Work/Life Balance
How often do you hear about the importance of finding balance in your life? And what exactly does that mean?
We hear “experts” talk about the secret to achieving the perfect work/life balance as though there’s a “magic formula” hidden in some secret cave that some people have access to but most of us are struggling to grasp.
What if I told you that secret doesn’t exist.
Take Barbara Walters for example, a highly successful career woman. In Dr. Lafair’s article, “Does Being Gutsy Activate Being Guilty,” Walters admits there is a tricky balance between work and family. As a Gutsy woman, Walters put it succinctly when she said “Just do not expect balance.”
Obviously if you place too much emphasis on family, your work suffers, and if your work takes priority your family suffers.
It’s almost as if the work/life balance can only be achieved once you take work out of the equation, or raising a family out of the equation. Am I oversimplifying? Perhaps, but why are we so focused on defining everything and questioning whether our work/life balance conforms to the magic formula?
I think the problem stems from guilt, especially the guilt women express when they have a full-time job and are raising a family. A friend of mine has three children and a very successful career. I envied the fact that she always seemed in control of her work and her kids’ activities until one day she confessed, “I feel like a failure as a wife, a mother and at my job. I can never give 100% of myself to any of my roles.”
Women are experts at feeling guilt, why is that?
Dr. Lafair, the author of Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns That Limit Success brings up the issue of women and guilt and suggests that women have an intimate relationship with guilt.
“It is harder for us to compartmentalize emotions and thus we worry about how our behavior impacts family, friends, community and with the worry comes self-doubt.”
So I asked my husband, “Do men feel the same guilt as women when it comes to balancing work and family?” His response:
“Men feel it too, but the expectation is different.”
Some of you may disagree with his statement, but even today, where women are often the major bread-winners, most men still feel a sense of wanting to provide for their family. What do you think?
Some men manage to step out of their “crazy” corporate life when they realize their whole life revolves around work, and they rarely see their kids. Take Nigel Marsh for example. In a previous post I wrote about his views on How to Achieve the Perfect Work/Life Balance. He quit his high pressured corporate job in an advertising agency to stay home with four young children.
I think when we feel overwhelmed we realize that we’ve lost that sense of balance which is a personal thing, not a one-size fits all magical formula. I also believe that Barbara Walters suggestion to “Just do not expect balance,” is quite liberating especially for us women who have a tendency to feel guilty.
I’d love to hear your thoughts from both women and men on this topic.
I got so out of balance I closed my company and retired before I was financially ready. The choice was to continue ignoring the family, be on the road 5 days a week and locked in my home office the other two, or put my marriage and family back in first place.
Early in my career I had no problem maintaining a good balance. But, as the business grew I found I couldn’t say no to new clients and all the money they offered, Eventually, I was stressed out and taking that out on the family.
I achieved balance by walking away from what was destroying what ultimately is more important. We’ve downsized our life and our expectations…and it was the most important decision we ever made. BTW, we just celebrated out 35th anniversary!
Bob Lowry recently posted..Simple Living: What Does That Mean?
Bob,
I am so happy you came over and commented about your own situation. I had no idea that was why you retired early and now understand more clearly why you have come up with such great advice on the importance of pre-preparing for retirement. Thanks for your honesty in helping us determine what’s important in life.
A really interesting post, Sonia. I think Barbara is right when she says ‘don’t expect balance’. It’s a constant juggling act – things tip one way for a while, then the other. We made the big step to change our lives when we came to France. Chris and I are together all the time, and love it. Chris has had so much more time with the children since we became self-employed over here. We’re poorer financially, a lot!, but we are much nearer to living a rewarding, healthily prioritised life, if not quite balanced!
Stephanie recently posted..Studying to be an Ebook Author and Samplesunday
Stephanie,
If anyone has changed their lifestyle, it’s you and your family. Just saw your post on the e-book author which I shall mention on my facebook page. Thanks so much for that, plus the first chapter of your children’s book makes me want to read more and pretend I’m a kid again.
We have a good friend whose identity was tied to her work. This made it increasingly difficult for her to retire even though some attractive “packages” were offered to her. The thing is she always complained about her job, but the projects she worked on seemed to give her some meaning to her life.
She finally did retire but then took another job; a government job where she had little input and was not appreciated. She soon quit.
She eventually realized that all the innovative products and services she had worked on with her old employer were now “old news” and forgotten. You see, the “shelf life” of a lot of what we think is important in our work drops completely off the radar as things progress. Nobody remembers, least of all appreciates, all the blood sweat and tears we may have put into our work lives. It is shortly ancient history.
Robert the Skeptic recently posted..Fruit Off the Family Tree
Sad for her and I hope that she found something else to make her happy after she retired. You do prove a point though. Thanks Robert.
Interesting post. I actually heard Barbara Walters speak and was struck by her honest warmth and sincereity. It seems to me that that trait could only be developed and sustained in her work if she maintained it at home with her family. In my experience balance has less to do with actual balance of time between work and family as it does with balance of interest. What worked for me (and I hope my family would agree) is to be able to focus on what is now and leave what you left at work or home.
Dee,
I think my husband is also able to do that with a stressful job. I am always amazed when people can separate the stress at work, put it aside, and enjoy home life.
