this is. I’m so glad you included the mollusk poem. I hope it helps many teachers understand how to listen to their students and many survivors gain courage to speak their own truths.
No doubt about it, poetry has saved your beautiful life for a reason.
Your daughter’s picture says so much.
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Richard Gilbert’s Memoir Shepherd: A Masterpiece of Rumination
Angela, there was so much of your story I could relate to. Thank you so much for sharing, and I hope YOU see how brave you really are. It takes incredible courage to keep fighting the effects of abuse day after day; but I think, like you, I have experienced powerful healing through writing my story, and sharing it with others. There is amazing gratification knowing that I made someone feel less alone, and understood – perhaps for the first time. Every time you share your story, you’re reaching someone, encouraging someone, moving someone to break their silence. THANK YOU! You’re a true warrior, and are living such an awesome example of strength to your beautiful kids. My daughters were my inspiration to fight; I needed to break the chain of abuse that ran through far too many past generations. Seeing my girls’ confidence today, and their understanding of what I was fighting for, makes every painful moment of healing worth it. Keep sharing, Angela! You’re truly making a difference in the world. XO
Juanima Hiatt recently posted..Healing With Our Thoughts and Words
Juanima,
It was difficult to have my story published, even with a book publication underway. I appreciate your words more than you probably know. Yes, it is a profound feeling when I hear that someone else spoke up about something in their life that crippled them, whether it be abuse, depression, eating disorders, ect., all because they heard me speak or read about my story.
I’m in awe of the feedback I’m receiving, and see life as such a beautiful occurance now.
Thank you for your message!
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Nima, I am so glad you stopped by to read Angela’s story. I remember reading your memoir about PTSD from abuse you suffered as a child. You are also helping others overcome this terrible suffering.
Sonia Marsh recently posted..Sometimes we have to save ourselves. How Poetry Saved My Life
That’s my gutsy friend! I’m really excited to hold this book in my hand and watch as the healing transforms her in the months to come.
Brandy recently posted..Beau Knows…Ravioli
Thanks Brandy for all your support. Glad you stopped by to comment.
Sonia Marsh recently posted..Sometimes we have to save ourselves. How Poetry Saved My Life
Brandy,
Thank you so very much for your words and support. From a short time after we met, you have been behind everything that I’ve done. Being a friend to you is easy, as you have allowed me to be whoever I need to be at any given time. You are not only a best friend, you are also the one that put an image to my words by creating the bookcover for my upcoming poetry book.
It’s easy to be gutsy when my friends are gutsy!
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Sonia–thank you so much for welcoming Angela to share her story with your readers. Angela–I cried when I read your words and I thank you for writing in such a clear voice. I felt as if I could feel your pain, even though our life experiences are not at all similar; your story is one that should touch every woman who reads about it or hears about it and the message needs to spread that words have the power to heal a lot of different types of wounds, including emotional ones that can’t be seen by the naked eye. Thank you again for allowing us to read your story.
Sylvia,
Thank you for reading my story. Your response is the exact reason that I do what I do–you read the story and thought a little more about the world around you. I will not pretend that putting the story out there was easy; it’s taken many years to get to a point of closure. All the things that were not positive ended up bringing so many treasures into my life.
Your words bring me such joy.
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Sylvia, thank you for your comment and I don’t know if you watched Angela’s video, but I was moved by her authenticity and openness about how she felt.
Sonia Marsh recently posted..Sometimes we have to save ourselves. How Poetry Saved My Life
Sonia,
Thank you. Performing “Science Class” was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I worried about the reactions, but I’ve found all the responses to be extremely positive. I believe we live in a good world, full of people that are supportive of one another. I’m so lucky to have avenues such as Gutsy Living to help me on my quest of helping others.
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Well done Angela. Speaking in such a clear voice will not only give confidence to those in a similar situation that they can survive and win, but will help others understand the issues and have more sympathy with those who suffer.
You’re a very brave lady and I hope your books a major success.
David Prosser recently posted..Bellows & Call of the Wild
David,
Thank you for those comments. I appreciate you speaking of a “clear voice” as I try to do that in my poetry as well. Years ago I never would have thought that I’d ever be called brave.
Thank you.
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
You are a very strong women now. Don’t ever look at the past and assume you were strong back then to make it through. You are at your strongest now, now that you fraught off your inside enemy to create your dream. Love you Angela and don’t ever forget that.
Ashton,
Thank you so much for your friendship, for believing in me and being a part of the many changes in my life for the past few years. Friends like you have made me feel loved and truly accepted.
Love you,
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
This was so well written and heartfelt. I learned things I didn’t know. I think you’re a courageous woman who will save many lives in your journey of writing and speaking. I’m thankful you shared.
Danielle,
Thank you for your kind message. With each comment that is left I feel a tremendous pride in my life and who I have become.
Thanks for your support.
-Angela
Angela Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Well done Angela. So proud of all the things you have achieved and how far you have come as a strong and beautiful woman, wife and mother.
James,
Thank you for your support and belief in me. Because of you, I’m the person I always wished I could be.
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
James,
Thank you for your support and belief in me. Because of this, I’m the person I always wished I could be.
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Your testimony is very helpful to all kinds of suffering. We must:” fight the good fight”. The following words you write are so true:
“Sometimes it takes us a while to end up where we need to be.”
If only we could meet people like you, to bring us there!
Thanks for sharing your victory! All the best.
Carol,
Your words were a wonderful beginning to my already sunny morning! At one time I thought being open about my past would bring negativity, but I couldn’t ask for more positive responses. No matter the burden, being heard and accepted is a definite step towards bettering the situation. Thanks for offering both!
-Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
Your strength and beauty shines forth in your story. You are an inspiration. I wish you oceans of blessings in the days to come.
Sharon,
Thank you for your words of confirmation. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, and reading my story.
Angela
Angela M. Carter recently posted..North Star Rules
amazing.
Thank you, Jenny!
I am always amazed at how I meet the most inspiring people! However, no one compares to you! I love reading your story as I can relate on many different levels. Thank you for being a voice to so many who can’t speak. Your words will give them strength and hopefully, healing. Thank you for sharing!
So glad we had a chance to meet!
Wishing you much success!
Michelle Andrews
Michele,
Thank you for the wonderful and encouraging words. You have always been such a supporter of my work, and my message, and I thank you for that. I’m very grateful for you being in my life and constantly telling me that you believe in me. Angela
It has been a while since I shared this story, and I wanted to thank everyone for their comments. My poetry memoir is now available on Amazon! Thanks for the support.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1936373343/sr=8-1/qid=1402597480/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&qid=1402597480&sr=8-1