The Fear of Death
“My Gutsy Story®” Shirley Showalter
Behind all our fears, often hidden even to ourselves, lies one big fear.
Yes, you got it. The fear of death.
We can’t become truly gutsy, courageous, until we accept the reality of death and consciously seek to live deeply and fully in its presence.
I first stared death in the face at the age of six.
It happened this way:
On the evening of Dec. 20, 1954, my younger brother Henry and I were playing in a little stack of hay in our barn, making tunnels out of bales and talking about what we hoped for in our Christmas stockings. Cows chewed contentedly next to us. The DeLaval milkers sounded almost like heartbeats—lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub—as they extracted warm milk from each udder.
And then we heard it: a horrible, penetrating, animal-like scream, piercing that night and my life to this day. The terrible sound grew louder as Mother came toward the barn. She ran to Daddy and, still screaming, started pounding him on his chest.
“My baby is dead. Our baby is dead. My baby is dead.” That was all she could say, over and over again. Then she would throw back her head and wail.
I learned a lesson that night that I would have to learn again when my father died at age 55 and when several close friends died in sudden, untimely ways.
We all die.
From then on, life became even more precious. I decided to live twice, once for myself and once for the little sister who lived only 39 days.
When I played softball on the playground, I swung for the fences.
When I read books, like Little Women, I identified with the gutsiest character, Jo.
When I discovered you have to go to college in order to be a teacher I decided to go, even though my parents weren’t enthusiastic about the idea. Even though no one else in my family had ever gone.
When I stood up to the bishop in my Mennonite Church and told him that he wasn’t practicing what he preached.
What does it mean to live twice? How did it change my life?
In other words, my childhood and adolescence were never the same after I heard my mother scream and after I touched the cold, white skin of my baby sister inside that sad little casket in 1954.
Death made a searcher out of me. I sought out writers who understood urgency, such as Annie Dillard, who advised:
Write as if you were dying. At the same time, assume you write for an audience consisting solely of terminal patients. That is, after all, the case. What would you begin writing if you knew you would die soon? What could you say to a dying person that would not enrage by its triviality?
I love these words. I try to keep them in mind as I write my stories.
But I have to keep something else in mind also.
I believe that death is not the end of life. The writers I love best don’t dwell on morbidity, they face death and fear, and while doing so, come home to themselves by coming home to love. Engraved inside their hearts is the reminder that love is eternal.
But it wasn’t a writer that taught me that lesson first; it was my mother. After she shook my six-year-old world with her screams and tears, she took solace in her faith and accepted the comfort of friends and family. Depression tempted her. She could have withdrawn from life and hence from her living children. Had that happened, you would not be reading these words.
Sometimes the gutsiest things we do are to keep on putting one foot in front of another and continuing to live, determined to turn darkness into light.
Next month my mother turns eighty-seven. I no longer fear death because love has triumphed. Whatever is gutsy in me goes all the way back to 1954 and to the woman who never gave up on life, my mother.
SHIRLEY HERSHEY SHOWALTER, author of Blush: A Mennonite Girl Meets a Glittering World, grew up on a Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, dairy farm and went on to become a professor and then college president and foundation executive. Find her at her website: www.shirleyshowalter.com
Please watch my interview with Shirley Showalter about her memoir: Blush: A Mennonite Girl Meets a Glittering World
Please join Shirley on her Facebook page, and on Twitter @Shirleyhs
Here is my 5-star review of Shirley’s excellent memoir, Blush.
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You wrote about your sister’s death in BLUSH, but I didn’t really understand the full implications of that on your life until now, Shirley. What a powerful story. You are “gutsy” for sharing the story and for living your life this way.
Carol Bodensteiner recently posted..Walking through Iowa; reading through Europe
Thanks, Carol. I have to give Sonia credit for helping me to go one layer deeper than I went in the memoir.
The word “gutsy” is a powerful word indeed!
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
I agree with Carol. You certainly explained the impact of your baby sister’s death on your own life. I had never thought of living for yourself and for her.
Sonia Marsh recently posted..How I Became a “Gutsy” Mennonite
Thank you for sharing this story here, Shirley. I am always moved by your description of your Mother’s primal response to death and life. It is a powerful vision: death and love together offering the opportunity for embracing connection and belonging, separating the gold that matters from the chaff of life, choosing transformation and courage.
“The word courage comes from the Latin, “cor,” which literally means heart. The original use of the word courage means to stand by one’s core.” -Mark Nepo
You expressed so beautifully what I see in my mother’s choices, Kathleen. And Mark Nepo’s study of the root of courage is also so apt. Thank you. Love it.
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
Your inner strength has been evident from the moment I met you. Your kindness to me has been ongoing. Reading your memoir was so special because it gave me a glimpse into how you became you. Reading your words just now, shows me an even deeper part of you and really resonates with me. I’ve always felt like an old soul. The reality of the fragility of life meeting the courage to live an unconventional life creates synergy. Your “gutsy story” is a catalyst for my courage, and, I’m sure, countless more. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us, Shirley.