Okay, so I am extremely guilty in this one (judging by the fact that I am commenting on blogs at 9pm…). The reality is, we all need balance, but those of us who are trying to run a business don’t have the luxury of clocking out. This means that there are many nights we have to work late into the evening (or even, early into the morning). I think that being female vs male has little to do with the guilt as I know many women who are able to shut it off as well as men who can’t. It’s all in personality. I, for one, have trouble with it, and have to force myself to leave my phone at home just so I can have a tech free day 🙂
Kirsten Wright recently posted..What is visually appealing in a website?
Kirsten,
I know you are a very busy woman and spend hours working. I’ve see you multi-task in a way that many of us could not. So leaving your phone behind is a great idea to relax. What would you do on a tropical island?
balance is hapiness, both hard to find and IMHO-the stronger you look the less chances you have
Ola recently posted..Pierwsze kroki na Lesbos/First steps on Lesvos
Ola, Thanks for your comment. Do you mean the more you try to find balance, the less likely you are to get it?
Great topic, Sonia. I was out of balance for many years. I don’t think it’s a healthy way to live and I regret it now. I would rather work part time and be in balance than chase after the ephemeral American dream.
Sandra / Always Well Within recently posted..Caution: Chemical Time Bombs Are Ticking in Your Body
Sandra,
I know from your posts that balance is something you have mastered. I agree, if I had a full-time corporate job, I would find it very difficult to remain in balance. Even without the corporate job, I still have moments of slipping in and out of balance. Thanks for sharing.
Family time and holidays are sacred over here, so it’s much easier to balance both. Having said that, women are expected to work – and they also do a lot more around the house, according to surveys I’ve read.
Lady Fi recently posted..Taking the Mickey
Overall, I think people in Europe take more time to enjoy life and seem to have family and friends over for dinners much more often than what I see in California. I think many here are overworked and don’t have any energy left for anything but rest and maybe a few hobbies.
I think it’s very difficult to find balance – esp. in a family situation with both parents working – there are only so many hours in a day and something is being sacrificed. I love your new look, Sonia!
Priscilla – She’s Cookin’ recently posted..Pulled Pork and Mexican Zucchini with Corn
Hi Priscilla,
So good to hear from you again and thanks for enjoying the new look. I agree there are many families struggling with the lack of hours.
I think there is a work-life balance for everyone.
You are right, Sonia, in saying, “Obviously if you place too much emphasis on family, your work suffers, and if your work takes priority your family suffers.” But beyond that, I don’t think there is a particular “on size fits all” solution, because different families and individuals have different needs. The balance is what you work out, together. And what you work out as one family may be totally inappropriate for another family.
Of course, if you cannot strike that right balance within a family, there will be trouble. Mostly unsatisfied expectations, and whatever grows out of that.
Bear recently posted..ZED, NOT ZEE (A – Z CHALLENGE)
Yes, Rob. It’s an individual choice. You found me. Yeah!!!
Insightful post, Sonia, which raises an important question in today’s world where work often seems to take precedence over family. I think it’s exceptional or well nigh impossible to balance both. As I once told a delinquent subordinate, a man who took a day off for personal reasons, “Your work comes first because if you don’t have a job, then how will you support your family?” For that reason, my work always came first. As a single mom, I worked from the time both my kids were babies so they were used to it. Also, I had the kind of job that allowed me to go home and be there when they got home from school and have lunch with them. But then I worked until late – 8-9pm or later. When they were babies, I had to take a back seat to nannies and grandmas who looked after them. The good thing is that they grew up feeling that my work, my work place, and my co-workers were all like a part of our family since we relied on it/them for our living.
Penelope J. recently posted..Has Your Cultural Background Influenced Your Life?
I admire you for raising two kids alone. I don’t know how women can do that. It sounds like you also had a wonderful support group. Thanks for giving us a different perspective.
Balance schmalance. What a peculiarly western, post-modern notion! Most lives on this planet are lived as they come. If food is found, if terror is survived, if someone cares–almost anyone!–then happiness shows up. Only in our Western overabundance do we have the luxury to start and stop a life, to imagine that we can or should balance it somehow.
Maslow’s Hierarchy has been rather exploded, but imagine it as the pyramid with self-actualization on top. Now, put a surfboard on the tip, stand on it, and keep shifting your weight forward and back. That’s the image and that’s how rarely the issue even comes up.
Doors shut. Things that were good run their course and begin to feel bad. Someone issues a threat. So we stop and try something else. There’s little of real choice in it. Telling ourselves that there is amounts to more self-consciousness than most of us deserve. Still, it’s the American Way to believe that we get the life we intend, so, when something goes sour, we tell ourselves we’re making choices. Most of those pivotal moments are over- determined and, by the time we recognize them, there really is no choice. Something just gives.
Nance recently posted..The Smallest Government Of All
I agree with you Nancy. Balance is something we question in western, “comfortable” lifestyles. Balance is so much easier when you live on an island like our family did in Belize. No freeways, no stress, people who actually have time to “talk” without looking at their watch.
I miss that, and balance wasn’t ever a question I thought about there; only here. Thanks for your comment and stopping by.
Insightful post and comments. Perhaps this calls for more realistic expectations. Life is messy sometimes, and there’s nothing you can do about that. (No pills or self-help books yet!)