Thank you, Susanne. I hope to live up to these generous words. I share with you Kathleen’s contribution above in case you missed it: “The word courage comes from the Latin, “cor,” which literally means heart. The original use of the word courage means to stand by one’s core.” -Mark Nepo
This is a year in which you are going deeper with the idea of standing by your core. I see you in my mind’s eye as a tall tree, dancing with wind, not breaking.
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
I especially enjoyed the half hour interview. Sonia, your questions were so amazing, and Shirley, I loved the way you leaned in to answering. Hooray for gutsy living and reflecting.
Thank you, Dolores. When I watched the video I had to laugh. First, the TV set in the background. I forgot to shut the armoire. This video was done while our children were home for the holidays. I fled to the bedroom and didn’t have a great concept of how to position myself in front of the camera. So what you get is just how I “lean in” when I’m talking to someone one on one. 🙂
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
I can’t ignore the synchronicity of coming upon another reference to kindness today:
From Sister Joan Chittister’s msg today: The Balm of Kindness
“……….Then the whole world changes when we know ourselves. We gentle it. The fruit of self-knowledge is kindness. Broken ourselves, we bind tenderly the wounds of the other.
The most telling measure of the meaning of kindness in life is memories of unkindness in our own: scenes from a childhood marked by the cruelty of other children, recollections of disdain that scarred the heart, moments of scorn or rejection that leave a person feeling marginalized in the human community. In those moments of isolation we remember the impact of the fracturing of hope. We feel again the pain that comes with the assault on that sliver of dignity that refuses to die in us, however much the degradation of the moment. It is then that we come to understand that kindness, compassion, understanding, acceptance is the irrefutable mark of holiness because we ourselves have known—or perhaps have never known—the balm of kindness for which we so desperately thirsted in those situations. Kindness is an act of God that makes the dry dust of rejection digestible to the human psyche.
Those who have touched the God within themselves, with all their struggles, all their lack, see God everywhere and, most of all, in the helpless, fragile, frightened other.
To be a contemplative it is necessary to take in without reservation those whom the world casts out because it is they who show us most clearly the face of the waiting God.”
Thank you for sharing this here, Delores.
Kathleen Friesen recently posted..mid-winter
Oh, indeed, Dolores. This is lovely! And Joan Chiddister in person is just as warm as are these words. Have you listened to Krista Tippett’s interview with Sister Joan? community.flixster.com/
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
Wonderfully written, Shirley. This moment happened for me when I sat at the bedside of my comatose 18-year-old friend and realized that she was losing this fight – at least it sure felt like a fight – with brain cancer. There were other deaths before that, but this was the one that rocked my world and changed things. There is love on the other side, and in my experience, life is a series of learning to just continue to circle back to that love every time we find ourselves disoriented and spinning. Thanks for your thoughts…
Hannah, lovely to find you here. Yes. We circle on and we circle back. The more we circle, the deeper goes the love and that includes love for this world. So the pain and the balm go hand in hand. The more often we stare death in the face the more we need each other. Yet we walk the lonesome valley by ourselves.
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
Shirley — We’ve been without internet since Saturday afternoon, so I’m visiting briefly via iPhone to let you know I’ve read and thoroughly enjoyed your story.
Laurie Buchanan recently posted..The Intersection of Scotland and Zen
Laurie, thanks so much for the effort it takes to comment on an iPhone. So glad that your words didn’t disappear into the ether. What an honor to have a comment from you — especially since you were Ms. Gutsy Living in the month of December!
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Three Reasons Why We Need Books and Authors
Thank you for this powerful article, Shirley.
Leanne Dyck recently posted..Reviewing Voices (thriller) by Arnaldur Indridason
Thanks, Leanne, I look forward to getting to know you better in the weeks ahead. I love what you have created in your blog for your own work and for other writers.
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Staring Death in the Face: How I Became a Gutsy Mennonite Memoirist
Shirley, you have a captured the loss of your baby sister in such raw detail here. Very chilling. I remember it all from your memoir but this goes even deeper into the pain and shock in this essay. Beautifully written. I thoroughly enjoyed your insights. Thanks for sharing such a powerful story.
Kathy
http://krpooler.com
Thanks, Kathy. This experience has been very enlightening for me. Retelling the same story inside a new frame took me deeper than I had gone before. I finally found the language that connects to my mission in life: “To prepare for the hour of my death, one good day at a time. And to help others do the same.” I appreciate your comment and support.
Shirley Hershey Showalter recently posted..Staring Death in the Face: How I Became a Gutsy Mennonite Memoirist
Shirley, I, appreciate this illustration of the way a short moment can shape our lives from then on, forming a sort of channel for the River of Life. And also for all the reasons already stated.
Sharon Lippincott recently posted..Seasons of Our Lives
I love Shirley Hershey Showalter’s story! How powerful that her mother could overcome her sadness and almost depression to raise her children to become healthy, responsible adults who have given back to society.
~Gloria
Gloria, thanks so much for this comment. Your own strength derives from having had a resilient, fun-loving, mom. I am so glad you got to visit Mother with me. Having her with me in my 66th year is such a privilege.